


Crossing the Line

by cunningdeb



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Dark, Drama, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Consensual, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-10-09
Packaged: 2017-12-21 23:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 78,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cunningdeb/pseuds/cunningdeb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "What do you mean you lost him?"

“What do you mean you lost him?”

Kris had just finished unpacking in his hotel room and was outside their tour manager’s suite when he heard the yelling. 

“How the hell did that happen?”

Not hearing another voice, Kris assumed the conversation was over the phone. Someone was being cursed out royally. He didn’t know who; he was just glad it wasn’t him.

Rehearsals were starting tomorrow and the Top 10 were returning to LA. Having finished their press tour after the finale, Adam had returned first and Kris followed a week later, able to squeeze in a quick visit to Conway. 

“Incompetent jackass! You better find him before the press gets a hold of this!”

Something smashed against the inside of the door as a stream of cursing bounced off the walls. Kris decided he’d come back later.

 

\--*--

 

Locked.

Locked. 

Locked. 

“Damn it, open up – please open up!”

Locked.

Crash.

Clatter.

“Oh God, help me.”

“I heard something! In the alley!”

 

\--*--

 

Everyone was now accounted for at the hotel except Adam. He had left earlier in the morning for a costume fitting that had ended two hours ago. Their manager had been sequestered in his suite the entire time, calling all over the Greater Los Angeles area.

Gathering in Scott and Matt’s room, the Idols caught up. Danny asked where Adam was and Kris told him Adam was at a costume fitting. It wasn’t exactly a lie; that’s where Adam was…at least the last time anyone saw him.

The rest of them were oblivious to the simmering situation but by the raising volume coming out of the room four doors down, that wouldn’t last long.

 

\--*--

 

Sandwiched between a dumpster and dirty brick wall, Adam cowered down, hoping to loose himself in the shadows. He could hear them coming. Quickly he reached out for a collapsed cardboard box and laid it over himself, further blending in to the surrounding garbage. They were nearly on top of him.

“Do you see him?” 

“Where is he?” 

“We can’t let him get away!” 

“Find him!” 

A loud bang echoed from the end of the alleyway.

“There! I think that’s him. Hurry! Hurry!”

A stampede of feet rushed past. Adam peered around the box and saw them disappear around the corner. He was afraid to move. What if they came back? He crouched there, shaking, counting the minutes until he felt they were long gone.

Cautiously, he set aside the cardboard and came out from his shelter. Moving into the middle of the filthy alley, he started jogging back the way he came, head swiveling, eyes darting in every direction.

From behind, a voice rang in the afternoon air.

“He must still be back there.”

Why the hell won’t they leave me alone!

 

\--*--

 

“Do any of you know where Adam might go – his friends, what clubs he hangs out at – anything?” Their manager’s anger had cooled off and now his voice was tinged with concern.

A few names of people and places were tossed about. They all took out their phones and called around, called Adam. No answer, just voice mail.

“Hi, you’ve reached Adam. I’m out making my dreams come true. Leave a message.” 

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

 

\--*--

 

Locked.

Locked. 

Open.

Adam fell into the dim room. He slammed the door shut, hands splayed and hot cheek resting upon its cold metal surface. Calming down slightly, he scanned the room for something to block the entrance. The space was lined in storage shelves and a stack of wooden crates leaned precariously nearby. Adam took the tower down and rebuilt it in front of the door. 

Hopefully, it would be strong enough.

He leaned against a bare wall and slid to the ground, dropping his head into his hands. Adam’s heart was racing; he was sure it would burst out of his chest at any moment. How did this happen? How could he let this happen? He ran his hands down his face, covering them in make up and dirt – or something worse. Adam’s heart pounded in his head, his ears, his chest. Was this the life he had desired for so long? Could this be what it was really all about? If it was then ….

A flickering light blinded him. Adam raised his hand to his eyes. Through his fingers, he watched the high beam move away. He lowered his hand and found himself staring into the end of a shotgun.


	2. Still AWOL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

An hour passed and anyone who had even the slightest connection to Adam was contacted. Kris had called Adam’s parents and brother – he knew them well enough that it wouldn’t seem strange he should call about his best friend. He chatted casually, working into the conversation a question about Adam’s whereabouts, not trying to alarm them. They hadn’t heard from him since yesterday when he talked nonstop about trying on his sic new jacket.

Adam’s cell had been called so many times, his voice mail was full. The police had been contacted but they couldn’t do anything until 24 hours had passed. 

The elevator door closed and the floor of the hotel was deserted. Everyone went out looking for their missing Idol.

 

\--*--

 

The shopkeeper flicked on the bare overhead bulb and stared down the barrel of his shotgun at the intruder. Before him, pressing his back into the wall was a kid on his knees, clothes ripped and dirty, face frozen in fear, lips pleading silently. Looked like he was running from someone – may gang bangers…or gay bashers, considering the make- up streaked down his face. 

Keeping the gun on the kid, but lowering it slightly, the shopkeeper slowly looked around his shop and out the front windows. When it looked like no trouble was headed his way, he put the gun down.   
The kid dropped his head, letting out a shaky, audible, shuttering “Thank you.”

With the gun tucked under his arm, the older man reached for something beside the door and retrieved a packet of handy wipes.

“There’s a small mirror behind this door. Clean yourself up,” he muttered, tossing the wipes on Adam’s knees. He turned and disappeared back into the shop.

Adam’s shaky legs barely held his weight as he got up, opening the wipes. He closed the door. It was one of those tiny mirrors you could get for your locker and he couldn’t make out his entire face at once. Seemed fitting, he thought. His face was in pieces, just as his life felt at the moment. Bit by bit, he cleaned his face up until everything was gone – the dirt … the filth … the make-up … himself.

He peered around the storage room door. The shopkeeper had pulled down the blinds to his storefront windows and was turning the OPEN sign to CLOSED, locking the door and pulling its blind down as well.

Sensing he was being watched, the shopkeeper didn’t look at his ‘guest’, just went to the cooler and pulled out a bottle of water and a can of beer.   
“Don’t know which you want kid but you need something.”

Hands shoved in his front jean pockets, Adam slowly approached the counter, head down. He wasn’t a beer drinker but the sting of the alcohol soothed his throat. The cold water bottle he held up to his face.

The shopkeeper watched him silently for a minute or two. The kid looked harmless, even more so after that junk was off his face. He really didn’t want to know what happened, he just wanted him gone.

“Maybe I should call the cops for you.”

“No!” Adam’s voice cut the air, cracking like thunder. “I … I just need a minute and then I’ll leave, I’ll … I’ll go home.”

“You have a car?”

Adam rubbed his forehead, remembering. “I did, not nearby, I think. I really don’t know; I’m all turned around.”

“You want to call someone?”

Adam shook his head. “No, no, not, not yet. I just need to get home.”

“A taxi?”

He could do that but then he realized his wallet was gone – so was his cell phone. Adam hurried to the blinds and peered out, checking for himself that no one was waiting for him or lurking nearby.

“Maybe … maybe when it gets darker, I’ll walk….”

“No, no you won’t.” Adam heard jingling and turned. The shopkeeper returned the gun to its place under the counter and had grabbed his car keys. “It’s closing time anyway. I’ll drive you.”

 

\--*--

 

Everyone had returned to the hotel except Adam. It was late afternoon and dusk was settling in. They gathered in their manager’s suite and waited in silence. Each time a phone rang, they collectively jumped. Each time the phone rang it wasn’t Adam, just someone returning a message saying they hadn’t seen him. Kris’ stomach was in knots. 

 

\--*--

 

“Is this it?”

Adam looked out at the bungalow. The lights were off, the street was quiet, no one to be seen.

“Yeah, thanks.” Adam got out slowly.

“Next time kid, watch your back.”

Adam nodded his head. He prayed there wouldn’t be a next time.

He ran up the driveway and disappeared around back. Fishing around under a fake rock by the garage, the extra key was right where he expected. His fingers fumbled for the lock. Adam’s friend Jerry was in Mexico on holiday so he knew he’d be alone. Keeping as many lights off as possible – didn’t want to alert the neighbors – Adam made his way to the bedroom and stripped. He threw his jeans in the washer but his shirt was beyond repair. He’d have to borrow one of Jerry’s.

Adam jumped in the shower, setting the water as hot as he could take it. His skin stung under the soap, especially the back of his neck. He scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed until the runoff was tinged pink. Turning off the water when he could no longer feel their hands on him, he opened the shower curtain and caught sight of himself in the vanity mirror. He stared at his reflection, slowly revealing itself as the fogged up glass cleared. Adam took in what they had done to him. His knees gave way as the full picture emerged and he slumped into the tub.

The empty house echoed with sobbing.


	3. Cover Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

“C’mon, get off, get off!”

Adam scoured, trying to get rid of the pinkish ring around the tub. It was fading but barely. A pile of wet, blood-smeared white towels lay on the floor beside him. He felt an uncontrollable urge to vanquish any signs he was there, even though Jerry told him he could use the house anytime. He didn’t want there being any unnecessary questions asked. 

Finally, as his arm felt like it would snap off, the porcelain turned white again. Adam slid off his numb legs, slowly and painfully stretching them out as he leaned against the toilet. He’d lost track of time – and his watch too. Kris and the others were probably wondering what happened to him. He needed Kris but he wasn’t ready yet. He quickly made up a cover story. He couldn’t tell them the truth – it was too humiliating.

Gathering the towels, Adam went back to the washing machine. He tossed his jeans in the dryer and put the towels in the wash, adding lots of bleach. From there, he returned to the bathroom and found the first aid kit. He couldn’t see behind his neck but he could tell it wasn’t pretty, particularly when he administered some antiseptic and nearly shattered the mirror with his scream. Fumbling around, he managed to cover his injury with gauze and tape it down. 

Adam looked at himself, naked, defeated and marked. He’d never felt that way and he hated it. No matter how many times he told himself it was a freak incident, that it wouldn’t happen again, that damn, mocking voice in his head told him it could, and probably would, thanks to his ambition and need to be the center of attention. He brought this on himself.

A faint ding alerted Adam to the dryer. He tugged on the warm denim, wincing as the fabric ran over his hip. He dug through Jerry’s closet and found a long sleeve, button up shirt with a collar that would stand up on its own.

He couldn’t go until the towels were dried and put back so Adam raided the liquor cabinet. It probably wasn’t a good idea to drink on an empty stomach but it was the only nourishment he craved. Sitting at the kitchen table, light reflecting from the hall, Adam drank…and drank…and drank…and threw up. 

When his stomach stopped flip flopping, he cleaned up his latest mess and scribbled a note of apology, promising to return the borrowed clothes soon and to have the table refinished. A chill shook him. Digging in the back of the closet, he pulled on a fall jacket and gingerly wrapped a scarf around his neck. He picked up the phone, made his call, and ventured into the warm June night, hiding in the dark until his ride came.

 

\--*--

 

Another hour passed. Another phone rang. Kris’ phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello.”

Silence.

“Hello?” Kris’ instincts told him who it was. “Adam?”

“Yeah.”

Adam didn’t sound like himself. Something happened. Kris looked around the room. Everyone heard him and knew Adam had finally surfaced. Management was about ready to yank the phone out of his hand; Kris left the room before they had a chance. They followed but Kris raised his hand, signaling them to back off. He closed the door and paced the hallway, lowering his voice.

“Where are you? Are you okay?”

“I need a ride.”

“Of course, of course. Are you okay? You can tell me; I’m alone.”

Adam paused, the silence was deafening.

“Adam, are you still there?”

“I need you. I need you to come - not a driver. Can you do that for me?”

This vulnerable Adam frightened Kris. He would have promised him anything at that moment.

“I don’t know how but I will. Where are you?”

Adam gave the address, somewhere on the other side of the city. He told Kris to wait at the end of the driveway for him … and not to ask any questions.

The call was cut off. Kris disappeared into the stairwell.

 

\--*--

 

Kris found the house and waited as Adam had asked. Kris couldn’t get access to a company car without alerting management so he sweet talked the concierge into loaning him her car. 

It was a quiet, old neighborhood, nothing spectacular. Kris wondered why Adam was there but he had promised he wouldn’t ask, even though he desperately wanted answers. He knew Adam would tell him in his own time. Meanwhile, he would just be there for him.

A figure lurked at side of the bungalow, looking around, then bolted to the car. Adam jumped in, slamming the door shut. Kris caught a brief glimpse of him when the overhead light went on. He didn’t look like himself – his hair was too flat, his clothes too ordinary – those weren’t his clothes.

Kris and Adam drove in silence. Kris tried to keep his eyes on the road but he wanted to look at Adam not looking at him. Adam hadn’t said a word. There was an odd smell in the car, a toxic cocktail of detergent, alcohol and something sour Kris couldn’t readily identify.

Maybe Adam’s just stressed. It had been a whirlwind, media circus since the finale but things would calm down. Their friends were back, the relative freedom of the Idol Tour lay before them. Things would get better. Adam would feel better.

They pulled into the parking lot and headed into the lobby. Adam kept walking, head down, eyes searching and waited at the elevator, back to the wall, while Kris returned the car keys. Kris silently raised a finger to his lips, asking his accomplice to keep quiet about his trip. She returned the gesture and nodded.

Adam didn’t say anything or look at Kris on the slow ride up to their floor. The doors opened. The hallway was deserted except for their tour manager and Adam’s two bodyguards waiting outside the suite. Adam circumnavigated them but a strong hand grabbed his elbow. Adam yanked away violently, his heart skipping a beat. Their manager briefly looked surprised at Adam’s reaction then pointed to his office. Adam went in, the manager went in, one bodyguard went in, and the other blocked Kris as the door slammed shut.

The yelling began instantly. Kris tried talking the mammoth man into letting him go in or at least wait for Adam in the hall. He was told none too nicely to mind his own business and go to his room.

 

\--*--

 

“What the fuck were you thinking?” the conversation began. It wasn’t starting well.

“I’m sorry, won’t happen again.” Adam looked at his clenched fists, refusing to make eye contact.

“That’s not a fucking answer! What…were…you…thinking?”

“I … I ran into an old friend…from out of state…wanted to catch up.”

“Oh really?” was the snide response. “You wanted to chat and catch up? YOU COULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT HERE?!!!”

“I’m sorry. We … we wanted some … some privacy.”

“That kind of ‘catching up’ huh? You thought a blowjob and few hours of sex were worth JEOPARDIZING YOUR CAREER AND THIS FUCKING TOUR?!!!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Adam’s voice cracked, his body shaking under the verbal assault.

“You have no regard for anyone, do you? You don’t care that you could have put this tour in danger, as well as the future of your friends with bad publicity. But who cares about them, right? Just take care of Adam Lambert and screw the consequences!”

“I’m sorry!”

“You do something like this again and you will be sorry, I personally guarantee it! Get the hell out and you better show up for rehearsals in the morning!”

Adam nodded and walked out. He didn’t blame them for being pissed at him. It was a stupid cover story but it was a story where he was in control of what he did.

 

\--*--

 

Kris was in his room but his door was open, waiting for Adam to be set free. He wished they were roommates again. They had been given separate rooms even though everyone else was sharing. Kris figured it was because of the extra demands on their time as the two finalists; management probably didn’t want to disrupt anyone else with their odd schedules.

The screaming stopped and Kris stuck his head out as Adam left the suite and hurried to his own room, the room next door to Kris. 

Adam saw Kris. He reached for his door.

“That sounded intense,” Kris began.

“It was.”

“What were you thinking?”

“I said I was sorry, can we just leave it at that?”

“No, we can’t. You had me worried sick.”

Adam adjusted the scarf around his neck. “I had to get away … it was too much.” 

“You could have told them that. They would have helped.”

“No,” Adam lashed back. “They couldn’t help; no one helped me!” Adam disappeared into his room and Kris heard the lock.

 

\--*--

 

As soon as Adam had disappeared into his room, leaving his friend speechless, Kris went into his own room and immediately heard, he wasn’t sure what, knocking or bumping. He pressed his ear to the paper thin walls. Kris was worried, really worried. Adam had been so strong through this entire competition, a rock everyone depended on. To see him on the verge of breaking, wasn’t normal, wasn’t Adam. There had to be an explanation and he was determined to get one. There was no way he was going to let his best friend implode.

 

\--*--

 

Lock.  
Swish.   
Click. Click. Click.   
Push. Push. Push.   
Drag. Drag.   
Stack.   
Climb.   
Wait.


	4. Mad World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Kris rapped lightly on the door. “Adam, are you coming to breakfast?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“I’ll wait.”

“Sure. Just a sec.”

Kris leaned against the wall. Adam sounded better. Maybe yesterday was a fluke, an error in judgment like Adam had said. Rehearsals started today and Kris was itching to start preparing for the tour. So was Adam. This was all Adam had talked about during their press tour in New York. He couldn’t wait to get out from under the censors and put on the kind of performance that would show the world what Adam Lambert could really do, that he was proud of who he was and made no apologies for it. 

“Hurry up Lambert, everyone’s waiting.”

The door opened and Adam emerged, smiling and looking spectacular, as usual. Kris thought he might be a little warm in a long sleeved sweater, jacket and scarf but Adam was the fashion guy – what did Kris know.

The group had already started at the buffet when Kris and Adam arrived. They joined the line and Adam loaded up his plate. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast yesterday. Things would be okay. He was back with Kris, his friends – his bodyguard. Before he fell asleep last night, he told that voice in his head to shut up, that it was only a freak incident and everything would be fine. He’d just have to be more careful next time.

“So Adam, where were you yesterday…and who was the lucky SOB?” Matt asked, stuffing his mouth full of pancakes.

They knew him soooo well.

Adam repeated the cover story he told management last night. “Well,” he bit into a strawberry, sucking the juices before taking it into his mouth and chewing. Megan and Allison blushed. Adam knew how to distract. “I ran into an old friend from out of state and as he was only in town for the day, we decided to…hook up.”

“Right, and he was probably the one…hooked up, eh?” Matt continued.

Everyone laughed, except Kris. He smiled, chewing on a bagel, but he didn’t believe Adam for a second. The aura around Adam last night wasn’t a sexual afterglow; it was something darker.

“What can I say…,” Adam began.

“… ‘I like the top’,” his friends finished.

Their manager charged into the room, texting on his phone. “Times awastin’ kids. Stuff your mouths and let’s go.”

“Adam’s done,” Matt offered. “He stuffed his mouth last night.”

Their manager didn’t appreciate the humor, giving Adam a hard look.

Adam pushed his half empty plate aside, keeping his tone light. “Let’s go make some magic.”

 

\--*--

 

Kris and Adam shared a ride with Allison, Megan and Lil. Adam talked nonstop about everything and nothing, controlling the conversation so no one could ask for more details about his tryst yesterday. Kris watched his friend closely. Adam did love to talk but he usually enjoyed the give and take of a good conversation; in Kris’ opinion, Adam was spewing verbal diarrhea, making noise just for the sake of making noise.   
He’d thought Adam was better this morning. Maybe he was wrong. 

There were several studios at the rehearsal hall and they were free to sit in on each other’s sets. Kris had finished his practice and quietly entered Adam’s studio, just as he was blasting out “Whole Lotta Love” from his seat beside the piano. Kris could see Adam twitching in his seat, his legs aching to strut. This was only the first rehearsal, just a run through of the songs – practicing the actual performances would come later in the week. The glory note echoed off the walls, followed by applause. Flawless.

Adam was handed the lyrics to “Mad World”. He perused them while the pianist did a run through of the melody. He could sing this song in his sleep but there was something more to it now. He was trapped in a mad world, a crazy world where…

“Are you ready?” He looked up and nodded.

Adam sat statue still on the stool, weaving his way through the haunting song. The air conditioning was on low yet Adam was cold, colder than he had ever been. He set down the lyric sheet and drew his jacket and scarf tighter around himself as he sang. The words left his mouth while his mind was back in that alley, in the store, in Jerry’s shower. Kris watched all of this, seeing Adam get lost behind his blue eyes. The last note hung high in the air and melted, raining down. Adam’s tone was so beautiful and so full of sadness it brought everyone to tears.

Multiple hands patted Adam on the back. Hands touched his shoulders, his back, his neck. Adam flinched, pain radiating through his mind and body. He pulled away. His companions looked surprised; Adam half laughed, telling them they were officially under his spell. He scanned the studio for an exit. Setting down his music and excusing himself, he tried not to run until he was out of sight.

Naturally, his bodyguard followed, stopping when he saw Adam go into the men’s room. Adam looked under the stalls, making sure he was alone and then he locked the door.   
Gingerly, he lifted the scarf off his neck. The scarf was bloody. Damn. Somehow he needed to get fresh bandages – there weren’t any in his room and he didn’t dare ask. Adam remembered seeing a small first aid kit in the studio, near the fire extinguisher. His messenger bag would be big enough to hide it. Adam splashed cold water on his face and bracing himself, went back, bodyguard hot on his heels.

After rehearsals, they returned to the hotel, heading for the restaurant. Adam declined, saying he wasn’t feeling well. His bodyguard was sent with him back to his room – probably to make sure he didn’t disappear again. They were the only guests on their floor and had there own private security. Adam felt secure but not safe.

 

\--*--

 

Lock. 

Swish. 

Click. Click. Click. 

Push. Push. Push.

Drag. Drag.

Stack.

Climb. 

Huddle.

 

\--*--

 

Kris rapped lightly on the door. “Adam, are you coming to breakfast?”

No answer.

“Adam?”

“You go ahead.”

“I can wait.”

“No, go ahead, I’ll … I’ll be there soon.”

“If you’re sure.”

No response, just some shuffling noise.

Kris headed slowly to the elevator, stopping a couple of time to look back at Adam’s room. Adam sounded … sounded … he wasn’t sure. Tired? Maybe a little. Distracted? Maybe that was it. Maybe he was thinking about his songs, working out musical runs in his head. Kris hoped that was it.

Everyone had visited the buffet and was eating by the time Adam arrived. Again, the long sleeves and scarf. He smiled, headed to the buffet and grabbed a muffin. Sitting beside Kris, he picked at it, eating only half by the time they had to leave.

On the ride over, Adam talked only when spoken to directly. Kris watched him staring out the window. Adam’s reflection flickered; it looked like he was about to break down but it was hard to tell. He’d flash that brilliant smile of his when Kris talked to him but it seemed painted on.

At rehearsals, Adam was distracted, pulling at his fingers. Kris noticed Adam wasn’t wearing his rings, or his favorite cuff bracelet. His black nail polish was nearly picked off too, something they all knew Adam did when he was nervous. He kept forgetting the lyrics to “Whole Lotta Love”, even with the words in front of him. When he wasn’t singing, he kept to himself, withdrawn. 

Adam usually loved meeting and talking to people. A crew member’s family came to visit. She had two teenagers. They ran up to Adam, reaching out to him with paper and pen in hand for an autograph. Kris watched as Adam froze, his face turning white under his make up. They waved the paper in front of his face; he couldn’t move; he just stood there staring. Kris noticed Adam’s lips trembling and stepped in. The teens were just as excited to meet Kris and after he had signed autographs and had pictures taken with them, they turned back for Adam. He was gone. Even his bodyguard had lost track of him – again. They called the front desk. Adam hadn’t left and there was no other way out of the building without setting off an alarm. Adam had to be there someway. As lunch started, Kris went looking.

Twenty minutes later he found Adam…on the roof. No alarm on that door apparently. 

Adam’s back was to Kris and he was standing at the edge, overlooking LA. Kris panicked. He didn’t think Adam was this bad! Kris slowly approached him, hoping not to spook him into doing something drastic. He spoke calmly.

“Adam, please come away from the edge.”

Adam turned, his face puzzled. “What?”

“I know things may seem bad now but … but taking your own life…”

Adam walked towards Kris, shaking his head in disbelief. “Do you seriously think I was going to…shit Kris, I have my problems but I’m not that fucked up!”

Pushing by him, Adam headed back downstairs. He threw open the stairwell door and ran, and ran, and ran down the deserted hallways. He found an empty office. Dropping into a chair, he cradled his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking. He didn’t remember how he got up there, just that when those kids ran up to him, demanding things of him, his brain disconnected and his ‘fight or flight’ response kicked in. The minute Kris had distracted them, he picked ‘flight’. 

All he could think was ‘need to escape, need to escape’ and the roof was where he ended up. He was loosing his mind, he was sure of it. It wasn’t until Kris spoke to him that he realized where he was. What was happening to him? Everything he loved to do was now infected with a virus of suspicion and fear. He wouldn’t have jumped, really, but the idea of not having to think about it anymore was inviting. He knew Kris would understand, would help him, if Adam could bring himself to tell Kris what happened. Somehow, he had to find the strength.


	5. The Mystery Deepens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Kris hadn’t talked to Adam since yesterday, since the misunderstanding on the studio’s roof. Did he really think Adam was capable of doing that? In all honesty, Kris didn’t know what Adam was capable of anymore.

As he had done all week, he rapped on Adam’s door this morning. This time, Adam said he wasn’t coming down for breakfast. He didn’t say why, just that he wasn’t joining them. Kris reminded him about the rehearsal and press circus waiting for them today. Adam promised he’d meet everyone at the car.

True to his word, Adam was there, already inside the vehicle when everyone else arrived. He didn’t speak to anyone. Megan, Allison and Lil talked quietly. Kris couldn’t hear the words yet he understood the tone and expressions – they were worried too. Adam had his eyes closed, head resting against the seat. He wasn’t asleep, just lost in his thoughts. He had a death grip on the jacket, twisting it around himself. Kris noticed the loose hair, the make-up free face, the dark circles under the eyes. The smile was gone, replaced by a taunt line. The daylight flickering outside the window played upon his weary face, sparkling here and there on the golden stubble lining his jaw. 

Kris was no longer concerned; he was scared. Bit by bit, the beautiful man he knew and loved was becoming a stranger in a tarnished shell.

The subdued group walked into the studio, Adam trailing behind. Their manager was already there, excited and going on and on about how this publicity was going to make the show, was going to make them all stars. That was, until he laid eyes on Adam.

“What the hell is this? Where’s Adam Lambert?”

Adam spoke for the first time that morning. “I’m here, like I promised.”

The manager stormed up to him, grabbing him by the chin and twisting his head from side to side. Adam’s eyes flared, grabbing the intrusive wrist and yanking it down.

“Don’t you dare lay a fucking finger on me!” he yelled, stepping out of the other man’s reach.

“Watch you mouth, you little shit. Where’s the make up? Where’s the Glam God America watched every week? That’s what they want, what everyone expects. They don’t want,” his hand waved up and down at Adam’s appearance, “don’t want…you!”

“Mary?” he called. The make up artist hurried over. “The press is going to be here in half an hour. Get Adam Lambert back.”

Mary gently took Adam’s arm and led him to the dressing rooms. Adam went willingly.  
Kris could have strangled that prick. He leapt forward, only to be stopped by Anoop and Danny.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” Kris demanded, yanking free. Danny kept a gentle restraint on his shoulder. “Have you no compassion? Can’t you tell something is wrong with him? Don’t you care?”

“I’ll tell you what I care about Allen. I care about the hours, the schedule, the hundreds of thousands of dollars Idol has invested in this tour. We have less than a month to pull together performances worthy of the franchise and I don’t have time to deal with a diva that obviously cares more about himself than any of you! Can’t you kids see he’s bringing everyone down?” 

“The only one bringing us down is you,” Lil stated coldly, moving up beside Kris, linking her arm in his. “Adam is our dear friend and if you continue bullying him, I for one would seriously consider leaving the tour.”

The prick laughed. “You can’t be serious. You’d ruin your career over…”

“I’d rather have a ruined career than a ruined friendship.”

“So would I,” Allison added.

“Me too,” Matt continued - and it did continue, until every single one of them had given management notice. Even a few members of the band joined in.

Kris looked at the love-in behind him. He wanted to smile and laugh and cheer and weep.  
If only Adam had heard this.

 

\--*--

 

Adam returned in twenty minutes, hair fierce, face smooth and glammed up. He wasn’t sure he would last the day, interview after interview, strangers making demands. Adam heard the yelling earlier as he and Mary had walked down the hall. He was sure he was finished until he heard Kris swearing, defending him. Then there was a chorus of other voices, his family, rising up in his defense as well. He didn’t deserve their loyalty. He was letting everyone down.

Today was important. Adam would suck it up and carry on as if nothing were wrong. His friends deserved that much. Adam tolerated the reporters, smiling and laughing through the repetitive questions and phony interest. He swallowed his fear as hands touched his arms, as they demanded more and more of him. He could sense nine pairs of familiar eyes watching his every move, looking out for him. Adam held it together until it was time to perform “Don’t Stop Believing”.  
The song arrangement called for Kris and Adam to sing last. To accomplish this in the studio, the two young men waited patiently behind the others. Kris’ heart broke, watching Adam shake, his eyes tearing. Adam drew shaky breaths, trying to calm himself. Kris ached to hold him, to reassure him whatever was wrong could be made right again. He had learned over the last few days that cuddly Adam was no more; he’d flinch anytime he was touched. 

Kris and Adam came in on cue, leaving the media oblivious to the turmoil in their camp. Private rehearsals were suppose to continue for the rest of the day but their hearts weren’t in it and management finally gave up and let them go back to the hotel.

Adam headed straight for his room, Kris on his heels.

“Adam, wait, please.”

Adam stopped, slid key in hand. “Let me go Kris,” he sighed.

Kris came up around him so they were facing, even if Adam wouldn’t look at him.

“I, I just want to let you know that… I love you and when you’re ready to talk, whatever it is, whenever you need me, I’ll be there. I just wanted to let you know.”

Kris headed to his room.

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too…and thanks.”

 

\--*--

 

Kris sat on the floor, ear against the wall. Soon, the now familiar tune began.

Lock. 

Click. Click. Click. 

Push. Push. Push. 

Drag. Drag.

Stack.

Cry. 

Cry. 

Cry.

 

\--*--

 

Kris sat in the bar, alone in a corner booth. He stared at his empty beer bottle, his third empty beer bottle. Today had been surreal.

Rehearsals continued without Adam. He had skipped breakfast again but had come down to the car, looking the way management wanted him to look but he was told not to come. They felt Adam needed a ‘break’, said they had reworked his schedule and that he had no obligations until next week. They did, however, tell him not to leave the hotel and if he did, he’d have a team of security watching his every move. 

Kris knew they weren’t doing this out of concern; they wanted to avoid any public embarrassment that could hurt the tour. Adam had nodded briefly and disappeared back into the lobby, bodyguard at his side. That was the last time he had seen Adam. It was now nearing 10:00pm and Kris ordered his fourth beer.

On the table in front of him, Kris ran his fingers over a package.

After the final rehearsal of the week, they had gone out to a local restaurant for dinner. Kris called Adam and found his voice mail full. He tried calling Adam’s hotel room. Adam wasn’t picking up. Kris lost his appetite.

When they arrived back at the hotel around 9:30pm, Kris was called over by the concierge – the same lady who had loaned Kris her car.

“Mr. Allen…”

“Kris, please.”

She smiled. “Alright…Kris…I usually don’t do this but this arrived for Mr. Lambert,” she placed a package on the front desk, “marked urgent but we can’t get hold of him. He’s not answering his phone or his door. In fact,” she leaned in, lowering her voice, “he’s asked housekeeping not to enter his room, said he’d contact them if he needed anything. That’s highly unusual.”

“Well, Mr. Lambert hasn’t been feeling well…”

“Oh my, its not contagious is it?”

“Oh, no, no – it’s exhaustion; this schedule, you know.”

“Yes, yes I understand. He’s needs some undisturbed rest.”

“Exactly.”

“But this item?”

“I’ll make sure he gets it.”

“Thank you Kris.”

“Good night.”

“Yes, good night.”

Back at the here and now, he wrestled with his conscience. It was Adam’s private mail but what if it contained clues that could help Kris. Downing his fourth beer, he decided to use drunkenness as a defense.

He opened the package. Inside was a new cell phone, a watch and credit cards. There was a note from his mom. Kris wouldn’t read it. Instead, he played twenty questions with himself, trying to complete the puzzle.

Kris had two days to solve the mystery. After his interview tomorrow, he’d be on the case and would not give up until his best friend was whole again.


	6. Oh my God, what did they do?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Saturday morning. The hotel floor was nearly deserted. The gal’s went shopping and the rest of the guys decided to take in a ballgame. Kris had an interview waiting for him; he kept putting off leaving. A new note had joined Adam’s macabre chorus last night from his room – coughing. 

The phone rang.

“Allen, get your ass down here. The car’s waiting.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming.”

Kris stopped at Adam’s room, knocking gently.

“Adam? It’s Kris.”

No words, just coughing.

“Adam, please. Can I see you for a minute?”

Kris waited as long as he dared.

“I have to go for a few hours. If you need anything, call my cell. Please.”

The elevator doors closed and Adam’s door cracked open. A pair of red rimmed eyes peered into the hall.

 

\--*--

 

On the drive over, Kris formulated a plan. Once the interview was finished, he was free for the rest of the weekend. First, he would go to SkinGraft and talk to the staff. Maybe they saw something. He knew the bodyguard had lost track of Adam outside the shop so he was going to walk around, talk to people, and see if there were any security tapes from that night.

He laughed at himself. Who did he think he was? CSI? He shouldn’t be doing the police work but Adam was never declared legally missing. Why would they investigate anyway? 

The car pulled up to the TV station. Kris called Adam one last time, letting the phone ring. He heard the phone pick up then lost the signal. In the mere seconds between the pickup and the silence, Kris heard more coughing. 

 

\--*--

 

Adam didn’t care who was calling, although it was probably Kris. He needed his best friend desperately but he was so tired. He wiped his hot face with a cold facecloth, cringing every time he moved his neck. Adam curled up on the bed, careful not to lie on his back.

He drifted into a fitful sleep. In his dream, Adam stood alone in a gray room. In front of him, in the dark, were grabbing hands and ear piercing screams. Behind him, in the light, was Kris, gentle hands extended and comforting words. He turned towards…

“Arrggh!”

He snapped awake, having rolled onto his back, putting pressure on his neck. He curled back into a ball. His endless flow of tears soaked the mattress.

 

\--*--

 

Finally, the interview wrapped up. Kris hurried into the sunlight to find his car wasn’t there. What the fuck? He had to go!

Word had gotten out Kris Allen was taping an interview. The sidewalk was crowded on both sides of the building’s front entrance. Fan called out to him. Reluctantly, with a smile on his face, he started signing autographs, answering yet more questions. Some fans of the show asked where Adam was. Kris gave the well rehearsed response management made him memorize. 

After a few minutes, he stopped looking at beaming faces, concentrating instead at the hands thrusting pictures and pens at him. Kris took a picture from an extended hand and noticed a ring on the thumb, a very familiar ring. He looked up into the face of a young woman, in her late teens, early twenties. Her face was frozen in a hideous grin, a stream of ‘I love you, I love you’ assaulting him.

He moved onto the people beside her but hovered within earshot. Despite the noise around him, he heard only her conversation with the woman beside her.

“Oh my God, I got his autograph! Look, look!”

Kris peered over. The first woman held out the picture for her friend. Instead of seeing the picture, her friend noticed something else, something Kris had missed.

“Trish, where did you get that bracelet? It looks like the one Glambert wears.”

“It IS the one he wears.”

Adam’s cuff bracelet, the one Kris noticed missing a couple of days ago.

“When did you get it?”

“Last week…”

Trish took her friend by the hand, moving her away from the front of the crowd. Kris followed, moving down the line, being careful not to draw their attention. 

“He was at SkinGraft and we waited outside for him.”

“He gave it to you?”

“I took it…and these.”

She presented her hand, wiggling her fingers, showing off the ring, and then from her pocket, she withdrew a strip of fabric. Adam had a shirt that color.

“How’d you get it? Tell me everything!”

Yes, tell me everything, Kris yelled in his head. He couldn’t fathom his luck. The answers were coming to him. Kris was thrilled, and terrified, about finally learning the truth. It just might be worse than he could imagine.

“It was so cool Laura, like a movie. Ben just happened to be walking by when he saw Lambert entering the store. He called me, I called two friends – you know how it goes – and in ten minutes, twelve of us were outside. He could see us through the window. He waved! I was going to die!”

“Why didn’t anyone call me?”

“I tried, you weren’t answering. Anyway, Adam came outside and started signing autographs and letting us take pictures. My God, he’s so hot in person and super nice. His bodyguard kept trying to take him from us, some lame excuse about having to go. They couldn’t do that! I pulled Keith over and told him this awesome plan I came up with.”

“What? What?”

Oh my God, what did they do?

“He thought it was brilliant. We played ‘telephone’ until everyone was in on it. I can’t believe it worked.”

“What worked? Trish?”

Laura was getting frantic. So was Kris.

“Keith distracted his bodyguard. I don’t know what he said but he managed to get him far enough away from us that we got Adam alone. We kept asking him questions, having him sign, you know, distracting him, as we slowly started leading him away. I noticed this empty store when I was trying to find the shop. The door was open. It was the perfect spot. We managed to move the party towards it. We got him inside and shut the door. How lucky could we get?”

“What did he do?”

Kris’s stomach twisted into knots. He fought back the images his brain was creating.

“When he didn’t want to sign anymore, we asked him for souvenirs. He refused so we decided to grab our own. It was awesome, Laura; we had him trapped! I pulled this ring off his finger and the bracelet off his wrist. Oh my God, I touched him. He felt so fucking good. I ran my hands over every inch of him – every…inch…of …him.”

“No! Even his…”

“Several times. Everyone did!”

“He didn’t stop you?”

“Oh, he kept saying, like ‘Stop, don’t’ but you know celebrities, they live for their fans. We know he wanted it. Too bad he got away. I was hoping he’d be here today; I wanted another shot at him.”

Their laughter bounced around Kris’ head. He wanted to heave. Kris had imagined several scenarios but never this. How could people who claimed to love Adam assault him like this? No wonder Adam wouldn’t let anyone touch him. Kris couldn’t fathom how much Adam must still be suffering. Did they physically hurt him too? 

“Kris, the car’s here.”

The fans overheard and started leaving. Kris turned to his bodyguard and keeping his eye on the bitch, pointed her out, and ordered his security to stop her. He’d be damned if he’d let them get away with this. 

Kris watched Trish be detained and led into the lobby of the building. Laura followed. Kris took a deep breathe, gathering control before confronting her so he wouldn’t be charged with assault himself. He placed a call to the police before joining them.

“…you can’t do this! I didn’t do anything!”

The two women saw Kris enter. Obviously, he was achieving the look he wanted because they both paled.

“Kris… Mr. Allen… I didn’t do anything out there. It’s a mistake,” Trish begged, unable to break free of the grip on her elbow.

“It was a mistake to lay hands on Adam. I heard your entire conversation. What the fuck were you thinking? Do you have any idea what you little shits have done to him?”

“But it was nothing … nothing he didn’t want,” she urged.

Kris snorted. He couldn’t believe she didn’t get! “The police are on their way. You and your friends are going to be charged, I guarantee it. If I were you, I’d rat them out or else you’ll carry the brunt of the blame yourself.”

The police arrived and Trish was arrested. Laura was also brought in for questioning. Kris gave his statement, asking the attending officer a favor. Before they left the lobby, Trish was ordered to hand over the ring. Kris had promised to return it as evidence but right now he needed to return it to Adam.

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting trouble like that,” Kris’ bodyguard said to himself. He took out his cell.

“Who are you calling?” Kris asked.

“I have to let the boss know…”

“Please.” Kris slowly covered the keypad. “Don’t call yet. Let me talk to Adam first. He needs to tell everyone himself. Can you understand that?”

“Sure. I really didn’t want to break the news myself anyway.”

Kris jumped in the waiting car.

“Get me back to the hotel now.”

Get me to Adam.


	7. Broken Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

The minute Kris had arrived back at the hotel, he wanted to sprint up to Adam’s door and pound on it, demanding that Adam open up and talk to him. Waiting for the elevator, he caught his breath and rearranged his thinking.

In Adam’s mental state, having someone trying to break his door down and screaming at him was the last thing he needed. It could send him over the edge – if he hadn’t fallen over already. Rather, Kris quickly planned a gentler approach. He left the lobby and headed back out the door onto the street.

\--*--

 

Knock. Knock.

“Adam, it’s Kris.”

Adam slowly opened his eyes, uncurling his body from the tight ball that had become his usual position. A cough racked his body. Fiery pain poured down his back and over his shoulders.

“Adam, I know you’re there, I can hear you coughing. Please open up.”

He sat up. The room spun around him. He closed his eyes, gripping the edge of the mattress until the sickness left his stomach. He wasn’t sure what day or time it was, just that someone was pounding on his head – or was it the door?

“Adam? Let me in, it’s important. Please!”

Standing slowly, he gingerly slipped on a shirt, buttoned it, flicked up the collar then steadying himself, felt his way to the door.

He opened it, the light from the hall burning his eyes.

“What is it Kris, I don’t feel so good.”

“I know, I heard you coughing.” He lifted up his hand, showing Adam a brown paper bag. “I remember you telling me your mom’s chicken soup could cure everything from a hangnail to a hangover. I couldn’t get hold of her but this is the next best thing. It’s from that Jewish deli around the corner.”

The homey aroma perked him up. They did make great chicken soup. His stomach rumbled – he hoped it was hunger pains and nothing else. Unfortunately, the idea of digesting even that golden nectar made bile rise in his throat.

“I don’t know, Kris, I’m not really hungry.”

Kris gave him a don’t-argue-with-me face. “I insist. It will just be the two of us; we can eat in my room or yours.”

The hall spun around and Adam closed his eyes, forcing down a cough.

“Are you okay?”

Kris’ hand came out to steady him. Adam surprised himself that he didn’t flinch, that he welcomed the contact. Having Kris in his life had become as vital to him as inhaling air. He missed him so much. If not the soup, the companionship couldn’t hurt. He didn’t like being alone.

“Let’s eat in your room. I need a change of scenery.”

Grabbing his room key, Adam followed slowly.

 

\--*--

 

Kris prayed the shock in his brain hadn’t translated to his face when Adam opened the door. He looked like the walking dead. He was paler than a ghost, heavy circles under his eyes, dressed like a sloppy frat boy in sweats and a mismatched shirt rather than a put- together, stylish, drop dead gorgeous Glam God. Pain was etched all over his stunning face, contorting his body.

He wanted to drop the soup and catch Adam up in his arms, to hold him and take the pain away. But he felt he had to approach this slowly, give Adam a chance to tell him on his own.

Kris divided the soup into two bowls and they ate in silence. Adam propped his head up on his hand, as if the weight of it was too much for his body to support. He’d eat a mouthful, swirl the spoon in the bowl for a while, and take another taste. They didn’t speak. Kris wasn’t very hungry either but he needed Adam to feel comfortable with him again so he could open up.

Someone had to make the first move.

“I did an interview this afternoon.”

Adam just stared at his soup as if he was searching for something.

“Fans were waiting outside.”

The spoon dropped.

“One of them gave me something for you.”

Kris dug in his pocket and took out the ring, setting it on the table in front of Adam.

Adam’s bottom lip trembled. With a shaking hand, he took the precious ring and slipped it on his finger. He closed his eyes, tears trickled down, and he brought the ring to his lips, kissing it. It was his grandfather’s ring, worth more to him than anything.

“How?” he whispered, a wave of emotion threatening to engulf him.

No more tippy toeing. “I saw it on her hand. She bragged to her girlfriend about what they did to you. I know Adam…I know.”

Adam took a deep breath and looked Kris in the eye. It was time.

“How much?”

Kris moved the soup bowls aside and leaned forward. “I know their side of it. I need to know your side now.”

“But if you know?”

“I know the technicalities; I can see what it’s done to you…”

Adam shook his head. The room started swimming again. “You have no clue, Kris, no clue.”

“Then tell me! Let me inside your beautiful head so I can help you get rid of them for good!”

“How? I’ve tried, they won’t leave me alone.”

“They physically can’t get at you anymore, I made sure of that.”

Adam cocked an eyebrow.

“I had her arrested, the rest should have been rounded up by now.”

Adam smiled. Kris’ heart melted.

“Talk to me. Exorcise them. Don’t let them have power over you anymore.”

Adam carefully got up and swaggering like a drunk, he headed for the door.

Kris jumped to his feet. 

“Adam, where are you going?”

Stopping, he turned to Kris and held out his hand. Kris grasped it warmly, offering a squeeze.

“My room. If you’re into my nightmare, we have to enter it through my room.”

 

\--*--

 

Adam unlocked his door and they walked in. All the lights were on, the curtains closed. Adam had always been a little messy, a little spread out but this was extreme. A fortress of furniture – chairs, couch, desk, luggage - occupied the far corner. That explained the noises! Behind it was a nest of blankets and pillows stripped from the bed. Where did he find a baseball bat? Kris had no clue it was this bad. 

“I, I don’t know what to say Adam.” Kris sat on the bed, his mind in shock.

“Pathetic, isn’t it.”

Adam stood there, wrapping his arms around himself, head down. 

“No, no, it’s…it’s…sad”

“It’s pathetic…call it what it is.”

Kris felt sick. 

“Start talking.”

“I was at Cassidy’s store, trying on my new jacket – it’s sic, Kris, really sic.”

Kris smiled. “It couldn’t be anything but.”

“I saw…them…outside. I waved, you know, be polite and gracious, make it good.”

Kris nodded.

“So I came out and they wanted autographs and pictures. Big surprise. They were asking me questions from every side and before I knew it, the street disappeared and I was someplace dark, someplace small.”

“They distracted your bodyguard and took you to an empty store. It was planned Adam, it was deliberate.”

Adam turned a chair around and fell onto it. 

“I thought as much. It didn’t feel right. I stopped with the autographs and tried to leave. A couple of hands grabbed my shoulders and pinned me to the wall. They started asking for my jewelry, for a piece of clothing…for a kiss. I, I told them no. They didn’t listen. They started yanking my jewelry off, ripping my shirt…”

Adam got up, started pacing, his voice quickening.

“I kept trying to pull away and they stopped me. I couldn’t move. Hands were all over me, in my hair, on my face, my arms, my chest, my legs…” He stopped and stared at Kris, Adam’s eyes wide and horrified. “They were all over my ass, under my ass…they grabbed my crotch and wouldn’t let go. I begged them to stop, they wouldn’t listen, and they just kept touching me. They were everywhere. The room was full of them. They were laughing, they laughed more every time I told them to stop…”

His voice caught and he slowed down.

“Someone, somebody…I felt the button on my jeans come undone and I don’t know how, but I got out of there, just taking off, running. They followed me, screaming that they couldn’t let me get away. I turned down an alley, hid behind a dumpster. They ran past but came back. I found help. Eventually, I ended up a Jerry’s…that’s where you picked me up.”

“They hurt you – I mean physically - didn’t they?” Kris kept his voice low, soft, calm, the total opposite of the hate boiling away inside.

Adam faced Kris and unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his chest, crisscrossed with scratches and dotted with bruises. He then took hold of his waistband and pulled the sweats and underwear down on his left side. Beneath lay a huge red/purple/yellow bruise

“I fell over garbage cans getting away.” Adam pulled his pants back up and laughed, a hollow, self deprecating laugh. “I don’t know how I let this happen. One moment I’m feeling the love and next they’re feeling me up.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Trust me to have the most over the top fans.”

“They had no right Adam. It’s not your fault.”

“I’ve barely slept for a week Kris,” Adam started pacing again, letting it all out. “I’m afraid if I close my eyes, they’ll be there. I know they can’t get in the hotel but they already are - they’re in my head. I can’t eat, I can’t rest, I’m afraid to let anyone near me, even you. One minute I’m fine, the next I feel like my heart is going to pound out my chest. I don’t know where I am, what I’m doing, I, I can’t do anything to stop it.”

His steps started faltering. Kris watched Adam’s eyes glaze over.

“Adam, sweetie, what’s happening.”

His speech slurred, rambled. Sweat beads broke out on his forehead, his upper lip.

“Adam?”

“Pain…hellfire…need you Kris, so tired…”

Adam collapsed. Kris was on his feet, catching him before he landed hard. Adam’s shirt had pulled away from his neck and shoulders as he tumbled over. Kris saw a long gauze bandage, soiled. From underneath it, angry red fingers reached up under Adam’s hairline and down his back. The skin was swollen. Kris carefully touched the area. It was warm and Adam moaned.

Kris left Adam on the floor and ran into the hall, searching for the omnipresent security.

“We need a car, now.”

“Why?”

“We have to get Adam to an emergency room. Hurry!”


	8. Keep on Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this will be kinda gross, especially if you have a weak stomach for medical things. I did research but don't take my word for it ... if you have a problem like this, consult a real medical expert

The car careened into the hospital parking lot and up to the emergency entrance. Adam had become alert a couple of times than passed out. They were extremely careful with his neck and shoulders so when they couldn’t get Adam on his feet, their bodyguard scooped him up in his arms. This gentle giant was only a few inches taller than Adam but he was massive and had no problem carrying him.

Kris rushed ahead to the admittance desk, literally grabbing a passing nurse. She eyed him suspiciously until he gestured towards the twosome coming through the sliding doors.

“His neck…there’s something wrong with his neck,” Kris stammered.

The nurse pulled back Adam’s loose shirt, examining his wound. She reached up, checking his eyes and feeling his face. She gave a sharp nod.

“Follow me.”

She led them to a private examining room.

“Let’s get his shirt off and lay him down on his stomach.”

While the bodyguard supported Adam, Kris and the nurse removed his shirt. There were more scratches and bruises on his arms and back. The nurse gazed over him, turning to Kris with a puzzled, concerned look.

“The doctor will need to know what happened to…”

“Adam. His name is Adam Lambert. And I’ll tell the doc everything, whatever’s needed to help him.”

Carefully, they laid Adam down, his head turned to one side. They removed the pillow to minimize the pressure on his neck.

“Mr. Lambert, can you hear me?” the nurse asked as she slowly removed the medical tape from the bandage.

“Call him Adam,” Kris offered. He had pulled up a chair and was sitting by Adam’s face, his hand resting on his head.

“Adam, I’m Gloria, I’m here to help you.”

Adam moaned.

“I have to remove the bandage. I’ll be a careful as I can.” She turned to Kris. “Did you bandage this?”

Kris shook his head. “No, he did. I didn’t even know he was hurt until about an hour ago. I’m sure he had no idea how bad it was.”

She worked slowly. Kris didn’t want to watch but he couldn’t keep his eyes away. The bandage was stuck, the discharge gluing it down. As Gloria peeled it away, it started bleeding again. The yellow and red stained gauze was tossed away and Kris’ stomach churned. He looked at Adam’s still face, running his fingers through the hair behind his ear. It was a good thing Adam couldn’t see what Kris and Gloria did.

A long slice cut across the back of Adam’s neck. It may have started out small but over the past week had mutated into a large raised welt. Gloria explained the swelling and red inflammation flaring up his neck and down his back were signs of infection. She pointed out the pus pockets pearling along the original cut. They would have to drain the wound and start him on antibiotics since the infection had spread into his system. Kris nodded.

“You can wait in the lobby.”

“I’m not leaving him.”

Gloria didn’t press the matter. She excused herself to get the necessary supplies, bumping into the giant standing outside the door.

“You can wait in the lobby.”

“No.”

She didn’t press the matter with him either. Kris seemed very close to Adam and she was scared of the big guy.

Kris continued stroking Adam’s hair, running a finger along his ear. He leaned in.

“Adam, I’m here. You’re going to be okay, I promise.”

He placed a tender kiss on Adam’s temple as Gloria returned.

Off to the side, Gloria put on latex gloves and began soaking a cloth in a watery solution.

“Do you have any idea what cut into his skin?”

Kris knew it had to be related to the ambush. He absentmindedly rubbed the back of his own neck, thinking. His fingers tangled in the chain of his necklace. The necklace. Adam always wore a necklace. He had a few that were one string of metal, no weak clasps. Adam said they yanked his jewelry off him. Someone would have needed a lot of force to tear the chain apart. It surely sliced into him like a razor blade before breaking. 

“I think it was a chain, from a necklace. It was ripped from his neck.”

Gloria turned to him.

“It’s a long, horrible story.”

She smiled sadly and placed the saturated cloth over the wound. The excess fluid trickled down Adam’s shoulders. Gloria handed Kris a towel.

“This cloth is soaked in disinfectant. We need to keep it on for 15 minutes or so, to soften the skin.”

“Then what?”

“Then, we start removing the infection.”

That sounded painful. Gloria left Kris and Adam alone.

Kris looked around the cold, sterile room, listened to the noise of sirens echoing off the walls. He looked down at Adam, still out of it, and shook his head.

“Oh, Adam, how could everything go so wrong so fast? We’re supposed to be playing rock star right now, not doctor.” He dried Adam’s shoulder, dabbed his fevered forehead. “I don’t get it, I really don’t. You should be worrying about glittering yourself up not hiding from crazy people. I wish I could make this last week disappear, make the pain and fear go away.” He gazed at his best friend’s sleeping face. He looked twelve and vulnerable. “How could anyone harm a hair on your beautiful body?”

“You…think…I’m beautiful?” Adam whispered, followed by a cough, his blue eyes open and alert.

“Hey baby, welcome back.” Kris leaned in, smiling from ear to ear. Adam tried to get up but Kris gently pushed him down. “Take it easy, don’t move.”

“It’s raining on me.”

Kris laughed softly. “It’s a wet cloth on your neck, that’s all.” Kris dried him again.

Adam’s eyes looked around. “What happened?”

“You passed out in your hotel room. It’s your neck, Adam, it’s badly infected. That’s why you’ve been so sick.”

Adam then closed his eyes and let out a shaky sigh. “Is this nightmare ever going to end?”

“Soon … soon.”

They were quiet for a while. Adam took hold of Kris’ hand. 

“I should have told you all of this when it happened. My pride got in the way I guess – I was embarrassed about not being able to defend myself.”

“It was one against twelve, how could you have. But you did get out of there and you are going to beat this. I’m with you every step of the way.”

Nurse Gloria came back. She brought another woman with her. Gloria introduced her as Dr. Keeling. Dr. Keeling smiled, happy to see her patient awake.

Kris quickly filled her in on what Adam had gone through, explaining the bruises and scrapes. Adam squeezed Kris’ hand; he didn’t need to words to show how happy he was to be looked after.

Gloria removed the cloth and Dr. Keeling examined the wound. She gently prodded it with her finger, making Adam wince. 

“Okay, we’re ready for the next step.” She turned to the boys. “I’m going to need each of you to do something very important for me. Adam, I need you to stay as still as possible. It’s going to hurt and you’re going to want to move but its imperative that you don’t. I don’t want to cause you more damage.

“Kris, your job is to distract Adam – do and say whatever you can to keep his attention from what I’m doing. I’ll also need you to hold down his shoulders, to help keep him steady.” She passed Kris a rolled up bundle of gauze. “If you want to Adam, Kris can place this roll of gauze between your teeth so you can bite down. I could use a local anesthetic but with this cut so near your brain stem, I’d rather not. We don’t want further complications. Are we ready?”

Both men nodded. Kris moved to the head of the bed, his arms on either side of Adam’s head, firmly holding his shoulders. He leaned on his arm closest to Adam’s face.

“Adam, look at me.”

Adam looked up.

“You can do this – you survived Simon Cowell, this should be a walk in the park.”

“A walk down Sunset Boulevard.”

“Sure, wherever you want.”

Adam’s eyes, full of trust, locked onto his best friend and he braced himself, holding the edges of the gurney.

Kris kept his gaze on Adam yet somehow managed to keep an eye on the doctor. He figured if he knew what was coming, he could help prepare Adam.

Gloria was sterilizing a tweezers-like instrument while Dr. Keeling started breaking and cleaning up the pus around the edges of the cut. Adam’s breathe quickened but he seemed okay so far.

Next, Dr. Keeling took the tweezers thing and starting prying at the edges of the wound. Adam squeezed his eyes closed, hissing, his fingers digging in to the metal gurney. She dabbed a little more with the sterile gauze. She looked to Gloria and then setting the tweezers down, picked up what looked to Kris like a scalpel. She caught Kris watching her.

“There are more pockets of infection beneath the surface. I will have to make an incision to get to them. It’s the only way to eradicate the infection.

“How are we doing Adam?” she asked, genuine concern in her voice.

“Like shit but do what you have to do. Kris?”

Kris returned his gaze to Adam. He could see fear in those bottomless eyes.

“I’m here.”

“I think I’m going to need that gauzy thing. I don’t want to pierce my own tongue.”

Kris picked it up and put it to Adam’s lips.

“Wait,” Adam sputtered before being gagged. “I want you to sing to me, anything, just keep singing, no matter what.”

Kris fought back tears. So did Adam. Kris nodded and Adam opened his mouth, biting down on the roll as it was set between his teeth.

Dr. Keeling made the first incision and Adam nearly bolted off the table. A combination roar and scream forced itself past the gag and his snarling lips. Kris held down has hard as he could but Adam’s legs kept thrashing. Dr. Keeling stopped. She looked towards the hulk standing nervously outside the door.

“Who’s that?” she demanded of Gloria.

Gloria shook her head, looking to Kris for an answer.

“He’s one of our bodyguards.”

“Bodyguard?” both women asked, stunned.

Kris shrugged. “It’s…”

“…I know, I know…a long, horrible story,” Gloria concluded.

“Goliath!” Dr. Keeling called, directing her attention to the bodyguard. He looked at her, worried. “We need you help. Get in here.”

He tried talking himself out of it but failed. Dr. Keeling ordered him to the end of the bed and directing him to hold down Adam’s legs. Content that all bases were covered, she started again.

Adam screamed, muffled by the gauze, his breathing heavy and fast. Tears poured down his face. Kris kept singing, his head resting atop Adam’s, keeping that much needed body contact. He sang ‘We are the Champions’ into his ear.

“You’re doing great boys, almost finished,” Dr. Keeling yelled to be heard over the screaming, the singing and the swearing coming from the bottom of the table. Gauze tissues flew onto the floor as she cleaned out the infection.

“’We are the champions my friend – And we’ll keep on fighting til the end – We are the champions, we are the champion – No time for losers - Cause we are the champions of the world.’”

“All done,” the doctor declared, wiping her brow.

Gloria helped the weak kneed Goliath out to the waiting room. Kris removed the roll from Adam’s mouth, kissing his cheek and forehead.

“You did it baby, you did it. You did it.”

Adam panted, running his tongue over his parched lips, eyes still closed but now from exhaustion.

“We…did…it.”

Dr. Keeling soaked a fresh cloth in more disinfectant and placed it over the cleaned wound.

“This needs to stay on for half an hour. After that, we’ll pack some more gauze around it. I want to keep you in overnight Adam. We’ll need to change the bandages often and monitor you to make sure I removed all the infection. You should be able to go home tomorrow.”

“Whatever you say doctor, right Adam? Adam? Doctor!”

Dr. Keeling checked him.

“He’s alright; he’s just worn out.”

 

\--*--

 

Adam woke up in a hospital room, lying on his side. He felt something pressed up against his back and legs.

“Kris, are you feeling cuddly all of a sudden?”

“You wish Lambert, you wish.”

Kris came around the bed from his spot at the window. He sat down.

“The nurse tucked pillows behind you to prevent you from rolling onto your neck.”

“Yeah, been there, done that. No fucking fun.”

“I have to go soon. Dr. Keeling let me stay until you woke up but after I check on you, visiting hours are over for me.”

“I wish you could stay.”

Kris brushed the hair from Adam’s eyes. 

“Me too but I have a few things to take care of back at the hotel.”

“Like telling everyone what happened.”

Kris paused. “They have a right to know.”

“I know. Thanks for doing it – I don’t think I could handle reliving it again.”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to. Dr. Keeling said you should get counseling to help deal with the anxiety attacks.”

“Anxiety attacks?”

“That’s what you’ve been having Adam. She says counseling will help you deal with your fears and move on with your life. Didn’t you tell me you’d do whatever it takes?”

“You can’t hold me responsible for that; I was under extreme duress.”

“Too late to recant. Try and get some sleep. See you in the morning.”

Kris kissed Adam’s forehead and headed for the door.

“Kris.”

He turned, smiling warmly.

“I just wanted to say thanks and, and I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	9. Smack Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Kris Allen - HBIC

Kris and Goliath arrived back at the hotel. Kris drove since big boy bodyguard was still shaky from the drama at the hospital. Adam seemed to hold up better than this guy did and Adam was the one being cut open.

A message from the police was waiting for him at the front desk. Trish had confessed everything and given up her accomplices. They needed Adam and Kris to give a statement. Kris called the arresting officer back and explained the current situation. He said he’d bring Adam in tomorrow if he was released from the hospital. This would be a great first step for Adam in claiming his life back – if Kris could get him to go.

As expected, their manager was waiting for him. Kris figured he would have discovered Adam missing by now and would be in a worse tirade than before. Kris was too tired and stressed to deal with this shit. He was about to behave very unlike himself.

“Where the fuck is he? I’m going to break his…!”

“Shut…up,” Kris stated calmly, clinching his fists at his side.

The other man was taken aback momentarily then with rage in his controlled voice demanded, “What did you say to me?”

Kris looked him in the eye. Voice steady, he answered. “Shut…up.”

“You little piece of shit, how dare you…”

A heavy, protective arm encircled Kris’s shoulders followed by a booming voice that rattled his bones.

“THE MAN SAID TO SHUT UP!”

Kris looked up at Goliath and smiled. Goliath cocked his head and shrugged. Okay, this guy’s a keeper, Kris thought to himself.

“We need to talk and you are going to listen. Inside. Now.”

The manager headed towards his suite.

“No,” Kris ordered quietly, “we’re going to Adam’s room.”

Kris swiped the key and all three entered. It was still a shock for Kris seeing the room in this condition but he had to use everything at his disposal to get through to this jackass. Of course, Jackass froze, jaw dropping open, as he slowly walked around, taking everything in. Kris bent down and picked up the scarf Adam had been wearing the past week. He turned it over, easily spotting the dry blood and yellow discharge. He set it on the bed, readily accessible if he needed more visuals.

Jackass sat on the bed. “Can I talk now?” he asked, calmer than before.

“If you can control yourself and really listen to me.”

Jackass nodded. “Where is he this time?”

Kris sat on the chair Adam had used hours before. Goliath stood by his side, arms crossed, daring Jackass to say something stupid.

“In the hospital just for tonight, maybe longer. It depends.”

“Hospital?”

Kris thought Jackass looked genuinely concerned. This might not be as hard as Kris thought.

“The day he went missing…”

“…when he decided to screw around instead of show up for work.” Goliath cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

“Adam lied to you. He lied to all of us really. But he felt he had to, given the circumstances.”

Jackass raised his eyebrows, keeping his big mouth closed.

“He wasn’t with an old friend. He was hiding out after being attacked.”

“Attacked? What do you mean attacked?”

“Attacked – assaulted, ambushed, mobbed, mauled – physically and emotionally.”

Jackass shook his head. “I don’t understand. Details please.”

Kris told him everything he knew, about the crazy fans, Adam’s anxiety attacks, his mental state and physical injuries. He explained the cut on Adam’s neck had festered and landed Adam in emergency with an infection attacking his body. Kris went into graphic detail about what Adam had gone through that night, knowing the pictures he conjured would have impact. He looked at Goliath. The big guy was turning green around the gills but kept firm at Kris’ side.

Jackass’ voice was quieter, the anger having faded away. 

“Why didn’t he just tell me the truth?”

“Well…”

“…because I was being an asshole.”

“Well, yeah.” Kris got up from the chair and sat on the bed. “Adam would be the first to tell you he was wrong. He just felt embarrassed and humiliated – and in shock I imagine. He didn’t want to admit to anyone that he couldn’t defend himself. We’ve talked about it and he knows there was really nothing he could have done to stop it. He got away and that’s all he could do – then.”

“So, what’s next?”

“For you? You’re going to issue a press release, especially since the police are now involved and the story will get out. Give them a watered down version of what happened and leave out Adam’s behavior of late and not too many details about what they did to him. You need to get across that this behavior is wrong and that if it happens again, to any of us, there will be legal consequences.”

Jackass appeared annoyed at being ordered around by the Pocket Idol but held his tongue.

“You’re also going to beef up security, now and during the tour especially.”

“Anything else Mr. Allen?” Sarcasm dripped off his lips. 

“Some time soon, you’re going to apologize to Adam and then everyone else for being such a prick. You’re going to take care of the tour and I’m going to take care of Adam.”

“Made you his protector, did he?”

“I appointed myself. He needs me…needs someone as he recovers. You do what I told you and I’ll do what I have to. Now get out, I need to clean up this mess.”

 

\--*--

 

Kris collapsed on his bed, thoroughly exhausted. The hum of vacuum cleaners filled the silent air of his room. After putting Jackass in his place (God, that felt great), he gathered their fellow Idols together and told them what had happened. They were shocked, to say the least, but each one vowed to help Adam through this any way they could. They also made a pact to watch each other’s backs so this wouldn’t happen so someone else.

He had spent over an hour straightening up the worst of Adam’s mess before calling housekeeping for a complete cleaning. At first, they refused, being after midnight, but Kris insisted, assuring them no one on their floor would complain and enticing them with a generous tip – courtesy of their management. He had to remember to tell Jackass that in the morning.

He hoped Adam was getting some much needed sleep because Kris was sure he wouldn’t get any himself. The week’s events ran a marathon in his brain, a melodrama played out behind Kris’ closed eyelids like a horror movie – Adam missing, falling apart at the studios, standing on the edge of the roof, reliving the attack, collapsing in slow motion, screaming as the doctor sliced into him – a continuous circle of chaos.

Kris opened up the mini bar and emptied a few little bottle of vodka into a water glass. He promised Adam he’d be there, helping him through this. He downed the vodka and prayed for the strength. He pause the movie in his mind and drifted into a shallow sleep.

At 3:27am, he was awoken by the chiming of his cell phone. Eyes still closed, he felt around on the side table until he found it.

“What?” he murmured, still half asleep.

“Kris? Sorry, I should have known you’d be sleeping, ah, forget it. Bye.”

Kris bolted upright. “Adam? Hold on, don’t hang up!” Too late. “Damn it!” Adam’s voice had sounded small, like he was fighting back tears.

Kris looked up the number and called back. He reached the hospital switchboard but they refused to connect him. It didn’t matter that Adam had just placed a call; they weren’t allowed to put through calls in the middle of the night, particularly to the patient’s rooms.

Slipping on his sneakers, he grabbed a jacket and headed out the door. Goliath was still on duty by the elevator with another security guard.

“Adam?” he asked.

Kris nodded.

“Let’s go.”

 

\--*--

 

They had no trouble coming in through the emergency entrance; getting to Adam’s floor was more difficult. They got off the elevator on the floor beneath and took the stairs up one flight. Adam’s room was just past the nurses’ station. Goliath told Kris to stay put and he walked over, engaging the solitary on-duty nurse in some kind of conversation. Kris managed to slip by and quietly entered Adam’s room.

Adam remained in the same position Kris had left him in. He was on his side, facing the door. His head was half buried in the pillow and he was clutching the blanket to his chest, crying softly. His eyes were closed tightly and lost in his suffering, he didn’t hear Kris come in.

“You know it’s rude to hang up on your best friend,” Kris softly joked, moving closer.

Adam looked up, surprise all over his face. “You shouldn’t be here. God, I’m screwing up everyone’s lives.” His face disappeared again as a new wave of emotion poured over him.

“Hey now, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” Kris sat on the edge of the bed, his hand on Adam’s hip. His thumb soothingly brushed back and forth. “What happened? Why did you call?”

Leaning back slightly on the pillows tucked behind him, Adam looked at Kris, his eyes red and swollen.

“The nurse gave me something to sleep but I had a nightmare.” 

Kris moved up closer, his hand now on Adam’s side.

“I was in that abandoned store, they were grabbing at me, tearing my clothes off. I cried out for help and then there you were, in the doorway…”

“That’s good, right? I came to help you.”

“No, no, you don’t get it.” The tears trickled down. “They left me and swarmed you. I slumped to floor, all my strength gone and I watched them swallow you up. You yelled my name, begging for help, and I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I’m so pathetic…so weak…I, I…”

Kris gathered Adam up in his arms and rocked him, urging Adam to let it all out, all the grief he’d been bottling up inside. Adam clung on, enrobed in Kris’ strength, enough strength for both of them. Adam wept until the tears no longer came. He pulled back a little, bracing himself up with one arm, the other having fallen to Kris’s waist. Kris reached over to the side table and grabbed the tissue box, placing it in Adam’s lap. Adam smiled sadly, pulling a few tissues and dabbing his eyes, blowing his nose.

“You always take care of me Kristopher; I don’t deserve you in my life. I don’t deserve anything.”

“For such an intelligent man, you can be really stupid.” Kris cupped Adam’s damp cheek, lifting his face up til their eyes met. “You deserve everything wonderful in life. You deserve to be happy, to have the career of your dreams, to be respected, to live your life however you choose. You are strong, generous, gracious, fabulous,” Kris’ thumb rubbed Adam’s bottom lip, “entrancing…beautiful…loveable.”

Kris’ mouth slowly descended on Adam’s. The universe granted them the briefest moment before Goliath stuck his head in the door. The boys pulled apart, Kris’ cheeks flaming red and Adam eyes blinking too quickly.

“Ah, sorry to interrupt but the nurse was called to another patient’s room. We better leave now before we’re caught.”

Kris nodded. “Head back to the stairwell; I’ll only be a moment.”

They gazed at each other, Kris’ hand still on Adam’s cheek, Adam’s hand rubbing Kris’ side.

“What was that?” Adam asked, his voice an angel’s whisper.

“I … I’m not sure but we’ll have to explore this more later.”

“Explore? Sounds intriguing.” 

Kris cleared his throat and Adam settled back into bed.

“I’ll be back in the morning, later in the morning. If you have anymore nightmares, call me…and stay on the line this time.”

“I don’t think dreaming sweet dreams will be hard now.”

Kris squeezed Adam’s hand and left.

Within the hour, both friends were asleep, separate in their respective beds, together in one dream.


	10. "I'm okay now ..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Kris and Goliath walked down the hall to Adam’s room. It was just before 9:30am and visiting hours had started. The doors to the other patient rooms were open except Adam’s. Kris stopped at the nurses’ station and asked if anything was wrong.

Apparently, some paparazzi had snuck up the stairwell around 6:00am and got past the desk, entering Adam’s room. He was sound asleep and between the medication and exhaustion, he didn’t hear the scuffle that happened. Hospital security seized their cameras and threw them out. 

So, Kris thought, the word was out. He had hoped the statement he insisted Jackass issue would have prevented this but when the pap’s smell blood, they jump. 

Dr. Keeling had been contacted and she insisted Adam’s door stay closed and that the nurses let him sleep as much as he could. The only people she authorized to visit her patient were Kris and their bodyguard. 

Goliath insisted on waiting outside the door, for security reasons. He averted his eyes but smiled, knowing the young men probably would like some time alone. Kris took the bags Goliath was carrying and slowly opened the door, trying not to disturb Adam.

Setting the bags down, Kris walked over to his dear friend, head tilted to the side, a warm smile on his face. Adam looked so content, so peaceful, his dark lashes kissing his freckled skin. Kris carefully moved s chair over to the bed and sat, wondering why it took him so long to admit his feelings. 

From the moment he had met Adam during Hollywood week, he knew how extraordinary he was. When they became roommates, he learned just how much of an understatement his first assessment of Adam Lambert had been. They started as friends, became best friends, then brothers and now, well, it seemed they were destined to become even more. 

Kris had always felt like Adam was his protector, the stronger one who looked not only after him but the other Idols as well. He was so self-aware, assured, and confident in everything he did. Adam had bravely admitted to the world that he had a crush on his roommate and while they laughed about it afterwards, Kris was truly honored that someone like Adam could have feelings for him. 

This past week changed everything dramatically. Adam was now the one feeling small and unsure. Kris took over the role of guardian, watching out for him and the others. This confidence, bred by Adam’s belief in him, brought out a new side in Kris. He felt empowered, in control and determined to keep Adam safe. He outwardly showed the world his strength but he was dying inside watching Adam’s life spin out of control.

So when they sat on Adam’s bed in the wee hours of the morning, Adam reaching to Kris for comfort, feeling their bodies and hearts pressed together, Kris had an overwhelming urge to prove to Adam that he was loved, the way real love was supposed to be shown.

That brief touch, when their lips brushed, was intoxicating, a blend of salty tears and sweet promises. If Goliath hadn’t interrupted, Kris was sure he would have continued devouring Adam. He slept once back at the hotel but he was busy all night in his dreams, resting only when the alarm went off.

A happy sigh danced out of Adam’s lips, his long body stretching like a cat. He opened is eyes and saw Kris sitting there, smiling and laying his hand on Adam’s ankle.

“If I’m still dreaming, don’t wake me,” he groaned, his smile widening.

“Time to get up; you can’t sleep the day away.”

“I could if I was sleeping beside you.”

Just then, Gloria came in, carrying a tray of medical stuff.

“Good morning; I hope you feel better.”

“I fell terrific.” Adam winked at Kris and his friend stifled a laugh. “When can I leave?”

“Well, I need to change you bandage, bring you some breakfast and Kris needs to get you moving.” Adam coughed. “Dr. Keeling will be in around noon and if she gives the thumbs up, we’ll discharge you.”

As Gloria changed the dressing, commenting on how well it seemed to be healing, Adam and Kris gazed at each other. Through the blankets, Adam could feel Kris’ hand squeezing his ankle, a finger rubbing his instep. Adam’s breath hitched; Gloria apologized, thinking she had done something. 

Adam could not believe how his life had turned out. He remembered New Year’s Eve at the Upright Cabaret. He’d finished his last song and wished everyone a wonderful 2009. In his wildest fantasies, he could never have imagined how different things would be nearly six months later. He had hoped to create a fan base and get a record contract and now he was well on his way, living the ups and downs of fame. 

He had also never imagined that his heart would feel whole again. When he met Kris Allen the first time, he thought he was adorable and just his type but he also believed Kris was as straight as an arrow. Adam didn’t mean to blurt out in that interview that he had a crush on his roommate and no one had any idea how relieved he was when Kris didn’t run away as fast as he could. They joked about it and Adam thought that was that.

When the attack happened, Adam’s confidence and bravery were stripped away with everything else. He called Kris, not the police, and as much as he wanted to lay it all down before Kris, to share the pain, he couldn’t bring himself to admit he needed someone. He fought Kris’s every attempt to help him while at the same time wanting nothing more than Kris’ arms holding on and never letting go.

His strength gone, and knowing Kris had gone out of his way to help him, Adam finally confessed what was going on in his head. Collapsing hadn’t been part of the reveal but it brought them even closer. As there lips drew together, Adam knew, finally, deeply in his heart, that everything would be okay in the end as long as Kris was there.

“All done. Now, Kris, can you help Adam into that chair and I’ll get you something to eat.”

Kris pushed his chair back and Adam pulled away the covers, slowly righting himself. The room twirled around and he nearly pitched forward off the bed. Kris caught him, hands on his biceps, leg between Adam’s knees. The hospital gown traveled up Adam’s thighs as he wrapped his bare legs around Kris’ knee. Toppled off balance, Kris leaned in until they shared the same air. They searched each other’s faces, Adam’s arms encircling Kris, drawing him closer.

“You did say we’d explore later,” Adam whispered, his lips parted and wanting.

Kris’s tongue caressed the corner of his own mouth. “I did say that, didn’t I?”

“Uh huh.”

Gloria and Goliath’s voices could be heard outside the door. They reluctantly parted.  
Adam stood up, his knees wobbly, and Kris helped him settle into the chair. He wrapped a blanket around Adam’s bare legs.

“Am I in a nursing home or something?” Adam laughed.

“You don’t want a chill.”

“Won’t happen around you.”

Gloria came in with a covered plastic tray. Kris moved over a table and she set the tray down. Adam leered at it. Everything was plastic – the tray, the utensils, the cup, even the food. 

“They outdid themselves in the kitchen this morning,” Gloria commented.

“Bully for them.” How was he expected to digest this crap?

“Eat up. I’ll be back for the tray later.”

Once Gloria was out the door, Adam pushed the table away. “Are they trying to make me hurl?”

Kris laughed, heading for one of the bags he had brought. To Adam’s delight, Kris presented him with a bagel, cream cheese and a container of fresh fruit.

“If I tried to smuggle in a real coffee the aroma of something actually edible would have given me away.”

Adam gave Kris his best ‘gimme gimme’ face, complete with grabbing hands, and loaded up the soft bagel, closing his eyes and savoring each bite.

“So what happened yesterday, when you talked to everyone?” Adam managed between chews.

Kris sat back in his own chair, crossing his arms. “It went good, I think. You’ve now got more unofficial bodyguards than you count on one hand and Jackass is hiring extra security for everybody.”

“Jackass?”

“I thought it fit.”

Adam nodded, nibbling a juicy strawberry.

“Jackass issued a press release, about the…incident.” Adam’s eyes widen. “Don’t worry, don’t worry, it didn’t go into great detail - just that a group of fans behaved inappropriately and were being charged. Warned other fans about, you know, behaving themselves or else.” 

Adam face darkened. “’Inappropriately’. They nearly fucking raped me is what they did.” He put down his food, not feeling hungry any more.

“I know, but Adam, I didn’t feel you needed to deal with questions about that. If the media thought it was just a case of fans being overly amorous, they’d talk about it but the subject would be dropped in no time. I…I didn’t want you reliving this more than you need to.”

“You’re talking about counseling again.”

“Yes, I am.”

Adam dropped the blanket and carefully got up. He grabbed the edge of the bed for support and slowly walked around it, ending up at the window. He pulled the curtain aside and saw the press waiting for him in the parking lot.

“They’re starting early.” He turned to Kris. “How did they know I was here anyway?”

“I was afraid word would get out that you had been admitted so I asked Jackass to concoct a story about you – he came up with something about an inner ear problem.”

Adam made his way back to his bed, sitting on the edge by Kris. “It sounds like you’re the ones calling the shots instead of Jackass.” Kris bit his lip. “You are, aren’t you?”

Kris nodded. “When I learned what those…those…did to you, I vowed never to let you get hurt again if I could help it. I’m trying to protect you; I hope you aren’t mad. Maybe I presumed too much…”

Adam held out his hand to Kris, who clasped it tightly, allowing himself to be drawn into one of Adam’s famous bear hugs. Adam buried his face in Kris’ neck, his warm breath sending tingles down Kris’ back. Kris rubbed Adam’s back, careful of the bandages. His hands stroked bare skin, stopping as he reached the waistband of Adam’s briefs.

“I could never be angry at you Kristopher. Presume away. It’s nice to be taken care of.”

“I’ll do whatever I can but I can’t help you with everything. You need to talk someone.”

“I have you.”

“I’m talking professional help.”

Adam let go. So did Kris. They separated, awkwardness between them for the first time ever.

“I know you mean well but I think I’m okay now. It’s out in the open, I’m healing, I want to get on living.”

“But Adam…”

“Kris, I know what’s best for me.”

“It’s your decision.”

“Yes, it is.”

Kris didn’t agree. He feared Adam could emotionally relapse. All he could do was be there for him when he did.

Adam finished his breakfast as Dr. Keeling came in. She looked at the remnants of Kris’ take out order. “Can’t say I blame you.”

She checked Adam over and officially released him on one condition.

“You’ll need someone to help change that bandage and keep an eye out for further infections. Do you have someone in mind?”

“Kris/I’ll do it,” they responded in tandem.

“I figured as much.” She gifted them with a tender smile. “Take care of each other and call me if I can be of further assistance.”

“Thank you Dr. Keeling.”

“Yes, thank you. And thank Gloria for us too.”

“I will. Good bye.”

As she walked out, Kris thought of something he should ask her, something in private.

“Adam, I’ll be right back, stay put.”

“I’m half naked and stumbling like a drunken sailor; where in the hell do you think I could go.”

Quickly telling Goliath to keep an eye on Adam, Kris ran after Dr. Keeling, catching her before she entered the elevator.

“Dr. Keeling, wait, wait! I have a question.”

“Of course Kris, what is it.”

He told her about the message from the police and that they wanted Adam to come down and make a statement. 

“Do you think he’s strong enough to go today? I know it shouldn’t be held off.”

“He’s still a little weak but as long as he has you two,” she looked towards Goliath, “I don’t see the problem.” She peered into Kris’ eyes. “You’re not talking about his physical condition are you?”

“No, I’m not.”

“I’m not a therapist Kris; you know him better than I do. What does your gut tell you?”

“It tells me the sooner he starts taking control, the sooner he’ll get better.”

“There’s your answer. Ultimately it’s his decision. What does he think?”

“I haven’t told him.”

“No better time than now.”

“Right. Thanks again.”

Kris returned to Adam’s room. Adam had been walking around, getting his balance back.

“Can I go now?” he huffed, heading for the closet where his sweatpants and shirt were hung.

“Sure. I brought a change of clothes.”

“Clean clothes you mean.”

“Yup.”

Kris steadied Adam as he slipped on his black jeans and stepped into his snakeskin boots. He held up the grey shirt as Adam gingerly slipped his arms into the sleeves. He was a little clumsy with the buttons so Kris helped, there hands entwining several times.

Adam sat down, small beads of sweat at his temples.

“Can’t wait to get home.”

Kris brought a wheelchair around. “We have to make a detour first.”

“Where?”

“The police station.”

“What! Why?”

“They left a message for me at the front desk last night. They need the both of us to make a statement in order to press charges. We shouldn’t put it off. Are you with me?”

Adam ran his hand over his jaw, feeling the stubble, realizing Kris hadn’t brought any of his products with him. Now wasn’t the time to be vain, he chided himself, grow some balls and take care of business.

“Yeah, let’s get it over with.”


	11. Exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

The ride to the police station was subdued. Kris called Detective Travers, letting him know they were on their way and Adam dug through the bag of medical supplies he had been handed on the way out of his hospital room – gauze, medical tape, antiseptic, various bottles of medication and detailed care instructions.

“Any clue what I’m supposed to say?” Adam asked, dropping the bag onto the floor.

“I think you just tell your side of it and the courts take it from there.”

“Good, cause I don’t want to face them – even if I can’t remember what they look like.”

Kris wasn’t surprised to hear this. He had trouble himself remembering the hundreds of faces that passed before him every day. Unfortunately, Kris had only seen Trish and couldn’t identify the rest. Hopefully, their confessions would be enough for a conviction.

They arrived and the threesome headed slowly to the reception desk, Adam still unsteady. They were told to have a seat and Travers would be with them soon. Goliath scanned the room, always on the lookout for anyone who might harm his boys. Adam kept his eyes downcast, wrapping his arms around himself. Kris handed him a tissue and he wiped his brow. The infection was still slam dancing in his body and all he wanted to do was curl up with Kris and sleep.

Travers emerged from his office and led them towards several debriefing rooms. Another detective was there, taking Adam alone into one of them.

“Isn’t Kris coming?” Adam asked, worrying his bottom lip.

“No, we don’t want your statements to be unduly influenced by the other. It won’t take long,” Travers explained.

Adam looked at Kris who could only smile reassuringly and nod. Adam went with the other detective and Kris followed Travers into a second room. Goliath waited in the hall.

Kris and Travers took a seat and the detective opened up a file on the table, turning it around and pushing it towards Kris. He dropped a pen beside it.

“This is the statement you gave the day we arrested Miss Wagner. Read it over in case you have anything to correct or add. When you’re satisfied with it, please sign here and here.”

Kris read it over. He had Travers add a description of Adam’s injuries before he signed it, closed the file and pushed it back across the table.

“Can I go see Adam now?”

“Not till he’s given his statement. You can keep an eye on him if you want.”

Travers flipped a switch beside a mirror Kris hadn’t noticed when he came in, and like magic, the reflective surface transformed into a window. 

Adam’s latest drama played out like a silent film. Kris couldn’t hear what was being said but he could read Adam’s face and body language. Adam rested his head on one hand, the other tapping the table. His lips moved, he nodded, he shook his head, he winced as his neck hurt. Adam gestured towards a side table and was given a bottle of water and a box of tissue. He guzzled the water like a parched man and wiped his face, several times.

Travers frowned.

“He’s still running a fever.”

“Gotcha.”

“So, when we’re done here, that’s it. They’re convicted and put away.”

“Not necessarily.”

Kris turned to Travers. “What are you saying? You’ve got the evidence, our statements and their confessions - why wouldn’t they be convicted?”

“Mr. Allen, have a seat.”

Kris sat, looking over his shoulder towards Adam once more before giving Travers his undivided attention.

“What you said is true. We have your statement, Mr. Lambert’s, the statement of Mr. Lambert’s bodyguard, a grainy surveillance tape and their confessions.”

“So what’s stopping you?”

“The judge might grant leniency. None of them have previous records and there’s a good chance they might get off with a fine and/or community service and a warning to stay away from Mr. Lambert.”

“No!” Kris slammed his fists on the table. “They can’t get away with it!” He pushed his palms into his eyes, rubbing away tears. “Can’t Adam give a victim impact statement? If the judge hears what this has done to him – the anxiety attacks, the injuries – how it’s stripped him of his dignity, surely…”

“I’m sorry Mr. Allen. If it were up to me, I would lock them all up. I’m sick and tired of purps getting away with no more than a slap on the wrist but it’s not in my power. All we can do is build the best possible case and hope justice will prevail.”

Kris twisted in his chair, looking back through the window. Just then, another man entered Adam’s prison, carrying a camera. Jumping to his feet, Kris plastered himself to the window. The other detective said something, Adam’s eyes grew fearful as he looked at the new guy then shook his head emphatically. The detective said something else; Kris could tell he was getting pissed. Adam shook his head again, something more was said then Adam closed his eyes and nodded. He stood up and started undoing his shirt.

“What’s going on? Why are they making him undress?”

Travers placed a hand on Kris’ shoulder. “That’s Miller from forensics. We need pictures of Mr. Lambert’s injuries to include in the report.”

Kris turned on Travers. “You didn’t say anything about pictures! You have to stop this NOW!”

“You want as airtight a case as possible don’t you Mr. Allen?”

“Of course you know I do.”

“Then let us do our job.”

Kris turned back to the disturbing photo shoot. Adam was standing in front of the blank wall, his shirt off, exposing the healing scratches and fading bruises on his chest and arms, averting his face. Adam then turned around so they could take pictures of his back. The detective carefully released the tape from one side of the bandage and moved the gauze aside. The wound looked angry, the marks of the infection still very much evident. Miller took several shots of this, going in for a close up.

The bandage was reattached and Adam reached for his shirt. The detective mimed again. Adam peered over his shoulder and Kris read his lips - ‘whatever’. Adam undid his jeans and pulled them down on one side, along with his briefs, just as he had done for Kris a little more than 24 hours ago, revealing the huge bruise on his hip and upper thigh. Miller bent down and took several more pictures before leaving. Adam pulled up his pants, shaking as he did up the zipper and button, slipped on his shirt, and bolted for the door.

Kris rushed into the hall. Adam was standing beside Goliath as the gentle giant helped him with the buttons. Adam looked to Kris, his eyes heavy with pain. He started to sway and Kris hurried to his side, helping him to a nearby bench.

“Are we finished here? Adam really needs to rest.”

“Sure, but give me a minute; I have something for Mr. Lambert in my desk.”

Kris joined Adam on the bench. Goliath went to pull the car around and Adam rested his head on Kris’ shoulder. Kris took his hand and held on tight.

Travers came back with a clear bag. Adam recognized his jewelry – rings, bracelets, watch, broken necklace. Travers held it out to him but Adam left it hanging.

“I don’t want them.” 

Kris reached out and took the bag instead. Goliath came back and helped Adam to the car. Kris turned to Travers one last time.

“You’ll let us know the verdict?”

“Of course, though it may not be for a couple of days.”

“Whenever, just call me, not Adam, with the news – good or bad. If they get off, I want to be the one to tell him.”

“No problem. I wish him luck – both of you luck.”

 

\--*--

 

The car pulled in to an enclosed delivery dock, avoiding the press buzzing around the hotel’s front entrance. They took the staff elevator and walked silently to Adam’s room. 

The door was open and their friends waited inside for them – Jackass too. They promised not to stay long – they just wanted to see for themselves that Adam was okay and to personally offer their love and support. Adam managed to stay on his feet, smiling as they formed a line, giving him a hug – and the occasional kiss - before leaving. Jackass was at the end of the line.

“I, um, owe you a huge apology. I shouldn’t have been such asshole – even though I had a reason to be. I hope we can move past this and get on with things.”

Kris considered that a half ass apology but Adam seemed to accept it. They shook hands and Jackass headed for the door.

“By the way,” Jackass stopped, turning around, “take tomorrow off and if you feel up to it, you can come to the studio with us the next day. It won’t matter if you miss a couple of rehearsals – you know what you’re doing. Night.”

Adam sat on the bed, shocked. “Did I hear a compliment?”

“Yeah, and Satan just tweeted hell has frozen over.”

Kris emptied the bag from the hospital as Adam surveyed his room; he hardly recognized the place, it was so clean and tidy. He certainly didn’t recognize the roll away bed and luggage tucked in the corner.

He raised an eyebrow and smiled at Kris. “Are we having a sleepover?”

Kris blushed. “Sort of.”

“You missed being roomies didn’t you?”

“Well, you need someone to help you get better…”

“…and you missed me.”

“…and probably being alone is the last thing you need right now…”

“…and you missed me.”

“…and…I did miss you...a little. So, do you want something to eat – I could call room service – or do you just want to sleep.”

“You know what I really, really want Kristopher?”

Kris smirked. “Dare I ask?”

“A hot, steamy…shower. My hair and skin feel like shit and I stink of antiseptic.”

“I don’t know…” Kris consulted the information sheet from the hospital. “It says here not to let the wound get wet. How about a wash in the sink?”

“Better yet, you could give me a sponge bath.”

“Nice try Lambert.” He took Adam by the elbow and helped him to the bathroom. “I’ll help with your hair and back after you’ve taken care of the rest.” He closed the door, leaving Adam alone inside.

“You don’t know what you’re missing!” Adam called through the door, followed by carefree laughter.

“I do,” Kris whispered to himself, grabbing a cold bottle of booze from the mini fridge and gulping it back. “Believe me, I do.”

 

\--*--

 

Kris kicked back on the couch, channel surfing. He checked his watch; Adam had been in there quite a while. He knocked on the door.

“Adam, everything okay in there?”

“Yeah, fine.” He didn’t sound fine.

“Adam?”

Kris opened the door, peeking around it. Adam sat on the closed toilet seat, a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair full of shampoo foam.

“Adam.”

“Don’t scold me alright? I thought I could at least wash my own fucking hair in the sink but I got lightheaded.”

“Do you still feel dizzy?”

“No, now I feel stupid.”

“Come over here and shove your face in the sink.”

Adam obeyed, supporting himself on the counter. Kris filled a water glass from the tap and rinsed out the shampoo, running his fingers through Adam’s long, silky hair, being extra careful around his neck. It was a miracle Adam hadn’t soaked the bandage. Kris grabbed a dry towel and enfolded Adam’s head in a makeshift turban.

“You know, if music doesn’t work out for you, you could always get a job as a shampoo boy.”

“Sit down smartass and I’ll wash your back.”

All Adam’s fighting spirit faded away; he could fall asleep right were he sat. He closed his eyes, feeling the wash cloth run down his back, up his sides and over his shoulders. When Kris finished, he wrapped Adam in a warm towel and helped him to the bed.

“Can you get dressed yourself?”

“Yes dad.”

“Good, get to it.”

Kris headed for the bathroom. Adam pulled on a clean pair of pajama bottoms and sank back on the bed, sitting cross legged in the center. What a day, what a night, what a week! Oblivion, take me away!

Adam felt the mattress shift as Kris climbed up behind him. Wordlessly, Kris removed the bandage, wiped the wound clean, and re-dressed it. Finished, he found he couldn’t bring himself to get off the bed.

Kris followed the map of scratches on Adam’s back first with his eyes, then his fingers. It could have been so much worse. Adam’s muscles twitched beneath his touch. Kris gently started rubbing, working out the stress. Adam arched his back, relishing the sensation.

“Don’t stop Kris, that feels sooo gooood.”

The massage continued, Adam purring and Kris mesmerized as he worked Adam beneath his fingers. Adam leaned back as Kris’ hands moved to his shoulders, resting his body against Kris’ chest. Adam’s head lolled against the younger man’s shoulder, his neck offered up as an irresistible offering. 

Without hesitation, Kris’ mouth moved closer to the little pulse hypnotizing him beneath Adam’s skin. He buried his nose in Adam’s damp hair, his tongue tracing the shell of Adam’s perfect ear, his mouth settling into the curve where neck met shoulder, nipping and suckling.

Adam moaned. Kris’ hands circled him, stroking his chest and pulling him closer. Adam managed to turn in Kris’ embrace till they kneeled on the bed before each other, electricity flying. Kris took off his t-shirt. Adam’s hands reached out, drawing him in.  
Kris settled between Adam’s knees as their mouths met, a year’s worth of yearning and desire set free. Kris’ hands descended, cupping Adam’s….

“NO! STOP! DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Jerking away, Adam flung himself against the headboard, clutching at the comforter. Kris hadn’t missed the terror in his voice, the wild panic in his eyes.

“Kris, I’m, I’m sorry.”

“No Adam, I am. It, it was too soon. I, I wasn’t thinking.”

“Sure you were,” he managed to tease, “you, you just weren’t thinking with your brain is all.”

Kris waited until Adam calmed down.

“You better go to bed…alone this time.”

“Right, good idea. I am sorry.”

“I know. There’s no rush – I’m not going anywhere.”

Adam settled under the blankets, Kris propping the pillows behind him. It would be a few more days, Dr. Keeling had said, before Adam would be comfortable putting pressure on his neck. Taking his antibiotics, Adam closed his blue eyes and promptly fell asleep.

Kris kept one light on and muted the TV. He pulled out his cell and scrolled down to a new number he’d added that morning. He spoke softly. 

“Hi Dr. Keeling, it’s Kris Allen. When you get this message in the morning, can you call me back and recommend a good therapist?” He gazed sadly at Adam. “I think we might be needing their services sooner than later.”


	12. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Thankfully, it was a quiet night. Adam slept right through and Kris only stirred three times to check on him.

In the morning, Kris woke just before the alarm sounded. He shut it off and slipped into the bathroom, shaving and showering. He was nervous about leaving Adam for the day but he really did need to rehearse. Pre-Idol he had performed in small venues and while he’d gotten used to the larger crowds during the competition, they would be nothing compared to the numbers this tour would pull in. He was the closing act, as well as the lucky guy who had to follow directly after Adam. No one envied him that position. Despite the pressure, Kris really didn’t mind – he would follow Adam anywhere.

He padded barefoot into the room and dropped the towel before grabbing his clothes. A part of him hoped Adam would wake up and catch him au natural. Didn’t happen.

Goliath was already on duty outside the door. Kris asked him to wait inside as he ran downstairs. He wasn’t gone long and when he came back, Adam was still sleeping. Kris set down a breakfast plate and bottle of orange juice he snagged from the buffet and crouched beside Adam’s bed.

The back of Kris’ fingers softly stroked Adam’s cheek. The sleeping man’s eyes fluttered open and he yawned.

“What time is it?”

“Don’t worry about it; you have the day off, remember?”

Adam nodded. “Wish you could stay.”

“Show must go on – and all that shit.” Kris felt Adam’s forehead. “The fever’s breaking. I brought you up something to nibble on. Goliath’s staying with you; he’ll give you as much space as you want but he’ll always be nearby. Oh, and don’t forget you’re meds.”

“I’ll be a good boy, cross my heart.”

Kris caressed Adam’s cheek again, leaning in then stopping.

“It’s okay Kris, I won’t break.”

Smiling, Kris brushed his lips across Adam’s. He felt a hand in his hair, pulling him in, the kiss intensifying. Kris nibbled on Adam’s top lip. So sweet, he murmured in his mind, tugging and licking.

“Ahem,” Goliath not-so-subtly interrupted.

The boys reluctantly stopped. Kris rubbed Adam’s cheek once more and left.

The other Idols were waiting for Kris in the hallway. Matt took one look at Kris’ flushed face and tousled hair.

“About damn time.”

“I’m not late.”

“He wasn’t talking about that,” Megan clarified.

Kris blushed and Michael caught him in a friendly headlock as they headed out.

 

\--*--

 

During the lunch break, Kris checked in. Goliath answered the phone.

“How’s our boy?”

“Sleeping.”

“Still?”

“Well, he got up after you left, had a bite to eat and dressed.”

“Did he take his meds?”

“Yeah, and he did those stretching exercises, you know the ones on that sheet to stop his muscles from seizing.”

“Right, I forgot about those.”

“I also taught him how to play 5 Card Stud. Quick study, that kid; he beat the pants off me.”

Silence on the other end. 

“Not literally; God Kris, you’re almost as bad as he is.”

“I learned from the best.”

“Just to warn you, your little card shark asked me how to play strip poker – I think he’s lined up your entertainment for the night.”

“Well, I have something lined up for him,” Kris chuckled, patting the large box beside him.

Kris’ phone beeped.

“I have another call. Tell sleeping beauty I’ll be home in a few hours.”

“Will do.”

Kris switched over. It was Dr. Keeling. She had made inquiries and found a very good, very discreet therapist, Dr. Kyle Evans. She told Dr. Evans about Adam’s situation and he was very willing to take him on. His only stipulation was that Adam – not Kris - had to contact him. If Adam didn’t want it, all the therapy in the world wasn’t going to help.  
Kris jotted down the number then added it to his speed dial, making it number one.

 

\--*--

 

Later that afternoon, Kris walked into their room, lugging a heavy box. He found Adam fully dressed, pacing around.

“He’s going stir crazy,” Goliath offered.

“I’m going stir crazy,” Adam repeated. He saw the box. “What’s that?”

“Later. Do you feel up to joining everyone downstairs for supper?”

“Brother, do I.” He made a beeline for the door.

“Hold on there speedy, I need to change your bandage first.”

The redness was fading and Kris thought the welt looked smaller. He carefully washed the area, applied new antiseptic and a new bandage.

Kris tapped the gauze. “All better.”

Adam reached back, drawing Kris’ face around and they tenderly kissed. “Even better.”

Their security team had sequestered the media outside so the singers could move through the lobby unmolested. Cameras flashed and voices shouted questions at them. Adam kept his face turned away. Their group had a private dining room and what started out awkwardly soon became a rousing party like old times. Adam flinched a little bit as friendly hands touched him but he didn’t pull away; in fact, he started revisiting his former touchy feely ways. It was good to be back.

A few hours later, the boys returned to their room. Adam grabbed a deck of cards and bounced excitedly.

“I learned a new game today.”

“So I’ve heard.” Kris hefted the box onto the table. “However, I think this,” he lifted the cover, “would be more interesting.”

Adam dropped the cards and picked up a handful of papers. He scanned the words. “These are emails.”

“Hundreds of emails, actually, and a few telegrams and letters. I hear more are coming in.”

“Don’t get it.” He sat hard in the chair.

“They’re yours. They were sent to you.” His best friend still looked puzzled. Kris sat down and took his hand. “They’re get-well wishes and outpourings of love and support from your fans, your true fans.”

“I don’t understand. How did they…the press release.”

“Don’t let a few crazy morons ruin your dream Adam. You have thousands of fans who are giving you the world. Concentrate on them. Feel their support. Know they’re watching your back and would never hurt you.”

Adam’s shoulders started heaving as his hand came up to rest over his heart.

“Adam?”

He turned to Kris, his eyes watering, his smile bright. “I am going to be okay, aren’t I?”

“There was never any doubt in my mind. You just had to banish it from yours.”

 

\--*--

 

The remainder of the week flew by. Adam returned to the studio – he wasn’t quite up to strutting around but singing was no problem. Every day, flowers, gifts and more emails and letters arrived. Adam sent the emails, letters, notes and a few of the gifts to his mom’s house, promising himself to go through everything when the tour was over. The flowers and stuffed toys were sent to the hospital for the other patients. Adam picked out four particularly beautiful bouquets and had them redelivered, with a personal note from himself, to Dr. Keeling, Gloria, Goliath and Kris. 

Adam was nearly back to his old self. A couple of times he had mild nightmares. Kris was always there, as he had promised, wrapping his arms around him and holding him till the images faded. He had done a few one-on-one interviews – the media was warned only to talk about the upcoming tour, nothing else – and it went smoothly. Adam interacted with his fans, a few at a time, enjoying it more and more. 

He and Kris got closer too. They’d slept together – following the nightmares – but hadn’t ‘slept together’ yet. Adam’s heart fluttered with the knowledge that he was nearly ready to take that step. From the way Kris had been loving him lately, Adam was sure Kris was ready now.

Since Adam’s confidence was back, they all decided to leave the hotel after dinner and go out to a club. Kris bombarded Adam with questions and concerns, making sure he was prepared for the public onslaught. Adam assured him he was, that he had to start sometime.

Kris, Matt, Michael, Anoop, Danny and Scott waited in the lobby while Megan, Lil, Allison and Adam headed upstairs to fix their make up. The guys were debating who was prettier – Adam or Katy Perry – when Kris’ cell rang. It was Allison.

He never got a word out. 

“Kris, Kris, you have to get up here now!” He could hear the girls screaming in the background, male voices yelling and things crashing. “It’s Adam….don’t know what happened…we need you….Adam’s gone ballistic…he attacked Goliath…he’s trashing your room….HURRY!”


	13. Meltdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

The double doors opened on chaos. Outside their room, Goliath was leaning against the wall, hand on his head, Allison tending to him. Voices reached him like a sonic boom –

Lil: “Adam, baby, calm down, calm down.”

Adam: “GO AWAY! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!”

Megan: “Put that down…Adam, sweetie…please put that down!”

Adam: “GET OUT! DON’T COME NEAR ME!”

Crash.   
Screaming.

The boys bolted past Kris, sprinting to the room.

Male voice: “Adam, you have to stop this. Don’t make us use force.”

Kris recognized the voice; it belonged to another member of their security team. The staff elevator at the other end of the hall opened and the hotel manager emerged, followed by more security.

“What’s going on here?” The hotel manager was furious, his security surrounding the door. “I’m calling the police.”

“No! Don’t!” 

Kris snapped out of his haze and was in the thrall within seconds. “Please, don’t. Let me handle this.”

He gave his cell to Goliath.

“Call Dr. Keeling – tell her what’s happening – ask her to come now.”

Goliath still looked dazed but nodded.

“I’ll help him – you help Adam,” Allison pleaded, her face tear stained.

The rest of the boys had entered the room and the doorway was so crowded, Kris couldn’t get through or see over it.

Lil: “Everything’s going to be okay baby, we’re hear to help you.”

Adam: “NO, YOU WANT TO HURT ME! GO AWAY….please!”

Kris heard Adam’s voice crack, pleading like a child. He tried to push through but the wall of bodies might as well have been made of granite.

“Adam! Adam! I’m here, I’m here!” Kris yelled unnoticed. Everyone was yelling, trying different approaches to get through to Adam. 

Adam’s screaming reached a fevered pitch. “STAY AWAY! NNNOOOOOO!”

“What’s happening! ADAMMMMMM!!!!”

Using strength he never knew he possessed, Kris fought his way through, not caring if anyone got hurt in the process. The only thoughts racing in his head were ‘I must get to Adam! I must get to Adam!’

Finally, he burst through the other end and stopped dead. His heart jumped into his throat, choking him as he watched the action playing out before him.

Somehow, and for a reason unknown to Kris, two security guards had gotten hold of Adam. The room was nearly destroyed – much worse than when Adam had been hiding out. Each man had Adam by an arm, holding on with a vice grip. His arms pulled back, Adam was bent over, tugging, struggling, roaring, a proud lion in a hunter’s snare.  
The harder he fought them, the harder they held on. Adam’s face was down, his black hair a wild mess and dripping in sweat. 

“LET ME GO! I DON’T WANT THIS! DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Adam peered up through his bangs, spying Kris. Adam’s makeup was all over his red face, zombie like eyes seeing Kris but not seeing him.

“Kris, run, get away, get away, they’ll take you too….RUN, PLEASE, RUN!”

“Stop it, let him go!”

“We can’t. He’s going to hurt somebody or himself.”

“No! You’re hurting him, stop! Please!”

The struggles continued a few minutes more, than Adam’s legs gave out from under him and he sank like a brick onto the carpet. His captors eased his descent, letting go. Adam curled into himself, rocking back and forth, his forceful screams reduced to heartbreaking whimpers.

Kris fell to his knees before him. He placed a hand on Adam’s shoulder and Adam scurried away on all fours into the corner of the room, turning his face to the wall, back to the staring crowd, arms over his head. One hand scratched the wall.

“Go away,” he pleaded softly, “I gave you autographs, I gave you pictures … leave me alone….”

Kris turned to the crowd behind him. Every face was drenched in tears, some held on to each other. The fog slowly parted. He replayed Adam’s words in his mind - ‘leave me alone’, ‘don’t come near me’, ‘let me go’, ‘I don’t want this’, ‘don’t touch me’.

A flashback – Adam was trapped in a horrific flashback of the attack. Kris looked again at the crowd – men and women, male and female – just like the gang that surrounded him in that abandoned store. Adam was hallucinating, reliving that day.

Kris stood, placing himself between Adam and the well meaning group. Adam’s whimpering echoed in the now silent room.

“Everyone leave. If you really want to help Adam, leave us alone.”

“But Kris,” one of the security guys uttered, “are you sure? He’s been so violent. He might hurt you.”

Megan spoke up, speaking for their friends. “Adam would never hurt Kris. He’s lost, we can see that. Kris knows what he’s doing.”

Everyone filtered out, closing the door behind them. Kris turned to Adam. Like hell he knew what he was doing. If he knew what the fuck he was doing, he would have insisted Adam get professional help earlier instead of trying to be the supportive buddy and not pressure him. This episode was partially his fault.

Kris went to his knees once more but didn’t invade Adam’s space.

“Adam, they’re gone, it’s just you and me.”

Adam jerkily moved his head, unblinking eyes scanning the room and falling in the end on Kris.

“You okay, they hurt you too?” Adam whispered as if ‘they’ would hear him.

“I’m fine. Nobody hurt me. You’re fine too.”

Adam’s head shook violently, one word tripping over the other. “No, no, they hurt me … they want things from me … I said no, they laughed … didn’t listen … touched me … took from me … everywhere, they’re everywhere, never going away.”

Kris ventured closer. Adam seemed to accept his presence. “They ARE gone Adam, they can never hurt you again. Remember, we made sure of that?”

“NO!”

A worried head popped through the door. Kris turned and waved them away. The door closed.

Adam pointed at the door, his finger stabbing the air. “See, see, always here … everywhere … in the shadows … in my head, always in my head … out there in my world … sucking away my air … never going to stop, never going to stop … you tried, I tried, others tried … never going to happen ….”

Kris moved closer til he could reach his friend, his love. Slowly, Kris placed his hands on Adam’s shoulders, Adam flinched. 

“It’s okay baby, I’m the one touching you, only me. Come to me Adam, hold on tight.”

Adam withdrew out of his huddle and fell into Kris’ arms. His head on Kris’s chest, he was swallowed in love, in Kris’ strong, safe arms. Kris rested his cheek on Adam’s head, whispering calming words of love. Adam’s breathe ragged, he didn’t cry, didn’t speak, just disappeared into his own sorrow.

The door to their room opened once more and a man and woman entered. It was Dr. Keeling and Kris assumed the man was Dr. Evans. They ignored the mess around them and joined the couple entwined on the floor.

Dr. Keeling brushed Adam’s hair from his face. Adam didn’t notice someone else was there; he just hung on to Kris like a child clings to his mother.

“Good Lord Kris what happened?”

Kris recanted the event. “I’ve never heard of an anxiety attack like this,” he concluded.

“That’s because Adam isn’t suffering from anxiety attacks,” the man spoke up, his voice soothing.

“Kris, this is Dr. Evans.”

Kris gave him a tired smile. Adams started mumbling and Kris tightened his hold.

“I reviewed his file. It seems to me he’s suffering from PTSD – post traumatic stress disorder.”

“Isn’t that what soldier’s get when they come back from war?”

“Yes, some of them suffer from it, but so do those who have experienced traumatic events, such as a violent assault and sexual or physical abuse.”

“You can help him, can’t you?”

“Yes, Kris, we can.”

Dr. Keeling reached into her purse and pulled out a syringe and vial.

“What’s that for?” Kris’s voice was tinged with panic.

“It’s just a sedative to help him rest. He won’t last long, just long enough for his mind to calm down so we can all talk about this. Is that okay with you?”

“I guess…you’ve taken good care of him before.”

Adam didn’t feel her hands rolling up his sleeve or the pin prick of the needle. His eyes got heavy and the noise in his head faded away. A blanket of darkness covered him and he felt at peace.

Dr. Evan’s helped Kris carry Adam to the bed. Dr. Keeling checked Adam over as Dr. Evans drew Kris to the side.

“Do you have any idea what triggered the flashback?”

“No,” Kris replied, “but I sure as hell am going to find out.”

 

\--*--

 

Kris found Goliath in Allison’s room. He had a bloody cloth on the side of his head. Allison was insisting he needed stitches.

“Goliath, what happened?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I was waiting outside the room for him and heard the phone ring. I think he said you weren’t in and could he take a message. Then there was this crash and Adam was yelling ‘no, no, no, no, no….’ I knocked on his door, asked if everything was okay and he starts screaming at me to get away, to leave him alone.”

“How did you get hit?”

“I used my pass key. I went in, couldn’t see him. Something came crashing down on my head and the next thing I remember, the girls are dragging me out and all hell broke loose.”

“Was it his cell? The hotel phone?”

“The hotel phone.”

Kris picked up the hotel phone beside him and dialed the operator. He asked them to trace the last call to his room. Moments later, he got an answer he didn’t want – it had been the police.

When Kris called, Travers answered. He explained his associate had placed the call but obviously used the room number instead of Kris’ private number – they were both listed on the contact sheet. This associate didn’t realize Adam was the voice on the other end as he delivered the earth shattering news.

It went down just as Travers had warned. The judge was lenient and set them free with a warning. They each paid a fine and were told to stay away from Adam - that was that. They were walking the streets, probably celebrating their triumph, and Adam was left to deal.


	14. Dealing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next chapter may sound like they're wrapping the story up but they aren't. When I wrote this story initially, it was the original story ending at Chapter 15 and then the sequel starting here as Chapter 16. There's still plenty of story to go.

Adam heard voices talking quietly in the distance. One voice was familiar, the other was new – neither one was Kris. He heard words like ‘flashback’, ‘disorder’, ‘hospital’. Adam opened his eyes.

The man and woman talking were on the couch. They were caught up in their conversation, not noticing he had woken up. Adam took in the room. It was a mess, like a whirlwind had swept through. He searched for Kris, listened for Kris – he was gone.

His head felt like it was going to explode and his body ached, like he’d gone up against a quarterback and lost. Something wasn’t right. He was supposed to be a nightclub with his friends, laughing and drinking and dancing. Where were they? Where was Kris?

“What’s going on?”

His voice took the couple by surprise and they switched their attention to him.

“Dr. Keeling? What are you doing here?” Adam’s eyes ventured to the stranger. She saw his reaction.

“Adam, this is Dr. Evans. Kris called us. We’re both here to help you.”

“Help me? Why do I need help? Where’s Kris?” His heart began racing.

“Calm down son,” Dr. Evans said, his voice kind. “Kris just stepped out for a few minutes. He’ll be right back.” 

“Why did he call you?”

“Adam, I know you have lots of questions and you’ll get your answers. First though, how are you feeling right now?”

Adam sat up, pushing himself back to rest against the headboard. “I feel okay, I guess, but I’m sore and have a killer headache.”

“That’s understandable. How you feeling in here?” Dr. Evans asked, tapping his head.

“Aside from the headache?”

The doctors smiled.

“Yes, aside from the headache,” Dr. Keeling replied.

“I don’t know. What am I suppose to be feeling?”

“Do you remember anything that happened after you came back to your room?”

Adam had to think. His memory was fuzzy.

“I wanted to freshen up – hair, make-up, clothes, my usual stuff – and the…phone rang. I wasn’t going to pick it up, didn’t want to keep everyone waiting, but it kept ringing so I did. Oh man, who was it that called….um…it was…the police. Yeah, the guy asked for Kris, I asked if there was a message and he told me…”

“What did he tell you Adam?”

“He told me the judge let them go.” No, he couldn’t be remembering it right.

“Let who go?”

“Those…bitches… the ones who attacked me. They were given a fine and let go.”

A single tear ran down his cheek but he didn’t break. Maybe he’d reached his limit.

“How did that make you feel?”

“I, I couldn’t believe it…I still don’t believe it. How could they get away with this?”

Dr. Keeling sat on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know Adam, it’s not fair.”

“No it’s not.” He started to piece together what happened next. “I told myself this was never going to end, that I’d never be free and then,” he searched their eyes, “I felt like I was back…in that room…someone was trying to break the door down…I was surrounded by people yelling at me, reaching for me. And then Kris was there…I was terrified for him…he’s not hurt is he?”

“He’s fine, just worried about you.”

“He’s always worried about me lately. Dr. Keeling, Dr. Evans, what’s happening with me? Am I going crazy?”

“No son, you’re suffering from post-traumatic stress.”

“Post-traumatic… so I am going crazy.”

“What you’re experiencing is a normal person’s reaction to an abnormal situation. After loosing your sense of safety and trust, it’s normal to feel crazy, disconnected and numb. You haven’t dealt with the situation and so you’re still in psychological shock. You need to face your memories and deal with your emotions.”

“And so, what, that call…”

“…triggered a flashback, a very strong emotional flashback. Is this the first one?”

“Well, I’ve had nightmares but they were going away.” He recalled another minor flashback; he couldn’t look them in the face, embarrassed, chewing on his bottom lip and biting his nails. “Kris and I are getting…close…and he, he touched me…intimately…and I screamed at him and pulled away. I apologized immediately and he told me he understood. Does this mean that every time someone I…care for…wants to get … close…I’m not going to be able to without remembering?”

“For a short while, perhaps, but once you can separate the two situations, you’ll be able to give yourself freely…and enjoy it.”

Adam gave a nervous laugh as Kris returned.

“Hey, you’re awake. I brought you this - green tea - I know it relaxes you.”

Adam reached out his hand and Kris allowed himself to curl up next to his dear friend on the bed. Adam took the tea and thanked Kris with a sweet kiss.

“Adam!” Kris whispered, embarrassed. “Not in front of company.”

“Prude. I’m not hiding anything from my doctors…not anymore.”

The talking continued for nearly an hour, both Adam and Kris having their questions answered. Adam couldn’t believe what went down with him earlier. Kris apologized to Adam for thinking he could help him on his own even though he knew better. Dr. Evans told Adam they would start counseling sessions in the morning. Kris was asked to attend some of the sessions as he was the closest person to Adam at the moment and would need to learn how to help him cope – the right way.

 

\--*--

 

Adam had insisted on apologizing to everyone before he could rest. He was overwhelmed at their support – even the security team apologized in turn for their part and they seemed relieved when Adam expressed no ill-will towards them.

He felt really ashamed at what he had done to Goliath – Adam recalled smashing a lamp over the poor guy’s head, thinking Goliath was going to attack him. Goliath just hugged him and assured Adam he had been hit by worse – he was just glad Adam was going to be okay. Adam asked his bodyguard if he would be willing to stay on for the duration of the tour; he’d feel safer with someone who cared. Goliath said he’d be honored to stay on with them.

It had been a rough night for both of them. The boys stretched out on the bed and Adam   
soon drifted off. Kris slipped out from under Adam’s arm and pulled out his laptop. He googled PTSD.

He found a website that educated the public on symptoms, treatment and self-help. He read through the symptoms – Adam had experienced many of them. There was a section on finding a therapist. It said the therapist should make you feel comfortable and safe, respected and understood. Adam and Dr. Evans seemed to get along very well. Dr. Keeling told Kris on the way out she believed this doctor and patient were a good match. Kris had come to respect Dr. Keeling’s judgment.

Kris scrolled down and found info on treatments for PTSD. He saw a description of the therapy Dr. Evan’s planned on using. He read it to himself: ‘Cognitive-behavioral therapy for PTSD and trauma involves carefully and gradually “exposing” yourself to thoughts, feelings, and situations that remind you of the trauma. Therapy also involves identifying upsetting thoughts about the traumatic event–particularly thoughts that are distorted and irrational—and replacing them with more balanced picture.’

It sounded promising. It meant to Kris that Adam would learn to enjoy his future stardom by realizing those who hurt him are merely a speck of sand in the grand scheme of things and that the good brightly outshone – and outnumbered - the bad.

Recovery was going to be an ongoing issue and the memories of that terrible day wouldn’t completely go away. Adam would learn ways of helping himself cope when those feelings started to overwhelm him again. He would be taught it wasn’t a weakness to reach out to his loved ones for support, and to challenge feelings of helplessness. It would also be recommended to Adam to avoid alcohol and drugs as ways to escape his fears, making things worse in the long run. Kris wasn’t concerned about the drugs but Adam wasn’t going to like forgoing a shot or two when partying.

Kris picked up some tips for himself as well – be patient and understanding as Adam will need a sympathetic ear and may need to keep rehashing the event to process it; try to anticipate and prepare for PTSD triggers – if he (and their friends) know what could cause a reaction, they’d be better prepared to help; don’t take the symptoms personally such as emotional numbness, anger, withdrawal, distance, and irritability; and finally not to pressure Adam into talking about it when he doesn’t want to.

Kris bookmarked the site and emailed it to their closest friends. Working together, they’d get Adam through it.

“Kris?”

“I’m here.”

Kris logged off and crawled into bed beside Adam, drawing the blankets over them. Adam rested his head on Kris’ chest, arm draped over his waist. Kris wrapped an arm around Adam’s back and his other hand grasped Adam’s. 

Humming “We Are the Champions”, Kris closed his eyes and let sleep over take him.

Breathe in. 

Breathe out. 

Breathe in. 

Breathe out. 

Warmth. 

Comfort. 

Peace.


	15. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I mentioned prior to the previous chapter, this one will sound like it's wrapping the story up but it's still going. Up to this point, this had been one full story and the chapters that follow had been the sequel; I decided to post them together

Adam started therapy the next morning. Kris sat in the waiting room, thumbing through medical magazines and children’s storybooks. He stretched his legs, had a Dixie cup or two or three of water, checked his emails, sent text messages, anything and everything he could find to keep his mind occupied. The doctor’s office was quiet – that was good, no freaking out, just talk. Kris felt a tad jealous that Adam had someone else to confide in but as Martha Stewart said so many times, it was a good thing.

Dr. Keeling was right about Dr. Evans; he was discreet. Kris and Adam had entered through a private entrance and in the two hours they had been there, no other patients had come in, not even the receptionist. 

Kris started playing a solitaire version of tic-tac-toe – he lost three times to himself – when Adam and Dr. Evans emerged. Adam looked tired but he also looked good. He smiled and gave Kris a big hug.

“How did it go?”

“Good, good I think.” Adam turned to Dr. Evans for validation.

“Yes, quite good. But we still have a ways to go.” He checked his watch. “I have another appointment in West Hollywood. Can you two see yourselves out? The door will lock behind you.”

“Of course, thank you.”

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

Dr. Evans left and Adam hugged Kris again, holding on longer this time.

“Hope you weren’t too bored.”

“Nah, gives me time to think. Maybe if the music thing and shampoo boy thing don’t work out, I can become a therapist,” he laughed.

“You’d be awfully good at it,” Adam replied quite seriously.

Kris let go and looked at Adam, not quite sure how to respond.

“Do you, ah, want something to drink?” Kris pointed to the water cooler.

“I wouldn’t mind a double martini.”

“Adam…”

“I know, I know, he already covered that in the first half hour. Let’s get out of here and back to rehearsals. I want to wail.”

 

\--*--

 

The weeks leading up to the first show in Portland were a roller coaster. Adam was booked for two sessions a week with Dr. Evans but sometimes, triggers popped up that required additional talks. Dr. Evans always saw Adam as soon as he could or at least talked to him over the phone. To boot, Adam was starting preliminary work on his first album. He was going to be busy and he couldn’t wait.

Kris attended a few sessions on how to help his friend cope and the other Idols, security, crew and even management, asked for a group meeting so they too could learn how to identify triggers and help Adam.

While Adam practiced with controlled fan encounters arranged by PR, the tour was going to be the real test. Fans were going to be everywhere and they would be screaming and touching and some would make unreasonable requests. Dr. Evans spent a great deal of time helping Adam prepare. He couldn’t be on the tour with them – his patient load wouldn’t allow it – but he arranged for a few visits, especially when the show returned to Los Angeles, the scene of the crime.

The first concert was nerve-racking for everyone. Adam had well over an hour to wait before he went on. He got dressed, put on his makeup, ran over his songs in his head, checked his makeup again. Thank God Kris was with him the entire time. He stared lovingly at his jacket. This was the jacket he was having a fitting for when he was attacked. He brought it to one of his sessions and now instead of associating it with that encounter, he saw it as a labor of love by his dear friends at SkinGraft and he wore it as armor. It was fun and sexy and gave him confidence.

As his countdown started, the arena exploded with screaming fans. Kris gave Adam’s shoulder a squeeze – hard to do with the spikes and all – and sent him off. Kris wondered if this was what it felt like to see you six-year-old off to kindergarten. 

Once the music started, Adam easily fell into rock star mode and wowed the crowd with hit after hit – ‘Whole Lotta Love’, “Starlight’, ‘Mad World’, ‘Slow Ride’ with Allison and his Bowie medley. As the stage elevator went down and Adam thanked Portland, everyone beneath the stage broke into applause. Kris wasn’t there but he had his chance to congratulate Adam as they waited to make their grand entrance during ‘Don’t Stop Believing.”

“Adam, can you believe this? I knew it would be a rush but…”

“…it’s an energy that fills your soul and electrifies your spirit.”

Kris laughed. “You’re so eloquent Lambert; it was just going to say it was so cool!”

“WAY cool!”

Adam smiled at the goofy grin on Kris’ face.

“What?” Adam giggled.

“I’m so proud of you, so proud.”

They had a quick hug as the platform shifted and started going up. They got their mics in position and faced the crowd, faced their futures, side by side.

 

\--*--

 

The sixth show was in San Jose. Word had gotten out a group of religious fanatics were going to protest the show, protest Adam. Kris made a call to Dr. Evans, asking if he could come. He asked Kris if he’d talked to Adam about it. Kris admitted he hadn’t and Dr. Evans told him to talk to Adam first. If Adam felt he’d need the doctor than he would be there.

Kris was nervous to bring it up. To his relief, Allison actually broached the subject first. Adam’s response let Kris know he didn’t need to worry.

“Allie, I’ve dealt with haters many times. I know how to handle them.”

And he did handle them, beautifully. Michael tweeted about the protest, notifying the world that if they if you mess with one of them, you mess with all of them. They rallied around and the show, and Adam, were just fine.

 

\--*--

 

The Los Angeles show was special to all of them. This was where their Idol journey had kicked into high gear. This was the place were they meshed into a family. This was the place Adam called home.

This was also the place were Adam tasted the darker side of fame. This was also the place where Adam tasted the wonder of Kris Allen. He had worked long and hard to make this dream come true and while LA now took on a different feeling, Adam admitted it wasn’t all bad.

Drs. Evans and Keeling came to the show. They couldn’t say enough about everyone’s performances. They also couldn’t stop telling Adam how happy they were of him – and Kris too. Dr. Evans and Adam had an impromptu therapy session before the sound check, getting Adam’s mind to focus on his true fans as well as on his many lifelong friends who were coming to support him. 

Once more, Adam blew everyone away. The roof of the Staples Center nearly went into orbit as Adam gyrated and stroked and bellowed and crooned and danced his way through the set. The meet and greet and the barricades were incident-free. Kris looked for Trish in the crowd and didn’t see her. Granted, there were thousands of fans there and she very well might have been out there somewhere, no doubt with her accomplices, but they made themselves scarce.

Adam talked the entire way to San Diego and Kris listened. They finished their amateur session with a carton of ice cream and a discreet goodnight kiss.

 

\--*--

 

It was terrific to have a few days off between Glendale and the Dallas show. Adam was concluding an interview with the Dallas Voice and Kris waited for him. They asked Adam to describe his performance in five words.

Adam thought about it then stated – for the record – “High. Fierce. Beat. Horny.” – he smirked in Kris’ direction – “Fun.”

When the reporter left, Adam and Kris laughed. Kris caressed Adam’s back as they enjoyed a deep kiss. 

“Horny is it.”

“Horny as hell.”

They went up to their room and stretched out on the bed, touching and kissing and feeling. Whenever they could, they simply enjoyed being together but it never went beyond the petting stage. Adam still wasn’t ready and Kris respected that. However, it didn’t mean they couldn’t rehearse for the main event, date still to be confirmed.

The morning of the Dallas concert, everyone gathered for breakfast, passing around the pile of national newspapers.

“Adam, Adam, look at this!” Danny passed the Los Angeles Times down to him.

“What? What am I looking for?”

“Front page, bottom right hand side.”

Adam dropped his bagel, licked the cream cheese off his fingers, and snapped the paper, scanning for the report.

He read it to himself. His eyes grew bigger and bigger and his lips twitched, somewhere between a grimace and an all out grin.

“What’s it say?” Kris got up and stood behind Adam, hands on his shoulders. He found the article and almost immediately, his and Adam’s expressions were a matching pair, like Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

“Spit it out!” Annop yelled from the other end of the room.

Adam kept reading the report over and over to himself, not believing it. Kris filled everyone in.

“They got them. They finally got them.”

The room erupted in cheers. Without explanation, everyone knew who Kris was talking about. For over a month, they had all sent complaints to the police department and when that didn’t work, they got the public on their side. It was Adam’s decision to be open about what happened – everything that happened. He talked about his recovery, encouraging those who also felt they were suffering PTSD to seek help immediately. This worked up public opinion and more letters flooded the police and papers nationwide.

But public opinion and their vigilance wasn’t what caught them in the end. Trish Wagner and her gang tried it again, with another unsuspecting celebrity. Their fatal mistake was to harass a much more famous celeb with a much larger security detail and they were arrested as they set the same plan in motion. The judge – a different judge – didn’t look so kindly on them this time and they were sentenced to jail time. Because they weren’t charged with the same crime before, they could be given the max sentence.

Kris read the last paragraph of the report aloud.

“’Adam Lambert, American Idol runner up, was the first known victim of this group. His efforts and those of his colleagues and fans helped snare these individuals by making other celebrities aware of their existence. Lambert, who is performing with the American Idol Season 8 Live Tour, could not be reached for comment but we are sure that once he hears of the arrests he will feel vindicated.’”

Adam calmly folded up the paper, an unreadable expression on his face, and sent it back to Danny. He got up, walking away. Kris followed, catching his elbow. Adam turned, his eyes shining. He scooped Kris up in his arms and spun them around, hooting and hollering like he’d won the lottery. And he had.

 

\--*--

 

Little Rock was in Kris Allen country. Kris was prepared for a grand hometown boy welcome and he got one. It warmed his heart, especially how Adam was greeted with the same Southern Hospitality. Feeling rejuvenated, Kris decided to do something he had held off on for quite some time.

That night, after the other boys were asleep, Kris rapped on the side of Adam’s bunk. He knew Adam was awake; he could hear him moving around above him. Adam pulled back the curtain and seeing Kris, invited him up. They crammed into the cubby, sitting cross legged and facing each other.

“What’s up? Looking for a little lovin’?

“Always, but not now. I have something for you.”

Kris handed Adam a brown paper bag. Adam opened it up and peered in. He looked at Kris and then back into the bag. He emptied the contents onto the blanket. It was his jewelry, the rings and such that were stolen from him – minus the necklace.

“Now that they’re gone for a long time, I thought you might want these back, seeing as they were some of your favorites. If you don’t…”

“No, no, I’m glad you kept them.” He picked up a ring, rolling around in his fingers.

“If they remind you too much, we can toss them – for good.”

Adam put the ring down and returned everything to the bag.

“I, ah, I’m not…ready yet to wear them yet but I will hold on to them. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Adam tucked the bag in the corner of the bunk and smiled at Kris sheepishly. 

“You always seem to know what I want before I do.”

“Yes, I do.”

Kris leaned forward and nuzzled Adam’s neck. 

 

\--*--

 

They had a few days off again, this time in Tampa. They fit in a day at the beach between interviews and rehearsals. Adam would remember the Tampa leg of the tour, but not fondly.

It started when he noticed a girl showing up everywhere he was. In the distant past he might not have given it a second thought – fans were notorious for following their stars around – but something about her unsettled him. He was more sensitive now.

The entire day, she was there every time he turned around. He told Kris about her, pointing her out several times. Adam was getting agitated and Kris asked Adam if he wanted, needed to talk to Dr. Evans. Adam agreed.

Across opposite coasts, Dr. Evans counseled Adam. It seemed to help until that night at the concert. Adam was waiting to start his set and looking out, he saw her in the front row. She was wearing a wig and a t-shirt with his face on it crossed out. Adam dragged Kris to the curtain and pointed her out. Kris assured Adam she wouldn’t dare try anything here. Adam centered himself and went on with the show. When it was over, though, his security ushered him into a car and got him to the safety of their hotel. Kris and the others visited with fans than joined him.

They were spending the night in Tampa before driving to the next show. Someone let slip around Adam that the stalker was seen hanging out at the buses, armed. Kris and Adam were sharing a hotel room during these layovers and when Kris arrived from the arena, he entered their room to find the mini bar wide open and the carpet littered with empties. Adam was lounging on the bed in his Speedos and nothing else. He looked at Kris with hunger in his blurry eyes.

“Took you long enough.” 

Adam slinked up like a panther and crossed the room in two giant steps. Kris could smell the alcohol on him.

“You’ve been drinking. Adam, you know it’s not a good idea.”

“I know, I know it’s not a good idea – it’s a great idea.”

He clamped his hands to the side of Kris’s face and crushed a hungry, vodka laden kiss into his mouth. Kris grabbed Adam’s wrists and yanked his hands off him.

“No, not like this.” He had to remain in control, for both their sakes.

“Fine.” Adam headed for the door. “I can find someone else to make me forget.”

Though in his stupor, Adam stopped, realizing what he had said and how it sounded. He spun around and clearly saw the tears in Kris’ eyes.

“Oh shit, Krissy, I…I…didn’t mean it.” He roughly pulled Kris into his arms and hugged him, clumsy hands trying to be comforting.

Kris returned the embrace. “I know, baby, I know.”

“Then why you crying?”

“I’m crying for you.”

Adam let go and staggered backwards. “For me? Why the fuck you crying for me?”

“Because you can’t cry for yourself right now.”

He reached out to touch Adam’s cheek but Adam pulled away. He teetered into the bathroom and locked the door.

Kris pulled out his cell and called Dr. Evans. He updated him on the stalker and the drinking; Dr. Evans said he’d catch the next plane and meet them in Sunrise tomorrow.

Kris sat on the edge of the bed and waited for Adam to stop throwing up. It was going to be another long, painful night.

 

\--*--

 

Dr. Evans stayed for three days, heading back to LA when the tour reached Atlanta. A lot of therapy was crammed into those three days and it helped. The routine got back on track and so did Adam.

Adam cooled things with Kris for a few days until he was ready to talk. He apologized for putting Kris in that position and once they hashed it over, they fell back to their old, comfortable ways.

After Washington DC, Adam and Kris headed to New York City to perform on Good Morning America with David Cook. There wasn’t much time to chat but David congratulated Adam on how he handled the attack the LA and told him he was an inspiration

Adam didn’t know what triggered this, but something stirred inside him, deep inside, warm and needy. He felt his heart and soul renew. Adam gazed over at Kris in his ridiculously cute pink and blue plaid shirt, tuning his guitar. He smiled at himself; it finally felt right.

 

\--*--

 

After the summer concert series performance, they were whisked down to Atlantic City only to head back to New York the next day for a four day layover. After four concerts, opening the Stock Exchange and the Elle photo shoot, they had one night left in the Big Apple before hitting the road again.

The others went out partying and sightseeing. Kris was tired and stayed in. Adam had left with the others. He stood at the window, overlooking Central Park and the glistening Manhattan skyline. There was something peaceful about this mass of humanity laid out before him. 

Caught up in his musings, he didn’t hear the door click open or Adam enter. The image of Kris silhouetted by the city lights was stunning. Adam walked up behind him and set his hands on Kris’ shoulders, rubbing gently.

Kris spoke but didn’t turn around.

“I was hoping you’d come back.”

Adam’s hands traveled down the younger man’s arms and encircled him, pulling him against his chest. Adam mouth nuzzled Kris’ ear, trailing soft kisses down his neck.

“You are so beautiful Kris. I want…I’m ready…for more. I want all of you, tonight.”

Kris slowly turned in Adam’s arm. His eyes searched Adam’s face.

“Are you sure?”

Lips met and it was soft and sweet and tender and full of promise.

“With my whole heart.”

Kris led Adam to the bed and they slowly explored this new reality, this moment of utter bliss. 

As Adam lay on Kris, loving him, Kris threw back his head and in a burst of ecstasy, cried out.

“Oh God…Adam…I love you.”

Adam stopped, those words spinning in the air over their heads.

“Kris?”

Their eyes locked and Kris caressed Adam’s hair.

“I…love…you…Adam…Lambert.”

Adam’s face disappeared into Kris’ bare chest. He shoulders quaked as Kris rubbed his back, concern in his voice.

“I’m sorry…I just had to tell you.”

Adam looked up, his eyes glowing with a happiness Kris had never seen.

“I love you too Kris Allen.”

Curling up together, body to body, face to face, heart to heart, they held on and never let go again.


	16. Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

In New York City, Adam and Kris had finally given themselves to each other and declared their feelings. After making love for the first time, they held on to each other, vowing never to let go but in hindsight, that wasn’t practical. As much as they may have wanted to stay wrapped around each other in that hotel for the rest of their lives, it wasn’t going to happen. The next morning, the tour was moving on to Hamilton, Canada.

The tour would move on – without Kris and Adam, for a day at least. Kris had work to do on his album and Adam was supposed to stay behind in Long Island for a photo shoot, catching up with everyone later. They’d gone their separate ways before during the tour but this time was different. The last time Adam and Kris parted, it was as friends; this time it was as lovers and Adam’s dependency on Kris to be there to help him grew exponentially when he fully accepted Kris into his heart. 

Kris was getting dressed and Adam lay in the bed, the sheet flowing over his lower hips.

“I want to cancel my photo shoot.”

“What?” Kris was stunned. These photos were for Adam’s album.

“I want to come with you.”

Kris climbed back into bed and Adam clung to his waist.

“You don’t really mean that; you’re just afraid of not having me around for support. We’ve been separated before you know.”

“I know,” Adam sighed, holding tighter. “But last night was perfect and I don’t want to loose it, don’t want to delve back into reality and my messed up life.”

Kris placed his hand under Adam’s chin and lifted his face up. 

“Where’s this coming from?” 

Maybe it had been a mistake, letting themselves give in to their feelings so soon.

“I know I sound like a baby but I feel safe here, with you, safer than I’ve felt in months. I know they’re in jail now, on the other side of the country but every time I see my fans reaching out to me, my mind is insisting ‘you’ll be okay’ but the rest of me wants to recoil and hide.

“I love my fans Kris, honestly I do, but every day the slightest thing triggers something in my head and I’m so tired of having to fight it. At least when you’re nearby, I feel like I could handle anything thrown at me.”

“Have you felt like this all through the tour?” If so, this wasn’t good.

“To some extent, yeah. I’ve had good days and bad days. I’m still dreaming about it, just not waking up screaming my head off.”

Kris held Adam tighter. Damn Trish and her gang for damaging him!

“Maybe we should call Dr. Evans again.”

“What more can he do? He’s given me the tools to get through my day to day existence but it doesn’t make it any easier.”

Kris hated himself for doing this, especially after he’d admitted to Adam last night that he loved him and not just as a friend anymore. He got up off the bed and slipped into his shoes.

“Adam, you know how I feel, especially after last night, but you need to put yourself first, before us. I can’t be with you 24 hours a day, as much as it hurts to say that. I’ll always be by your side in everything you do, in spirit if not body. I think it’s a mistake not to do your photo shoot. You’ve proven on this tour that you’re a survivor and you can keep doing that. It doesn’t mean I love you any less.”

“You mean I should love you enough to let you go – for now,” Adam laughed a little at the end, realizing Kris was right. He got out of bed and slipped on his briefs before giving Kris a hug and sweet kiss. “You’re getting good at this tough love.”

“Wish I didn’t have to,” Kris sighed, kissing Adam back.

“Me too.”

 

\--*--

Adam and Kris sat close beside each other in the bus’ small kitchen area. They were on the road to Rochester NY. Adam was sipping tea for his sore pipes and showing Kris some proofs from his photo shoot.

“What do you think?” Adam asked, obviously nervous as he kept tapping his fingers against the side of the mug.

“Adam, they’re fabulous!”

Adam laughed. “Kristopher Allen, did you just use the word ‘fabulous’?”

“Call ‘em as I see ‘em Lambert.”

Kris liked the photos in the dark suit but especially the pics of Adam in the purple and dark green pants.

“I don’t suppose they let you keep any of these clothes.”

“Nope.”

“But you did ask, didn’t you?”

“Naturally.”

Kris stared at the photo with the pants covered in zippers. His eyebrow rose.

“Did those zippers open directly to you?” 

Adam rubbed Kris’ thigh beneath the table. They were alone and while the others knew they were getting closer, Adam and Kris wanted to keep how close between them.

“This one does,” Adam replied slowly, his eyes drifting to his crotch.

Kris looked around, making sure they were truly alone and unzipped Adam’s pants, taking him in his hand. Adam set down his mug and placed his heated hand over Kris’ in his lap, licking and chewing his bottom lip as Kris rubbed harder.

“You two still up?”

Adam was getting there.

Scott had slipped in, unnoticed. The boys didn’t’ think much anymore about Scott being blind – he was just one of them – but they couldn’t help being grateful he was the one to catch them.

“Just looking at Adam’s photo shoot proofs.”

“Looks fabulous I bet.”

Kris turned to Adam.

“See, I’m not the only one who uses that word!”

Through all this, distracted by Scott’s sudden appearance, Kris was still absentmindedly rubbing Adam, picking up speed. Adam pressed his hand down, trying to stop Kris before Adam made a noise even Scott couldn’t miss.

“Adam, you still here?” Scott asked innocently, digging in the mini fridge for water.

“Uh huh,” was all he could manage.

Finally, Kris clued in what he was doing and withdrew his hand, mouthing a silent apology to his lover.

“Well, I leave you both to your…photos.” Scott started towards to his bunk, and then stopped, looking back and smiling.

“You might want to zip up Adam’s fly before you head off to bed…just saying. Good night.”

 

\--*--

 

They had a day off in Boston and once the obligatory interviews and album work was done, Adam and Kris slipped away for some alone time. They found a quaint bistro on a quiet street and enjoyed a leisurely dinner. Afterwards, they went for a stroll along the harbor front. It was nearly 11pm and they should have been back at the hotel but the evening had been wonderful and it was ending too quickly.

When no one was around, they walked arm in arm, enjoying each other’s company. A young man approached them and they broke apart. Even in the dim overhead lighting, they could see he recognized them as he started digging in his messenger bag for paper and a pen.

“Hi, excuse me, I was wondering…” the fan cautiously asked, holding out the paper and pen to them.

“Sure, no problem.” Adam smiled and took the paper, signing his autograph and handing it over to Kris.

“I’ve been following the tour footage on Youtube. I thought you guys would never reach Boston. Can hardly wait til tomorrow. Got front row seats and everything!”

Someone on a bike zoomed past them, a little close for comfort, and the young man stepped out of the way quickly. He lost his balance and stretched his hand out to stop himself, unintentionally making intimate contact with Adam’s backside. 

Adam instinctively jumped back, pinning himself against the railing. His face must have said it all.

“Oh my god, Adam, I, I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry, I’m….” the young man stammered. 

Kris could tell by his reaction that he was aware of what Adam had gone through in LA and had meant no harm. A part of Adam’s brain must have told him the same thing. He plastered on a warm smile and told his fan it was okay, no harm done.

Relieved, the fan thanked them both and left. Kris watched him go and Adam turned away, clenching the hand rail overlooking the water.

“See, you can handle this…” Kris started to say until he turned to Adam and realized everything was not okay.

“Adam, you’re alright, stay with me.”

Adam had been holding on to the railing so hard his white knuckles were visible in the darkness. He stared out into the water, his mouth slack, his breathing short and staggered.

“Adam, you’re going to feel my hand on your back, okay, it’s just me.”

Kris slowly set his hand on his lover’s back and rubbed soothingly. He placed a hand over Adam’s tense grip and leaned in, talking calmly.

“You’re safe. We’re in Boston, not Los Angeles. It’s just you and me. It was an accident; he wasn’t trying to hurt you. Do you understand?”

Adam nodded quickly, his grip letting go enough to grasp Kris’ hand instead.

“Breathe, baby, breathe through the fear. You can do it.”

Gradually, Adam calmed down, but barely. As soon as he could let go of the railing, Kris wrapped an arm around Adam’s waist and led him back to the hotel.

When they got to their room, Adam locked himself in the bathroom for awhile. Kris was used to this. Lately, when Adam got overwhelmed, he retreated to the bathroom to get control of his feelings. He told Kris once that he didn’t like being seen that way, even by him.

Kris got changed and waited for him, watching the TV. Adam came out, stripped down to his briefs and tossed his clothes on the floor. He dug in his suitcase for a t-shirt and tugged it on. Kris had turned back the blankets and Adam slipped it. Adam didn’t say a word, just looked at Kris until his best friend returned his gaze. Adam patted the empty side of the bed and Kris turned off the TV and lights, joining him. Kris let Adam direct him, when he needed companionship or when he needed more. Tonight, it was companionship.

Lying there, together but not, they both stared at the ceiling, holding hands. At some point, Adam rolled over, resting his head on Kris’ chest. Kris was starting to fall asleep at that point but stirred.

“Adam?” he whispered.

Adam, arms and hand tucked into Kris’ side, shifted his head a little and softly offered, “I love you.”


	17. In the Details

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

“Hey,” Adam blurted out, excitement in his voice. “I’ve got the details on Details.” When they reached Chicago, Adam was scheduled for an interview and photo shoot with Details magazine.

The boys enjoyed a well deserved day off between the Philadelphia and Pittsburgh shows. As usual, the rest of the Idols had gone out exploring but with Kris and Adam having more demands on their time and actually having time off, they liked to relax.  
Adam was sitting on the floor, leaning up against the bed, checking his emails and messages. Kris was cross legged on the other bed, changing the strings on his guitar and tuning it.

“Sound interesting?”

“Let’s see…ummm…yeah, usual questions about the tour, my background…oh, they want to go on a walkabout with me then out to a restaurant for a further chat. Probably want me to run into some fans.”

“How do you feel about that?”

Adam thought about it a moment.

“Well, I think I’ll do okay. Goliath will be with me, and the magazine’s crew and the tour’s PR guys.” He looked at Kris and smiled. “If this is your way of asking if I expect you to be there…no, I don’t.”

Kris grinned and tightened the B string.

“What about the pics?”

“They…have…me…just a sec…oh….I’m posing with a model.”

“Okay.”

“A woman.”

“Okay.”

“A…naked…woman.”

A guitar string went TWANGGGGG. Adam stifled a laugh.

“You didn’t expect me to be posing with a naked man, did you baby? Details is a quote unquote man’s magazine. Man on man action isn’t exactly their thing – unless its sports.”

Kris rummaged through his guitar case, looking for a replacement string. He could feel his cheeks getting red and he mumbled under his breath.

Adam watched his boyfriend’s reaction and let the laugh flow out of him.

“My God, you’re jealous!”

“No I’m not.” Okay, maybe a little.

“Kris! You know full well I play for the home team. There’s nothing to worry about.”

Sure, sure, that’s you say now, Kris told Adam in his head. He remembered Adam saying on the 20/20 interview that if he had a drink or two, he wouldn’t mind making out with a woman. This was going to be a naked woman.

“We’re in a studio, full of people. It’s going to be totally professional, I swear.”

“Whatever.” He started winding up the new string, twisting so hard this one snapped too. “Damn!”

Setting aside his lap top, Adam got up and removed the guitar from Kris’ strangling grip before he snapped its wooden neck. It was kind of funny seeing Kris like this but it was also incredibly sweet. Adam sat beside him, resting a hand on Kris’ leg.

“No matter what or who they throw at me baby, you are the only person my heart belongs to. You are the man I love, the man who makes me tingle, the man who thrills me to my painted toenails. I’m yours alone.”

Kris felt so stupid. He reached out, curling his hand around Adam’s neck and slowly pulled him in for a kiss, at first tender and gentle; then Adam slipped his tongue along Kris’ teeth and love gave way to lust.

By the time they finished, the guitar case was upside down on floor, half buried in discarded clothes and the air vibrated with the sonic ripples of lovemaking.

Kris raised himself up on his elbows, looking over at Adam, asleep and smiling. Kris reached out, brushing sweaty hair out of his boyfriend’s eyes. Adam played for the home team alright and just hit a home run.

 

\--*--

 

The interview and photo shoot went well. It…was…different, that was for sure. He’d never posed with a naked woman before but Adam appreciated her beauty on a professional level and he wondered how Kris would react when the photos came out in the November issue. He was going to refrain from telling Kris he had become the model’s bra.

Adam was reluctant to go for the walk, telling the reporter the fans would “mob” and they did. But Goliath was nearby and it thankfully didn’t get out of hand. A large beefy guy in aviator shades gave him a big hug and Adam accepted it, extricating himself as diplomatically as he could. He looked towards Goliath who appeared to be ready to break the guy’s arm but he held back when Adam smiled at him, letting him know he was okay.

They arrived back at the hotel and Adam thanked Goliath for his help. Kris was in the room and saw the strange smile Goliath flashed when he saw Kris. He shrugged and left.

“What was that about?”

“I think the poor guy’s a little confused.”

Adam sat down on the bed, kicking off his shoes and laying down, stretching.

“You know he knows about us.”

“He’d have to blind not to, considering we don’t hide it from him.”

“I watched him at the studio as I was posing with her. I’ll admit I was getting into it.” Adam paused when he noticed jealousy lurking around Kris’ eyes again. “I had to make it look convincing you know.”

Kris’ lips made a straight line and he furrowed his brow.

“Don’t have to like it.”

“Not asking you too. Anyhow, he’s watching me, like, all over her, and I think he thinks I swing both ways.”

“He’s wrong.”

“Of course he’s wrong.” Adam yawned, stretching again. “Man, she … I mean the day … wore me out.” He smirked, making the Freudian slip on purpose.

Adam got just the reaction he was hoping for. Kris climbed up on the bed, straddling Adam’s hips. Adam reached up to touch him but Kris grabbed his wrists and pushed them down on the mattress, on either side of his lover’s head.

“Don’t touch me,” Kris whispered, a sexy mix of anger and lust. Kris sniffed Adam’s neck. “You smell like her.”

“I’d much rather smell of you.”

Kris had never taken on a truly dominate role in their lovemaking but he wanted to mark his territory, prove to the world and himself that Adam Lambert was his and his alone. He didn’t know what came over him as he grinded himself over Adam’s hips. Adam didn’t seem to mind so Kris pressed on.

He licked Adam’s jaw, his mouth moving close to Adam’s but not quite making it, making his lover groan. He let go of Adam’s wrists and moved his hands over Adam’s chest, teasing his nipples beneath the fabric.

Kris got a little rough and Adam took it. He had Adam’s shirt off and was restraining him again, making Adam take what he was dishing out. Noises escaped from Adam’s yearning mouth. Kris’s hands massaged Adam’s neck, circling it and grabbing his black hair. 

“Ow, Kris, stop.”

Kris didn’t hear him; it was only when his hand grazed over the raised scar on the back of Adam’s neck that Adam’s protest registered. He recalled vividly how that scar had happened. Oh my God, what am I doing to him!

He jumped off, running his hands through his hair.

“OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod…” he chanted, pacing, afraid to look at Adam.

Adam sat up, confused.

“Kris?”

“Oh my God, Adam, I, I’m so sorry, I, I, didn’t meant to…”

“Mean to what?”

Adam got up, taking hold of Kris’ arm and stopping him before he wore a hole in the floor. Kris faced him but couldn’t look him in the eyes.

“I didn’t mean, oh Adam, you know I’d never hurt you.”

Then Adam clued in. He hugged Kris, holding him tight.

“Baby, baby, calm down. You didn’t hurt me, really. My hair got caught in your ring and it pulled, that’s all.”

Kris looked at his ring, a few strands of black hair caught between the ring and his skin.

“So, I didn’t hurt you.”

“Well it hurt, but you didn’t HURT me.”

Kris returned the hug.

“I’m sorry I acted like a jealous asshole.”

“I like assholes.”

“Yeah, I know.”

 

\--*--

 

September rolled in, complete with a flu bug. It started with one guy on the bus and before they knew it, they had all come down with it. Gone was the chatting and laughter, replaced by coughing and sneezing. The girls didn’t come near them, and the guys quarantined themselves on the bus or to their hotel rooms. Adam had made it through the tour with a sore throat and although he passed on some meet and greets – doctor’s orders – he hadn’t missed a show. Unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said for Kris. The day of the Bridgeport Connecticut show, his doctor strongly suggested he not perform. So Kris didn’t – the first Idol on the Season Eight Live tour to miss a show.

The day of the show, Adam was heading off to the rehearsals.

“Hey, wait up.”

Kris caught up to him, coughing.

“Baby, where do you think you’re going?”

“To the show.”

“Wrong answer; you’re going to bed.”

“Right answer; I’m going with you. Even if I can’t sing, I’m not staying behind. Now move your ass before I cough on you and make you worse.”

Kris took it easy, resting in the green room when he could. Adam was going to be closing the show and handling Kris’ vocals during “Don’t Stop Believing”. Kris was going to go out during the intermission and tell the fans he wouldn’t be singing. He knew they’d understand but he knew they’d be disappointed – he certainly was.

The show went on; all in all pretty good considering the guys were coughing up lungs backstage. Intermission and Kris came out. He told the crowd he was under the weather and would not be performing. He was met with sadness and he thought a little anger. He told them the show had been great so far and the second half would be incredible, then he introduced Allison before leaving the stage.

Adam waited for him in the wings. He opened his arms and Kris fell into them.

“I feel like shit.”

“Maybe you should go back to the bus and sleep.”

“No, it’s not the bug, its letting my fans down.”

“Ah baby, you have to take care of yourself first. Haven’t you been telling me that for months?”

“No fair using it against me.”

Adam kissed his forehead, frowning.

“You do feel awfully warm. Seriously Kris, go lie down.”

“I’m waiting til the closing number then I’ll go.”

Adam gave up trying. He at least managed to get Kris to sit down and have some tea.

Adam did his set, and then hurried backstage to change jackets before getting in place on the lift for the closing number. He came up and sang both parts but didn’t own Kris’ solo, instead staying to the original staging, not infringing on Kris’ space. Even when he sang, he sang straight like Kris would, not trying to make his baby’s words his own. Adam thanked the crowd and tossed out a message to Kris, telling everyone they hope Kris gets better soon and that they love him. The crowd agreed and Kris smiled. Adam always knew how to bring a smile to his face.

Two days later, Kris was back on stage and the shows continued. Manchester and the final show looming ahead.

 

\--*--

 

The Syracuse concert was great; it was what was going on behind the scenes that shook Adam up, shook everyone up.

Michael and Matt had been active Twitters since the tour started, keeping in touch with the fans, tweeting during the show. It was because of this outreach that a group of true fans helped avert a possibly dangerous situation.

Michael received a tweet that there was a deranged fan in the crowd making extremely disgusting comments about what she wanted to do to Adam. He looked up the twitter link he was sent and read them himself, feeling sick. This fan was also making threats against Allison as she and Adam were close friends. One twitter follower told him they had contacted the Syracuse Police Department and asked Michael to notify security backstage. He did just that and Allison was put under heavier guard. She wanted to go out to the barricades and did, but was whisked back in quickly when they were tweeted that the fan was at the barricades, angry and waiting for her.

Allison was shaken up but took it well considering. Adam wanted to stay with her on the girls’ bus but she assured him she was okay with her guards, her mom and Lil and Megan.

Adam went back to the guys’ bus and straight to his bunk. Kris gave him some time alone and relaxed in the lounge with the others. They talked about what happened, thankful they had such devoted fans. It was easy enough to figure out what was going in Adam’s head and they knew Kris would take care of him.

About an hour later, Kris pulled back the curtain on Adam’s bunk to check on him. Adam was lying on his side, hugging his pillow. He looked at Kris; his eyes were dry but brimming over with sadness, defeat.

“She’s alright you know.”

Adam nodded. 

“I know but it’s still scary as hell.”

Kris had heard after the fact about the tweets regarding Adam. He wondered if Adam had been told. He desperately wanted to ask but didn’t want to upset him if, miracle of miracles, he was blissfully unaware.

“Apparently, she tweeted about me too.”

Kris looked down, shuffling his feet.

“You knew, didn’t you?” Adam asked, his voice weary.

“I just heard. I didn’t want to upset you.”

“No one will give me details. It must have been disgusting.” Adam’s voice thickened. “It’s never going to stop, is it?”

Kris leaned against the bunks, crossing his arms against the edge of Adam’s cubby and resting his chin on his hands.

“I don’t know what to tell you Adam. I think its always going to be out there, and not just for you. We have to stay on our toes and watch out for ourselves and each other.”

“That’s not what I wanted to hear. I want you to tell me that all the nutjobs are going to be sucked into a black vortex and everything will be peace and light for eternity.”

“Beautiful sentiment but unrealistic.”

Adam moved closer to Kris’s face til they could feel each other’s breath.

“What happened to Mr. Optimistic? You’re supposed to tell me there’s nothing to worry about,” he declared, his tone serious.

“If I gave you that impression, I’m sorry.”

With that, Kris straightened up and left, disappearing into the kitchen. Surprised, Adam jumped out of his bunk and followed.

“What the hell’s the matter with you?”

Kris stared at Adam for a while. Why was he doing this? Why was he pushing Adam away? He looked out the window and caught the WELCOME TO MANCHESTER sign as the bus flew by. Now he knew why.

“You have to start relying on yourself more. Before you know it, I won’t be around as much.”

“Are you dumping me?”

Adam’s eyes grew wide and glassy. He wiped them with his fingers, refusing to give in to tears yet again. Kris wanted to jump up and hug and kiss him but he couldn’t.

“We’re in New Hampshire.”

“So?”

“Manchester. This is the last show of the tour. After tomorrow night, its over and we all move on.”

Adam leaned against the counter.

“I thought we were moving on together,” he uttered softly, looking at his feet.

“I want to, with all my heart. But we both have other commitments; we are going to be spending more time apart. I love you Adam, I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you and its killing me not to be with you. I think … I think we need to prepare ourselves. Tomorrow night, after the show, we’re heading in different directions.”

“We’ll both be in Dearborn.”

“I know. It could be our last night in each others arms for some time. That is, if you want to be with me. I just need to know you’ll be okay without me. I don’t worry well.”

The bus sped on, closer and closer to the end. Adam didn’t now what to tell Kris. He didn’t know how he was going to continue without him. Adam knew that wasn’t a healthy attitude. Without offering empty assurances, Adam left Kris and headed back to his bunk. He looked at his watch, quickly calculating the time in LA. It was still a little late to call but he’d been told he could call any time.

The phone rang and Adam almost hung up when his call was answered. A sleepy voice addressed him.

“Dr. Evans here.”

“Sorry to wake you. It’s Adam Lambert. I need to talk.”

 

\--*--

 

The last day of the tour was going to be busy from the moment the sun rose to the moment the last bus pulled away after midnight. There were, of course, interviews to do and rehearsals but they all had family and friends coming and arrangements had to be made and they needed to say good bye to each other. 

Kris had managed to get most of his lengthy good byes done early so he could enjoy the after party and not worry about getting too drunk to say what he wanted to say. The only person Kris hadn’t been able to talk with was Adam. They still had Dearborn to say a proper good bye but he needed to see him, to try and explain. Trouble was, he didn’t know how to explain it to himself, let alone Adam.

The concert was emotional. Adam sang better than he had the entire touring, Kris likewise, despite Anoop, Matt and Michael coming out during “Ain’t No Sunshine” and teasing him with boas and long stem roses. During the finale, their family and friends surprised them on stage by covering them in silly string. They didn’t want to leave, hanging around as long as they could before the stage crew told them to go. Adam threw his jewelry to the lingering crowd. Kris had gotten his hands on Adam’s favorite jacket and wore it during the song. He acted like he was going to toss it into the crowd and after Adam recovered from a slight heart attack, he laughed. That was a good sign.

Midnight was looming and they gathered at the buses behind the stadium. It was hard to be heard over the rumbling engines but they managed. In the end, it came down to Kris and Adam. They were taking separate buses.

“Adam,” Kris yelled over the motors. “I wanted to say…”

“No Kris, don’t” Adam yelled back. “Not here, not now. In Dearborn. I’ll see you in two days in Dearborn.” Adam hugged him and hurried off to his bus.

Kris watched the door hiss shut. This was what he wanted right? He wanted Adam to be able to handle his life on his own; he didn’t want to be his pocket crutch. So why, now that Adam was following his advice, did Kris wish he’d just kept him mouth shut?

 

\--*--

 

The two days apart dragged on, at least for Kris. He was busy but time seemed to be going backward, not forward. Finally, he was on that plane to Detroit and to Adam. They had texted a couple of times but hadn’t talked. They were booked into the same hotel but Adam was arriving earlier and they were meeting at the Ford function.

Adam looked wonderful – black pants, black shirt, black leather jacket, his hair down, brushed to one side over his forehead. Kris just wore grey jeans and a black shirt. Oddly, they matched and they weren’t trying to.

They sang their songs, did a fun Q&A, reminiscing about their time on Idol and then they met fans and signed autographs – not much time to chat. Kris tried to get Adam alone with no luck. Finally, when the event was over, he saw Adam across the room and made a bee line for him when he was interrupted. Someone had sent him a dozen red roses. He thanked the assistant for delivering them then turned back towards Adam but he was gone.

“Read the note.”

Kris didn’t hear him, searching for Adam.

“Kris, read the note.”

“Yeah, sure,” he responded, still distracted.

Not finding Adam anywhere, he set down the flowers and opened the card. There was a three digit number on the front of the card. He flipped it open and read it.

TONIGHT, WE ARE SAYING GOOD BYE. COME TO MY ROOM AT 7PM AND HELP ME START A NEW HELLO. ALL MY LOVE, ADAM.

The number must have been his hotel room. Kris tapped the edge of the card against his lips, a slow smile starting on one side of his mouth and slowly traveling to the other side until he was grinning like a goof. He looked at his watch – 5:30. He had to hurry back to his own room and get ready.

 

\--*--

 

Kris stood outside Adam’s door, a bottle of Chianti in hand. He’d put on a black suit and white shirt, no tie, and a necklace Adam had bought him in Dallas. He raised his hand to knock but kept chickening out. He was nervous.

“Are you going to stand there all night like you’re hailing a cab or are you going to knock?” came playfully from inside the room.

“Oh, right.”

Kris knocked and the door opened. Adam was in snug black pants and wearing a soft brown sweater that draped over his shoulders and chest. He wore no make up and his hair was soft, hanging playfully over his eyes. Adam looked so boyish, so fucking handsome.

“I brought something to drink,” Kris offered, presenting the bottle of red.

“Chianti, my favorite! Come in, come in.”

The lights were low, sensual mood music floated on the air and Kris was lead by Adam to a table set for two by the window, candles flickering and a wonderful dinner waiting for them.

Watching the September sun set, they enjoyed their meal, drank the wine and talked about this and that, skirting the issue of being separated within hours. When dinner was over and starlight replaced the sun, they held each other, dancing and touching. Adam gently cupped Kris’ ass, holding him close. Kris ran his hands under the back of Adam’s shirt, strong muscles and soft skin shifting beneath his fingertips.

Kris sighed, his head on Adam’s chest.

“I want to stay like this, with you, forever.”

“So do I baby, so do I.”

They danced some more, touched some more, caressed some more.

“We can make this work, can’t we? We’ll still see each other, talk on the phone, the webcam” Adam suggested, placing a lingering kiss on Kris’ head.

“Of course. I’ll be in LA quite a bit. If we both are traveling and we’re close to each other, we can arrange a little getaway.”

“Kris, when we first met, I crushed on you but never expected that you’d be the one to fill that void in my life, in my heart. I never would have gotten through this, this attack and its aftermath without you being there to encourage and comfort me. I’m going to live my life and make you proud, make us both proud. Just promise you’ll always answer when I call. I may still need assurance from time to time.”

“Anytime, anything, I’m yours, always yours.”

Kris lifted his face, gazing at his beautiful boy. Adam tipped his head down and kissed Kris’ forehead, working his way slowly down his nose to his lips. Their lips gently touched, little touches, lingering touches.

Adam slipped Kris’ jacket off his shoulders onto the floor and started undoing his shirt buttons. Soon, it too was on the ground. They broke apart long enough for Adam to pull off his sweater.

Kris trailed kisses over Adam’s shoulders, collarbone and down the middle of his chest. He teased each nipple, making them bloom. Adam’s fingers were buried in his baby’s hair, breathing quickly as sensation after sensation exploded on his skin. Kris’ hands worked their way to the back of Adam’s pants, slipping beneath the waistband.

“Oh baby, you make me feel so good. Make love to me. I want to feel you deep inside,” Adam requested, lifting Kris’s head up and they kissed again, still tender, still sweet.

Kris had never been a top before; Adam was. He was nervous but thrilled Adam trusted him with his body. Taking loving control, Kris undid Adam’s pants and let them slid down his toned legs. Adam returned the favor then Kris led them to the bed. 

Adam stretched out and Kris settled between his legs. He started at Adam’s forehead and his lips traced every line, suckled every freckle on his way down to his lover’s groin. Their fingers were intertwined, squeezing as Kris tantalized and stimulated his boy, smiling at the kittenish purring Adam was doing. Many times, during their lovemaking, they had both screamed and swore passionately but this time it was different. The only words they needed were each other’s names.

Kris tugged off Adam’s briefs and took him in his mouth. Adam craned his neck, panting. His head slowly tossed from side to side, little moans escaping his lonely lips as his baby brought him up.

“Kris….K-Kris…mmmmm…..oh, oh, mmmmmm….K-K-K-Kris….”

Adam’s back arched and he came inside Kris. Kris took him in, loving everything that was Adam. When the orgasms passed, Kris crawled up his lover’s sweaty body and he rested for a few minutes on top of him. They caught their breath then Kris retrieved the lube and condoms.

“Roll over Adam. I want to fill you with love.”

Kris got up and Adam rolled over, pushing the pillow aside. He shifted his legs, giving Kris a pleasant view and easier access. Kris covered his fingers and started rubbing slowly. Adam bit down on his knuckle, groaning and sucking in great gasps of air as Kris pushed in, preparing him. Putting on the condom, Kris hovered over his boy, pushing in slowly.

“Ah, ah…mmmm…Kris…Kris….ah, ah, AAAHHHH!”

Once he was deep within, Kris started moving. He began slowly, getting used to the tightness then started pumping faster.

“Adam….A-dam….ugh, ugh….mmmmmmmmmm….ugh.”

“K-K-Kris….yeah…..more…..ah, ah, ah…..more.”

Adam came first, his passionate cries echoing off the walls. Kris came soon after, his body rumbling as wave after wave hit him. It was incredible.

Kris withdrew and moved up beside Adam, facing him. They both had tears running down their cheeks, tears of happiness. Kris lovingly wiped Adam’s cheek and Adam took his hand, pressing a warm kiss into his palm.

“We’re almost out of time,” Adam whispered, afraid if he said it too loud, it would run out faster.

Kris nodded, not knowing what to say.

“You will be in LA soon right?”

“Yeah, in a week. Can I come over and play?”

“You better. I have a new home with three bedrooms to break in.”

“What about the other rooms?”

“Future visits.”

Reluctantly, Kris turned over, looking at the clock. They had an hour.

“Can we hold each other, just be until the alarm goes off?”

Adam opened his arms, drawing Kris is. They held each other, saying nothing, sharing little caresses.

The alarm went off too soon. Kris got up and dressed, heading back to his room for his things. Before he left, he and Adam shared one last kiss, a promise to be together again soon.

“I love you Adam.”

“I love you too baby.”

As Kris packed his things, he thought about Adam. He’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. The worst is behind us.

I can’t think of anything that could go wrong.


	18. Breaking Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare

They kept in touch over the next month, talking and/or texting at least once every few days. They had thought the Idol tour was hectic but it was nothing compared to launching a career and debut album in a few months. 

They had recording seasons, personal appearances, interviews, performances, photo shoots, production meetings, etc, etc, etc. They sent each other studio recordings of their songs, asking for feedback and suggestions. They made good use of their web cams, hoping hackers wouldn’t intercept their private conversations - among other things. They had gotten together but only had time to christen one bedroom in Adam’s home.

Fate seemed on their side around the end of October when they were both going to be in Florida. Adam would be in Boca Raton to perform at a Halloween fundraiser and the next day Kris was performing at a football tailgate party in Miami. Adam would head to Miami and he and Kris would get together after the game.

Adam booked a room at a nearby hotel and waited anxiously for Kris to call. He paced and tried to find out if the game was over but he had no clue how to find that out – he couldn’t even remember what sport it was. All he thought about was being in the same room, the same space with Kris.

He had been on his own before but now, he knew what it was like to be surrounded by people nearly 24 hours at a time and to suddenly be alone left him lost. Adam would lie in bed and find himself reaching out for Kris, only to find cold empty sheets. He had Goliath with him at all times – in fact he was outside Adam’s room as he waited – but he still got weirded out when the fans invaded his personal space. He didn’t flip out anymore but he couldn’t wait to get away and calm himself down. He’d find a private place and do the deep breathing exercises Dr. Evan’s taught him till the anxiety faded. 

The phone buzzed and Adam checked his message – ON MY WAY. K.

Adam nearly skipped into the bathroom, checked his appearance then grabbed his coat, heading for the door. Hand on the doorknob, he stopped, remembering something he had to do first. He logged onto his computer, emailed a file, and then ran out.

“Come on G., baby’s back.”

\--*--

Kris got off the elevator and found Adam and Goliath standing outside his hotel room. Adam looked beautiful, as usual. Kris looked and smelled like he’d played football instead of just watching it. Kris had hoped he would get here first so he could shower and change. Oh, well, Adam knew he was in love with a jock, well, arm chair jock.

Adam smelled him coming before he saw him. Kris’ green jersey was wet with who knew what and his face was sweaty, his hair all over the place. He must have had a great time and couldn’t look more adorable.

They stood in front of each other, smiling ridiculously.

“Hi,” Adam started, reaching out to take Kris’ hand.

“Hi,” Kris replied, squeezing Adam’s fingers.

Goliath stood by, hands in his pockets, rocking on his heels, smiling. Adam and Kris both looked at him and flashed their most charming smiles.

“Bye,” the said together.

“Oh, right, I’ll…just be going. See you in the morning. If you need me…”

“Thanks buddy but I have him covered,” Kris commented.

“Right, okay, then I’ll go.” He started to walk away then turned, grinning. “Have fun.”

Once the elevator closed and Goliath was gone, they returned their attention to each other.

Adam pouted. “I hoped you’d have me uncovered.”

Kris pulled him close.

“I’ll have you covered, uncovered, clothed, naked, anyway I can.”

They hurried inside and the kissing began before the door clicked shut.

“God, I missed you,” Adam mumbled into Kris’s mouth.

Kris gave Adam’s lips a workout then pulled back.

“I really need to shower first.”

“Why?” Adam asked, cupping Kris’s ass.

“I’m all sweaty and dirty.”

“You’re just going to get sweaty and dirty again.”

Adam nibbled on his baby’s ear, his hands squeezing and kneading.

“You’re…right…ah…need to conserve w-w-ater any-way.” Kris grabbed Adam and dragged him willingly to the bed.

 

\--*--

 

They both showered after their hot and heavy reunion and then again after enjoying an encore.

Adam stretched his bare toes as he relaxed on the bed, wrapped snuggly in the cozy white bathrobe the hotel provided. Kris, in a matching robe, was setting up the wine and munchies that had arrived as Adam hid in the bathroom. They didn’t want any gossip starting.

Kris handed him a glass of red Chianti and rolled over the room service table. They had worked up quite an appetite. Kris popped some fruit in his mouth and settled down beside his boyfriend, sipping his wine.

“We should stay apart more often,” Kris suggested, opening the bottom of Adam’s robe and rubbing his thigh.

“It was fucking fantastic but I don’t like being apart so much.”

They chatted about how their appearances had gone. Adam complained a little about the puncture marks on his inner bottom lip from his costume’s fangs but he’d loved the look anyway. Kris shared the buzz he got playing his own music for a change. The subject of music reminded Adam of the email he sent.

“Hey, you have your lap top here?”

“Of course. Why?”

“Get it baby. There’s a surprise for you on it – from me.”

“Adam?” Kris smirked, his one eyebrow raising.

Adam shoved his shoulder playfully.

“Not that you freak. Go get it will ya.”

Kris retrieved his computer and returned to his spot beside Adam. He raised his knees, balancing the screen and Adam stretched an arm around his shoulders. Kris opened his emails and found the message and attachment. The subject line read: Don’t open until we’re together. A.

Kris looked at Adam.

“Go ahead baby, give it a listen.”

Kris opened the email and the attachment. 

“’Broken Open’ by Greg Wells, Adam Lambert and E. Kidd Bogart.” Kris read. He turned up the volume and pressed play.

Piano notes, static, piano notes, reverb, pulsing, static, words, unearthly.

‘Broken pieces, break into me / So imperfectly what you should be’

‘I don’t want you to go / Don’t wanna see you back out in the cold / Air you’re breathing out fades you to grey / Don’t run away, find me’

Kris was transfixed. Adam’s voice was so ethereal, the words so tender.

’I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you wanna be / It doesn’t matter, go on and shatter / I’m all you need / Broken pieces, break into me / So imperfectly what you should be / Lay here, it’s safe here, I’ll let you be broken open / Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open’

Kris leaned into Adam’s side, his head resting on Adam’s shoulder. This song. This beautiful, heartfelt song was them. Adam was singing about them.

’Let’s enlighten the night / We can fall away, slip out of sight / When you drop your guard / Melt into time, so intertwined, quiet’

’I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you wanna be / It doesn’t matter, go on and shatter / I’m all you need / Broken pieces, break into me / So imperfectly what you should be / Lay here, it’s safe here, I’ll let you be broken open / Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open’

Kris closed his eyes, his heart and mind floating in space, wrapped in the silken tones of Adam’s voice. He felt his lover’s head rest upon his and a droplet, a tear, rained on his nose, flowing down his cheek, joining his own.

’Broken pieces, break into me / So imperfectly what you should be / Lay here, it’s safe here, I’ll let you be broken open / Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open’

’Lay here, it’s safe here, I’ll let you be broken open / Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open’

The music faded away. Kris and Adam didn’t move. Adam had co-written the song, provided the inspiration, and recorded it over and over until it was flawless but at this moment, he considered it perfect. He had broken open his heart and soul to Kris and had been healed and loved in return. Adam had never poured so much of himself into a song before and if he were ever lucky enough to do so again, Kris would undoubtedly be his inspiration.

Floating behind a curtain of darkness, Adam’s voice filled Kris’ mind. The emotion, the sentiment, the love he heard nearly shattered him. Kris had started out being a friend, helping Adam through the worst nightmare he had ever experienced. Kris had offered a shoulder and his heart followed suit. The words were so true. Together, they could be themselves, they could hide away and be open, knowing the trust was there. It was a secret to the rest of the world, just a beautiful song, but to him, it was their life.

“What do you think?” Adam asked tentatively, a little worried Kris hadn’t said anything yet.

Kris set aside his computer, turned around and sat on his knees. His eyes were bright, his smile soft as he cupped Adam’s cheek and kissed him softly.

“I think I’ve fallen in love with you all over again.”

 

\--*--

 

Adam had to be peeled off the ceiling when he was told he was going to perform at the American Music Awards. Even more cool was that he was announcing the nominees with Paula and Snoop Dogg. Life was surreal.

The album was nearly completed and they had to narrow down the tracks to 13 and pick the photo cover art.

“Are you sure this is the picture you want? What about this one?” the art director asked.

“No, this is it. It’s campy and kitchy and over the top. Kind of David Bowie meets Duran Duran – it’s exactly what I’m going for.”

They still were a little leery but it was HIS album and they had given him a lot of creative control. So out it came, the glittery alien floating in space with blue feathery hair and an androgynous face. When the cover was released, it generated a lot of opinions. Adam liked that; he liked opinions. People were talking and then when snippets of his songs were leaked, he was getting a lot of great reviews. “Time for Miracles” was being released, he’d made his first solo video for it, he was going to be at the premiere of “This Is It”. He was in love and his baby loved him.

Adam’s belief in himself was nearly brimming over. Since the attack in June, he had felt scared and nervous to be himself, believing in the back of his mind that if he hadn’t been over the top, hadn’t encouraged over the top behaviors, those maniacs wouldn’t have thought they could get away with cornering and assaulting him. He was feeling more like himself every day and embracing his sexuality again was the next step. He was a sexual person and he’d dampened that, afraid of expressing himself artistically for fear of someone else going too far.

When it came time to pick the first single, he wanted something fun, catchy, and danceable. The song they were looking at was very sexual in its lyrics and the way Adam sang it was too. “For Your Entertainment” was released and people seemed to like it. He debuted the single on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show then went straight into a production meeting to plan the video.

“Hey baby, I miss you.”

“Me too. Heard you song on Seacrest – fantastic. How’d the meeting go?”

“Great. Kris, they listened to me, they really listened to my ideas and they’re USING them. I can’t believe it.”

“And why wouldn’t they use them. You’re brilliant.”

“You’re biased,” he laughed. 

“You bet. What’s the poop?”

“We’re going for a 1930s Berlin nightclub scene, lots of sexy dancing and clothes and lighting. Can you come for the shoot?”

Adam gave him the tentative date and Kris checked his schedule.

“Oh baby, I can’t. But I want you to tweet me during it if you have a chance and definitely call me after. I want every detail. What’s next after that?”

“We audition dancers. I’ve already put together the band. They’re terrific.”

“Is Monte on board?”

“First one I contacted and he left Madonna for me!”

“He respects loyalty. You told him years ago if you made it big, you wanted him along for the ride and you kept your word. How about the others?”

“I’m working with Lisa Harriton, she’s doing keyboards and vocals.”

“I bet her voice blends beautifully with yours.”

“I think so. I can’t do my own background vocals at live performances. Then there’s Longineu Parsons on drums. His hair’s been nearly as many colors as mine! And then there’s Tommy.”

“Tommy?”

“Tommy Joe Ratliff. He plays bass and keyboards and he’s a really great guy. Small and cute like my little Pocket Idol.”

Adam heard a snort on the other end of the line

“And straight – straight as an arrow.”

“I thought I was straight until I met you,” Kris commented, that little bit of jealousy rearing its head again. Adam smiled.

“No worries baby, you’re my one and only. I’d never cheat on you, you know that.”

“I know, you’re a lady.”

They chatted for a while longer then Kris had to go. Saying goodbye was always hard but they were getting better at it.

“Remember, I want to hear every detail of the video shoot. Love you.”

“Love you. I promise, I’ll tell you everything.”

 

\--*--

 

Adam looked around. The old ballroom at the Alexandria Hotel had been transformed into a Berlin nightclub and it was full of props, lights, cameras, crew and dancers dressed in S&M gear. This was daring and he couldn’t wait to get started. He had on a long leather coat, his hair spiked to the heavens and a gold cane tucked under his arm. Later in the video, he’s have on a ¾ sleeve shirt with spikes on one shoulder, chains and elbow length gloves. For a guy who loved high fashion, he was in heaven.

The first half of the shoot went by quickly and they got a lot of great footage. The director had Adam sit in on the screening, asked him what he liked, what he didn’t like. They were breaking for lunch and then they were doing a scene where he walks through a forest of palms surrounded by dancers.

He called Kris but got his voicemail.

“Hey baby, everything is going great. Nearly half done. Will call soon, promise. Love you. Bye.”

They were set up for the next shot. Adam was walking through a forest of ferns, singing of course, and dancers on either side were going to reach out to him.

The first shot didn’t take – technical problem. They reset and did it again.

Adam walked down the alley of ferns and hands reached out for him, out of the dark. His heart beat increased, pounding in his ears. He was lip synching but he was having trouble catching his breath and went out of sync.

“Cut. Adam, you didn’t match. Let’s do it again.”

They reset. Adam sat down, closing his eyes, willing his heart to slow down. His hands were shaking as he got up, taking his place.

“Action.”

Adam walked down the alley of ferns, hands reached out of the darkness, touching his face, his chest, his body. His muscles tensed but he soldiered on, not wanting to ruin another shot. The sound of his voice filled the set but in his head he heard voices laughing, telling him in explicit terms what they wanted, he felt the button on his jeans come undone but he wasn’t wearing jeans and no one was trying to remove his clothes.

“Cut. Print that.”

Adam excused himself as they set up for the next shot. He found an empty bathroom and locked the door. His knees were shaky and he wanted to slide down the wall to the floor but didn’t want to explain marks on his clothes. He leaned against the door, closed his eyes and took a deep breathe in through his nose. He held it for three seconds then slowly exhaled through his mouth. Adam did this over and over, feeling his heart beat return to normal.

A knock startled him.

“Adam, they’re ready.”

“Thanks Monte, I’ll be right there.”

He flushed the toilet, turned the water on and off, activated the hand dryer, waited until it stopped, then unlocked the door. Sure enough, Monte was waiting for him. A little theatrical but he didn’t want questions about what he was doing.

The last shots were of him and the band on stage, singing. He could do that. Adam had done it hundreds of times. And the hands couldn’t reach him there.

\--*--

Adam got home around midnight. They had had a wrap party and Adam enjoyed himself, loosing his uneasiness in a few martinis. Dr. Evans wouldn’t approve but Adam had needed something, since Kris wasn’t there. He wished Kris had been there. He had told his new band that he had some anxiety issues but didn’t give them anymore details then necessary. Monte knew it all, having been a friend of Adam’s for years, but he wouldn’t out Adam to the others unless Adam wanted him to.

The house was dark. Adam unlocked the door and hurried in, locking it behind him. He set the alarm. He turned on the hall light and ran into every room, turning on every light. He checked the alarm. Adam searched each room thoroughly, every closet; he shut all the blinds and curtains and sat at his kitchen table, looking around wide eyed. The phone rang and he jumped. It was Kris.

“Finally! I’ve been leaving messages all night.”

“Sorry baby, I was at the wrap party and it was noisy and…”

“Hey lover, don’t sweat it. Just anxious. Tell me everything.”

Adam told him all about the video shoot, leaving out a few minor details, like his anxiety attack and mini flashback.

“I can’t wait to see it.”

“Me neither. I’ll send you an advanced copy when I get it.”

“Adam, are you okay? You sound a little funny.”

Adam had been pacing as they talked. He was checking all the doors, the alarm, all the windows, peering through the curtains into his back yard, side yards, front yard. He even managed with one hand to soundlessly drag a heavy table across the front door, barring it.

“No, no, I’m just tired, it’s been a long day.”

“Sure, I understand. Adam, you do know you can talk to me, about any thing.”

“I know baby, I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.”

“Alright, can we talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah, good night Kris.”

“Night Adam. I love you.”

The phone hung up. Kris leaned back in his bed. Adam sounded fine but Kris has a nagging suspicion something was up. Adam would tell him if he was having issues, wouldn’t he? Of course he would. Kris was his security blanket. Adam knew he had his back. Still feeling paranoid, he called Monte, hoping he was still awake. He was. They had met only once but Monte had given Kris his number and asked for Kris’ in return in case they need to contact each other about Adam. Monte confirmed what Adam had said, everything had been fine.

“Adam didn’t seem off? Nervous, fidgety, shaky, panicky?”

“Nope. I didn’t notice any of that.”

“Thanks Monte. You will call me if anything does happen, right?”

“Kris, don’t worry. I’ve known him a long time; he couldn’t hide anything from me if he tried.”

You wanna bet, Kris thought to himself.

They said bye, hung up and Kris settled into bed but didn’t sleep, phone still in hand.

\--*--

Adam had quickly showered and changed. He checked everything again. Adam finally settled into his bed, sitting up with every sheet and blanket he owned covering him. He hugged his pillow to his chest and rested his chin against it. Adam held his phone in his hands, a picture of Kris on the tiny screen. He stared at his boyfriend when his eyes weren’t darting around the room. The house was silent so he could hear any noise out of the ordinary.

Adam rocked back and forth, chanting to himself.

“I will be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me. I will be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me. I will be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me.” His eyes started watering and his voice grew weak. “I will be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me. I will be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me. I will be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me. I … I will be al-al-right…”


	19. "Can you handle what I'm 'bout to do ...."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The infamous AMA performance

A few weeks passed and Adam didn’t have any more episodes. He figured that having hands coming at him from all directions, out of the dark, probably triggered his anxiety attack after the video shoot. He was now sitting in a production meeting regarding his AMA performance and they were talking concepts.

The producers wanted something similar to his video but bigger, more spectacular. Adam threw caution to the wind and told them every wild idea he had from scaffolding to dancers in S&M wear and some interesting things he wanted to do with them. The network was all for it. Viewership had been on a steady decline for the awards show and they wanted something spectacular for a closing number, something that would get people talking and they felt Adam could deliver that. They wholeheartedly went with any suggestion he had and Adam was over the moon.

This is what he needed. He would portray a character in total control. He would dictate what happened to him and how far it went. No more being a victim. After this performance and the release of his debut CD the next day, nothing would get in his way.

 

\--*--

 

Kris slipped into the theater as Adam’s rehearsal started. He was going to present at the awards and he managed to come back to LA a few days beforehand so he and Adam could spend some time together. He didn’t tell his boyfriend he was coming - he wanted it to be surprise.

Kris noticed it was a closed rehearsal and he only managed to sneak in because Goliath vouched for him with security. A few media outlets were allowed five minutes in the theater before being ushered out - just enough imagery to whet their appetites and arouse interest.

After the rehearsal was over, Kris slipped backstage and found his Adam happy and joking with the dancers. This was what he wanted to see. He wanted Adam to be carefree and enjoying life again. Kris thought about sneaking up behind him and catching him off guard but that probably wasn’t the best idea. Instead, he cleared his throat and asked for an autograph in his best fangirl voice.

Adam turned around and he beamed when he saw Kris. He gave him a bro hug, patting his back, like they had done many times on Idol but he really wanted to sweep Kris up in his arms and kiss him from head to toe. Wouldn’t that make great headlines – Idol finalists making out in public.

“Hey man, great to see you,” Adam said loudly but quickly after that, in a soft whisper, he added, for Kris’ ears only, “Baby, I missed you.”

“Great to see you too Adam,” Kris replied, taking Adam’s lead. He added softly, “I can’t wait to get you alone.”

Adam stepped back, keeping an arm around Kris’ shoulders.

“Come meet the band. Kris, this is Lisa, Longineu and Tommy. You already know Monte.”

Monte extended a hand. 

“Nice to see you again.”

The others came forward and they continued the introductions. Adam mentioned they were going out for a bite and would Kris like to join them. He said he’d love to.

At the restaurant, they got a circular booth and Adam worked it so he and Kris sat together. The conversations flowed effortlessly as did the under-the-table pawing of thighs and crotches between Kris and Adam. They disguised any sexual reactions with coughs, laughs and cleared throats. Monte gave them the eye from time to time. He knew Adam well and it looked like he had a new special friend. That was fine by him – he liked Kris and thought the pintsized wonder was just what his long time friend needed.

Dinner ended and the band parted ways in the parking lot. Once they were alone, Adam turned to Kris and innocently asked, “So, where are you staying tonight?”

“I was hoping a friend could put me up a few days.”

“Oh, I can get you up, no problem.”

“I said put me up.”

“That too.”

They restrained themselves on the drive to Adam’s home, as he parked the car, as they walked up the pathway, as Adam unlocked the door, as they walked in, as Adam shut and locked the door - and then game on!

Kris leapt into Adam’s arms, wrapping his legs around his waist and crushing their mouths together. Adam grabbed Kris’ ass and held him up as he maneuvered both of them into his bedroom, bumping against walls and door jams as Kris’ tongue went to work between Adam’s lips.

They tumbled onto the bed but didn’t break apart. Somehow clothes came off without letting go of each other and the house filled with the sounds of a long overdue reunion.

 

\--*--

 

Kris stretched like a cat coming out of a long nap. He tossed the sheet off his chest and rolled onto his side, gazing upon the face of his lover, asleep and so stunning. His dark lashes lay against his pale skin, his full lips parted slightly, hair tousled playfully. Kris traced butterfly touches with his finger across Adam’s shoulders and down his chest to his stomach. He was tempted to wake the sleeping giant but he needed something to eat first.

Rummaging through the fridge, Kris pulled out a cold slice of pizza and a bottle of juice. He headed back to the bedroom, stopping in the doorway and watching his boy sleep. Adam stirred, legs stretching and kicking a little then his contented face tensed up and he groaned a little, hands clasping at the sheets.

“No … mmm … no … stop.” 

He wasn’t screaming but he still sounded scared.

Kris set down his food and drink and took a step closer. This must one of those times Adam told him about months back, that he sometimes dreamed of the attack but didn’t wake up screaming. Kris was torn. He didn’t know whether to intervene or not, as his touch could make things worse. 

In the end, he crawled back in bed, close to Adam but not touching him. Adam’s head tossed back and forth, more subdued pleas escaping his lips then his hand made contact with Kris’ stomach. Adam rolled over towards the warm body and draped over him. He let out sigh and the fidgeting and the muttering stopped.

Some time later, Adam awoke, Kris in his arms. Adam nuzzled his baby’s neck, nipping and kissing him. Kris ran his hand through Adam’s hair.

“Hope you had sweet dreams,” Kris casually said, hoping Adam might open out about his obvious nightmare.

“Mmmmm, no dreams tonight,” Adam replied, his mouth now on Kris’ earlobe.

“No?” 

Maybe he didn’t remember.

“Who needs fantasies when I have you here?”

Adam’s mouth reached Kris’ and their tongues explored. Adam pulled back and raised an eyebrow, his voice confused.

“Why do you taste like spicy sausage?”

 

\--*--

 

After the AMA performance, Adam and his band were jetting off to New York for a series of TV appearances and radio interviews. Adam was trying to get dressed but Kris wasn’t helping any, undoing everything Adam did up.

“Baby, I have to go. I’m already running late. Aren’t you supposed to be there early?”

Kris was behind Adam, his hands resting on Adam’s stomach.

“I’m only presenting.” He kissed Adam’s back. “I still have time.”

Adam laughed, gently extricating himself from his boyfriend. 

“Well, I don’t. Kris, I really need to get going. How do I look?”

Wearing a simple black suit, thin black tie and white shirt, minimal makeup and hair up he was…

“Dashing.”

“Like old Hollywood dashing?”

“Yeah, and like dashing out the door cause your driver’s been honking for you for the last minute.”

“Oh shit!”

Adam quickly yet thoroughly kissed him and ran out.

“Lock up for me?”

“Yes, go, go. Good luck! See you after!”

 

\--*--

 

Adam sat beside his parents during the show. He had missed Janet Jackson’s opening number – had to make the obligatory stops on the red carpet – and then he settled in to enjoy as much of the show as he could until he had to go backstage and get ready.

Every performer was bringing on their A game. It was a wild night of sexual escapades and as each musical number ended, Adam’s adrenaline level got a little higher. He grinned from ear to ear when Kris came out to present, trying to look like a supportive friend, not a lovesick school boy. Lady Gaga, one of his favorites, was up next and then he had to head backstage. She tore up the stage and his competitiveness and her inspiration topped up his adrenaline tank to nearly overflowing. He wasn’t going to be bad-assed by her! He was going to show them all how the new kid on the block does it. ABC wanted a show stopping finale from him and he was going to deliver. Adam couldn’t have been happier.

 

\--*--

 

Kris couldn’t sit still in his seat. Ryan Seacrest had presented the last award and was now introducing Adam. There he was, in a shiny grey suit, black shirt, green tie and silver spikes on his shoulder. Adam was alone on the stage, singing his lyrics and holding the word ‘entertain’ for an eternity. Then the walls opened and he entered party central.

The audience rose to their feet as he began and Kris’ body tingled. He had watched the rehearsal but it was better now. Maybe the energy from the crowd enhanced it, feed it. Adam led two male dancers on leashes and strutted over to one and – 

“Did he just do that?” Kris asked himself aloud.

No one answered thankfully. He looked around. A few faces were a little shocked but most of them didn’t seem to register that Adam Lambert had just grinded a male dancer’s face into his crotch.

Adam continued. His vocals seemed a little off but there was so much activity, so much choreography going on that Kris wasn’t too surprised. Adam headed up a flight of stairs, strutted across a catwalk, grabbed a cane passed to him and then went flying forward. Kris’ hands flew up to his mouth – oh my God, he’s falling – but like the professional Adam was, he somehow turned it into a roll and got back up on his feet seamlessly and soldiered on, not missing a beat, not missing a word. How the hell did he do that?

Still going, Adam climbed another set of stairs to the level where the band was.

“’Can you handle what I’m bout to do’,” Adam sang and then grabbing Tommy by the neck, he kissed him hard.

Kris froze. It wasn’t that Adam was kissing Tommy that bothered him; it was that Adam had just kissed a man on national television in front of millions of people and Kris knew it wasn’t going to go over well – people who complained were usually a vocal bunch and when it was mixed with prejudice…. Kris refused to go there.

Adam finished his song and the show ended. Kris thinks Seacrest made some asinine comment about Adam designing the costumes but Kris was out of his seat and trying to get backstage. He found Adam and Tommy laughing hard; obviously, it didn’t bother Tommy. 

Turning around and spotting Kris, Adam’s face turned worried. Kris smiled, silently assuring him he wasn’t angry. Before they could talk, a swarm of reporters descended on Adam, thrusting their mics and recorders in his face. Kris saw the all too familiar sense of growing panic in Adam’s eyes and quickly got a stage manager to corral the reporters and make it more orderly. Adam’s face calmed and he took questions, one at a time.

From every corner of the globe, they came, all asking the same questions. Why did he do it? Was it rehearsed? Are you thinking about the viewers, the children? Are you going to apologize?

For over half an hour, Adam calmly repeated the same answers. The adrenaline kicked in. No, it was spontaneous. I’m used to tuning in to the audience in front of me, I wasn’t thinking about the children watching. I don’t think I did anything wrong. 

He didn’t get what the big deal was. This is rock ‘n’ roll people, he thought to himself. Did you watch the show? I wasn’t the only one pushing the envelope! Maybe it was because he was new to the scene. Maybe it was because they expected some continuation of his Idol performances. Maybe it was because he was gay.

Adam cleared that thought out of his mind. Everyone knows I’m gay, why is it such a surprise. It would have been more shocking if I’d kissed a woman.

“That’s enough questions,” his press manager ordered. “Adam and the band have to leave for New York tonight. Thank you. Goodbye.”

He took Adam’s arm and appeared to gently lead him into another room. Kris followed, but the door shut and locked behind them. Before it did, Kris saw Adam’s arm being released and he watched Adam rub it, wincing at the pain. The yelling from the other party in the room started but was drowned out as the door closed and locked and the racket in the press room rose. Lap tops came out, fingers furiously typing away and hitting ‘send’. Cell phone screens lit up the room as reports were called in. The voices were one giant wave of feedback and Kris’ stomach twisted in knots. Adam was in trouble, whether or not he thought he should be.

 

\--*--

 

The plane was fueled up and the band and entourage were getting on board. Adam stayed back a few minutes with Kris. It was a private plane and they wouldn’t go anywhere without the main attraction. They slipped into a private waiting room.

Their kisses were slow, tender, comforting. Kris slowly ran his hands over Adam’s neck, brushing the scar. It was a constant visual reminder of the attack nearly six months ago but Kris worried there were going to be new scars he couldn’t touch. Adam had seemed fine when he was finally released from the principal’s office and he assured Kris that even though they didn’t get, he was sure most people would. He honestly believed everything would be fine and it would blow over when the next scandal surfaced. It wasn’t a big deal.

“Are you sure you can’t come to New York with us?” Adam asked softly, his forehead resting on Kris’

Kris closed his eyes.

“I have my own career to manage, you know.”

“Oh Kris, I’m sorry. I know that. I always seem to make everything about me.” Adam stepped back, forcing a smile on his face. “I’ll call you from New York tomorrow. Bye.”

Adam turned to leave. Kris took his arm.

“Adam, I didn’t mean…”

His boy turned around, cheeks red with embarrassment. 

“I get it Kris. I’m not your whole life and I shouldn’t be. We’ve had this conversation many times before. I am proud of you, you know. I wish I could scream off the Empire State Building that I love Kris Allen and he loves me but it wouldn’t do either of our careers any good.”

“Adam, we have to go.”

He turned to his manager who had just entered.

“Be right there.” He waited until he left and the door closed. “I’m going to face this like a man and everything will be okay.” He closed the space between them and kissed his baby on the forehead. “Be good. I’m only a phone call away.”

Kris should have been saying that last line to Adam. Kris had to admit to himself that he was jealous that the first man Adam showed affection for on national TV was his straight keyboard/bass player whom he’d only know a couple of weeks. He knew Adam was probably more bothered by the press reaction than he was letting on. He wanted to be there to help Adam navigate the coming firestorm but he DID have his own life. God, this was the most complicated relationship he’d ever been it – but it was worth it.

“Remember, I’m also only a phone call away,” Kris emphasized, holding Adam close. “Love you Adam.”

“Adam, hurry up!”

“Coming!”

“Love you too baby.”

As soon as Adam was out the door, Kris was on the phone.

“Monte, it’s Kris, I need you to do me a big favor.”

 

\--*--

 

The lights were low on the plane and everyone was asleep except Adam. He was still too wired from the show – and obsessing over his good bye with Kris. Adam hated that he was becoming so dependent on his boyfriend. What the hell happened to the strong, independent man he used to be? He got a little needy when he was involved with Brad but he still led his own life, and let Brad lead his.

Adam stretched his long legs our on a nearby seat and rubbed his stiff neck. He felt the scar. The scar that was made when a crazed fan ripped his necklace from his neck, slicing the skin like a razor. The scar that festered and oozed. The scar that landed him in the hospital with blood poisoning. This was why he was becoming a clinging vine. The attack and all the fear and angst and pain that followed. His life wasn’t normal anymore. He was venturing into new territory and although he had been reaching for his goal for eight years, it was uncharted and he didn’t know where to turn. Kris had somehow become his compass, his true north.

Both Kris and Dr. Evans said they were there for him but he truly believed he needed to handle this himself. If he wanted control back over his life, HE was ultimately the one who had to make it happen. Adam promised himself he wouldn’t drag any one else into his complicated life and the next time he saw Kris, it would be all about them and only them. His problems were his problems and he wasn’t going to bring Kris into it anymore. It wasn’t fair to him.

Grabbing a nearby throw, Adam covered his upper body and closed his eyes, trying to sleep. Camera lights flashed beneath his eyelids, voices demanding answers and explanations bounced in his skull. Kris’ face as Adam had pulled away, apologizing for being a wuss, hovered in his sight. His head started aching and a chill overtook him. He wrapped the throw around him tighter. Adam turned his face to the window, watching the distant lights below as he sped across the country. He wiped his eyes, tried to rest, but stayed awake the entire flight.

He had the feeling this was going to be the first of many sleepless nights.


	20. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

The plane landed at JFK in the early hours of Monday morning. Adam, still awake, roused the others and started getting his things together. He had spent the flight wondering what was going on in the rest of his world, what was being said and what was being thought. He had some idea by the questions thrown at him right after his performance; there was going to be trouble. One reporter mentioned that ABC might edit out his more explicit antics for their West Coast feed. If they did that, Adam stated for the record that it would be discrimination as the ladies had been doing shit like that for years and nothing is said. A guy does it – a gay guy to boot – and the world supposedly implodes! Adam had forced himself not to Google the whole mess online during the flight but when they reached their hotel rooms and the others went back to bed, Adam’s curiosity won out over sleep.

There were mixed opinions online. Some people got it, a lot of people didn’t. Apparently ABC received something like 1,500 complaints and the FCC was getting involved. He went on his official website and saw mixed reactions there too. Some of his fans were disappointed, saying he’d ruin this great opportunity. Most of his fans stood behind him, telling him not to stop being himself and that they loved him no matter what he did. His debut album hit stores today and he worried about sales. And then there was the children; viewers complaining his child fans had stayed up late to see their Idol and were traumatized by what they saw. Adam figured the children shouldn’t have been up that late anyway, it wasn’t a family show, and that their parents were probably more traumatized than the kids were. What was he, a babysitter?

All of this craziness got his back up and he decided not to apologize. This was him! He was a sexual person interpreting the lyrics – the very sexual lyrics – of his song and he deserved artistic freedom just like everyone else!

This was just a minor bump. It would blow over and in a few days, everyone will have forgotten about it.

The sun rose and so did his band mates. This was their first day of the publicity tour in NYC. They went to the hotel’s restaurant for breakfast. A few people glared their way but nobody approached them.

There were interviews for Adam today and a bit of time off for his band; later that afternoon they were taping a performance for the Letterman show. Adam was the first of their group to leave, accompanied by Goliath, as always, and the rest of them finally felt comfortable enough to talk about last night.

“Have you guys read or heard any news this morning?” Longineu asked, peering over his glass of juice.

“I haven’t had time to read anything but I’ve seen the headlines. The shit is really hitting the fan,” Monte replied, looking back towards the lobby and Adam. Kris had called him last night, before they took off, and nearly begged Monte to keep an eye on Adam. Kris was really worried about how Adam would react to the inevitable fallout. Monte was worried too but so far, Adam looked like he was handling it alright.

“What about you Tommy? Any reporters calling? After all, you were on the receiving end of the kiss seen around the world,” Longineu joked. 

Tommy laughed but Lisa didn’t.

“I don’t see what’s so funny about it. Adam may have just single handedly killed his career before he got started. I don’t have a problem with him but I’m not the rest of the world.”

“Aren’t we throwing this way out of proportion?” Tommy offered. “All those complainers have their heads stuck so far up their asses, they don’t even know what century it is.”

“Alright, enough already,” Monte ordered. “We’re doing a new song tonight on Letterman and we need to rehearse so when Adam gets back we have it down.” He chuckled, thinking of Adam’s new anthem. “Adam sure knows what he’s doing or why else would he have picked ‘Whataya Want from Me’.”

 

\--*--

 

Adam went into the interviews prepared to talk about the CD, explain his song choices, discussed his inspirations for the album and his plans for the future. Instead, all he was asked about was his AMA performance. He graciously answered their questions but every time he changed the subject and headed in a new direction, the detour lasted about 30 seconds before the interviewer did a u-turn and went back to the AMAs.

By the afternoon, Adam was already getting tired of talking about the ‘racy’ performance. He went up to his room for a little downtime before heading to Letterman. He checked his messages. Kris had sent three emails and left two voice messages. Adam’s head and heart were caught in a tug of war. His heart wanted to call Kris back and get reassurance that everything was going to be okay; his head told him not to burden his boyfriend with this shit and to wait until he was sure he could keep his promise and talk only about them, not himself.

Trying to distract himself, he put on his iPod, grabbed some sheet music and ran over his new song. Adam strolled around the large room, singing the lyrics softly, getting into the music. He put down the lyrics, closed his eyes and let himself get into the meaning of the song. It was about a relationship he wasn’t ready for and he was asking for time to get it right, begging his companion not to give up on him. Adam rubbed the back of his neck, his thoughts turning to Kris. 

“No, I won’t do this,” he muttered to himself, forcing an unknown face to replace his lover in his mind. Things were good with Kris, nothing to worry about.

Some time later, there was a knock at his door but Adam didn’t hear it. He had stretched out on the bed, listening to his song on a loop. Sleep had hovered around his eyes and they closed. Adam didn’t hear or see his door being opened or sense the person approaching him, hand out stretched.

Adam felt a touch on his shoulder and his body retreated, slamming his head into the headboard.

“Shit!”

He whipped the ear buds out and stared at Monte, standing there stunned at his friend’s reaction. Adam’s hand flew to his chest and he tried to stop his heart from popping out.

“Don’t sneak up on me like that!” he demanded, angry and ashamed.

“Well, if you’d answer your damn door I wouldn’t have to use this!” Monte replied, waving a room key.

“How did you get that? Nobody’s supposed to get into my room!”

Oh my God, what if it had been….

“Management. Get up, Letterman’s waiting.”

Monte stormed out of the room, slamming the door. Adam flinched at the sound. He waited a moment or two til the shaking stopped then he grabbed his things. 

“I will be alright. I can get through this.”

 

\--*--

 

Adam got out of the car, smiling and waving to the crowds but not talking. He’d put on large sunglasses and had his deep hood pulled up over his head. They were pre-taping the performance to be aired on Wednesday – it had been arranged this way weeks ago due to his schedule – but onlookers, probably reporters, were asking if the network was afraid of what he might do live.

Letterman didn’t come back to greet them beforehand but they’d heard he was happy to have them on his show. The band waited in the green room, eating cupcakes and other goodies while Adam got glammed up. 

“Guess what I heard?” Tommy laughed, licking icing off a cupcake liner. “Letterman was looking at Adam’s CD cover, staring at it, and asked his assistant ‘Is this a guy? Seriously?’ His assistant said ‘yeah’ and he said ‘really’.”

“Adam’s always being talked about, one way or the other,” Lisa sighed. “I don’t know how he keeps it together sometimes.”

“Well, at least there’s no interview tonight; his music will speak for itself.” 

Monte was already getting tired of defending his friend. He could imagine how tired Adam was getting of defending himself.

Just then, Adam walked in. They all whistled and catcalls filled the small room. Adam laughed and relaxed. His hair was styled down, bangs fanning over his forehead. His make up was light and he was dressed all in black – leather pants, shimmering shirt, jacket, and boots. Adam looked very different from his AMA performance – less threatening, more vulnerable. He was really nervous about the audience, hoping they’d give him and the band a chance. His career should not be defined by one performance.

“Five minutes … five minutes to taping.”

Monday’s show was in the can and their set was being prepared. They waited in the wings anxiously.

“How’s the crowd tonight?” Adam asked the stage manager as he peered around the curtain.

“Same old, same old,” was the reply.

Granted, the guy was a little busy when Adam asked but couldn’t he have said something a little more concrete, like ‘oh, fantastic audience tonight’ or ‘toughest crowd we’ve had in weeks’, something to give Adam an idea of how to perform to them.

Letterman came over and briefly said hi, shaking hands. Paul Schaeffer came by also, giving Adam a warm two handed shake and telling him their rehearsal sounded great and that the audience would love them.

They took their places on the stage, Paul returned to his spot behind the keyboards, Letterman to his desk and the lead in music started.

5, 4, 3, 2 AND CUE….

The cameras rolled and Dave drummed his desk to the end of his band’s song. He asked Paul what song it was, Paul told him and then Dave picked up Adam’s CD. 

“He did well for himself on last season’s American Idol and this is his debut CD,” Dave tapped the case with his pen, “entitled ‘For Your Entertainment’. Please welcome Adam…Lambert. Adam?”

The bright studio lights dimmed, blue mood lighting came up and Monte began the song’s opening rift. Adam stood center stage, arms at his side, his head hanging low. He took a deep breathe, placed one hand on the mic stand and began, laying his heart on that stage for the audience and praying they didn’t stomp on it.

Adam’s voice was soft.

“Hey, slow it down whataya want from me / Whataya want from me.” He nodded his head. “Yeah I’m afraid, whataya want from me.” Adam opened his arms to the audience. “Whataya want from me. “

“There might have been a time / When I would give myself away / Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn.” He tipped his head to the side. “But now, here we are so whataya want from me / Whataya want from me.”

He took the mic in his hand and held tight to the stand, tipping it, anchoring himself. The music picked up and Adam begged.

“Just don’t give up I’m workin it out / Please don’t give in.” He shook his head “I won’t let you down / It messed me up, need a second to breathe / Just keep coming around.” Adam’s body tensed up and the anger, the unfairness he felt came out in his voice and his gestures. “Hey, whataya want from me.” His hand extended to his side in a questioning manner and then clasped his stomach, “Whataya want from me / Whataya want from me!”

The beat slowed once more and Adam contained his anger, letting out his child-like need for approval.

“Yeah, it’s plain to see / that baby you’re beautiful / And it’s nothing wrong with you /   
It’s me, I’m a freak.” He nodded sadly than shook his head, smiling, as he accentuated the word ‘freak’. “But thanks for lovin’ me / Cause you’re doing it perfectly.” 

His body rocked slightly to the beat, building up to his earnest mantra.

“There might have been a time / When I would let you step away / I wouldn’t even try.” He clenched his fist, shaking it. “But I think you could save my life.”

“Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out / Please don’t give in” Adam’s eyes scanned the audience, his hand reaching out to them again. “I won’t let you down / It messed me up, need a second to breathe / Just keep comin around / Hey, whataya want from me.” His arm went behind his back like it was being twisted and his passion, his pain poured out again. “Whataya want from me / Whataya want from me / Want from me!”

He hand splayed over his stomach and he leaned forward as the instruments took over. Since Idol began, he kept being told he was the most current, the most right now artist they’d ever had on the show, that he could make an album immediately and be successful. All during the Idol tour, his fans and the media wanted details on his first solo project, top producers and writers clamored to work with him. Even the snippets of his CD garnered him great reviews. All this anticipation, all this belief in him seemed to vanish the moment he let himself be free on the AMAs and in less than four minutes, all that praise turned to smoke and drifted away, leaving him in the ashes of disapproval and disappointment. 

Adam looked around for a friendly face. He turned to Tommy, leaned towards him, singing, “Just don’t give up on me.”

The music continued then slowed down and Adam sang tenderly once more, his voice and resolve subdued. “I won’t let you down / No, I won’t let you down.” He lightly chewed his bottom lip and released all the hurt he had left through his music.

“(So I) just don’t give up / I’m workin it out / Please don’t give in, / I won’t let you down   
It messed me up / Need a second to breathe / Just keep coming around / Hey, whataya want from me/ Whataya want from / Whataya want from me.”

He lowered his mic, took a cleansing breath and waited. He felt on the verge of tears but held it together. That was it. He’d had his chance to say his peace musically and if the audience didn’t respond, there was nothing more he could do.

Time seemed to freeze and then he heard a loud “Yeah!” and the audience erupted in applause. Dave walked over to the stage, waving to the band. 

“Thank you everybody. Good to have you here. Thank you very much Adam.” Dave extended his hand and Adam took it. “Pleasure to meet you.” Adam waved to the crowd, said thank you, turned and acknowledged his band, smiling in relief. “Adam Lambert ladies and gentlemen.” Dave turned back to Adam then the band. “Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Thanksgiving.” Dave waved to the camera. “And the same to you folks. Thank you for watching.” He held up Adam’s CD, looking at it then showing it to the audience. “Here it is, right there, ‘For Your Entertainment’ Adam Lambert. Craig Ferguson is next. Thank you everybody.”

The closing music started and Dave turned back to Adam, shaking his hand once more and congratulating him on the performance. He’d done it. He proved to America that he could keep his integrity and still give a show to please everyone. Adam was sure all the bad vibes were gone and he looked forward to the rest of his promo tour. In two days, he’d be at the Hudson Theater performing a mini concert for his fans, courtesy of Good Morning America. The storm had passed.

 

\--*--

 

Fans waited for Adam outside the studio and he signed autographs and talked, thrilled everyone was there supporting him. Goliath moved him along until he’d greeted everyone he could. The band had gone on to a local club and Adam was joining them. Dr. Evans told him it wasn’t a good idea to be drinking while he was still dealing with his PTSD but what would be the harm tonight. Things had turned around and it called for a celebration.

At the club, more fans came up to meet him, they took pictures, bought him drinks, slipped him sexy notes and phone numbers. Bought him more drinks. Adam danced, ate and had a fantastic time. Had more drinks.

His phone rang. It was Kris. Adam quickly slipped to a quieter corner and answered.

“Baby, so glad you called!”

First off, Kris was surprised Adam picked up at all. Secondly, he was more surprised Adam seemed genuinely happy to hear from him. So far, all his attempts to contact his boyfriend had failed.

“Adam, you sound happy. I guess everything’s going okay.”

“Fantastic … fucking fantastic!”

Kris could hear music and voices in the background. He heard someone call out to Adam, asking if he wanted another. Adam said the next round was on him.

“Are you drinking?”

“Shh, shh, suppose to be secret,” Adam giggled. “Dr. Evans’ll clobber me if he finds out.”

Kris wanted to clobber Adam himself. Adam knew that drinking only heightened the feelings that lead to his anxiety attacks. What the hell was he doing!

“I think you’ve probably had enough.”

“No, no baby, it’s a celebration. We taped Letterman and they loooved me. It’s over. My career is out of the crapper. Life is good, Krissy, life is good.” 

Adam’s voice quieted and got heavy. “I wish you were here.”

“I do too lover,” Kris replied kindly, finding it too draining to stay mad at Adam.

“You know what I’m doing Kris?” he purred.

Swimming in vat of vodka, Kris said to himself but to Adam he said, “Can’t imagine.”

Adam groaned. 

“My hand’s down my pants, rubbing my cock, thinking it’s y-y-you.” 

Adam’s noises were getting louder. Kris had to put a stop to this before the paps or someone with a cell phone caught Adam. He tapped his receiver.

“Lover, hold on, I have another call. Don’t go anywhere. Stay on the line.”

“Mmmmm, oh God…” was all he heard.

Kris put Adam on hold and grabbed another phone, speed dialing Monte.

“Hello?”

“Please tell me you’re at the same club as Adam,” Kris blurted out.

“Nice to talk to you too Kris,” was the sarcastic response.

“Sorry. Is Adam there with you?”

“Not nearby but yeah, we’re at the same club. How do you know?”

“Can you see him?”

There was a pause as Monte looked around.

“Yeah, in a corner booth.”

“Is he alone?”

“Is this some jealousy thing Kris cause I’m not getting mixed up in a lover’s quarrel?”

“Is….he….alone?”

“He’s sitting alone but he’s on the phone. His face is scrunched up; I think he’s, oh my God…”

“..having phone sex. I know, I’m on the other end of that call. Listen Monte, he shouldn’t be drinking in the first place cause of his issues and if the paps catch him masturbating in public…”

“’Nough said. I’ll get him out of here and back to the hotel.”

“Thanks, I owe you.”

“Believe me, I’m keeping track. You better have deep pockets!”

Kris hung up with Monte and picked the other phone up.

“I’m back Adam.”

“And I’m c-c-c-oming K-K-K-ris-is, ahhh, mmmmm… What, Monte, what the fuck?”

Kris heard Monte’s patient voice in the background.

“Okay lover boy, let go of your cock and come with me…here, wipe it off…”

Adam’s mumbled words told Kris he wasn’t happy anymore and then Monte’s voice came on the line.

“Lisa and Longineau have gone for the car and Tommy and G. are helping me get him out the back door. I don’t think anyone really noticed. Talk to you later.”

The second line went dead. Kris collapsed into his couch, not realizing how tense his muscles were. He looked out the window at the sun setting over Los Angeles and all he wanted to see was the twinkling lights of the Big Apple. He’d tried rearranging his schedule but his manager wouldn’t hear of it. He had commitments and appearances and they took priority over anything or anyone else. 

The TV flashed an old Star Trek episode. Kris closed his eyes, trying to transport himself to Adam’s hotel room. No luck. Instead, he grabbed his bowl of popcorn and let his mind turn to meaningless drabble instead of Adam.

 

\--*--

 

Monte and Tommy assured G. they could handle it and convinced him to hang around the elevator to keep reporters and fans from sneaking in. The two guys got Adam up to his room through the service elevator, avoiding the paparazzi downstairs. They stumbled down the hall. Adam was singing at full volume.

“ ‘Promise I’ll be kind / But I won’t stop until that boy is mine / Baby, you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me / Papa, papapapaprazzzziii!’ “

Adam giggled, tripping over the words and his feet. He turned to Monte, filling his ear with vodka fumes.

“I’ve got a secret, I’ve got a secret,” he sang like a first grader. “Guess who I’m fucking?”

“I haven’t a clue.”

“Krissy Allen, the Pocket Idol himself. But I tell ya, he ain’t little, not one bit…”

“Adam, I think you should shut up now.”

“He’s the hottest ass I ever banged…and I’ve banged a lot; I’m a real slut bag.”

“Here’s your room. Now, where’s your key.”

“You know what? I turned him gay, wasn’t gay until I came on the scene…people say I do that, I make people gay.” His voice trailed off, turning pensive, as he was dragged into his room. “What’s wrong with being gay? Don’t we deserve to be loved?”

“Of course you do Adam.” Monte and Tommy laid him on his bed, pulling off his boots. “Everyone deserves to be loved. You’re very lucky you have him.”

A sweet smiled covered the intoxicated face. “Sure am. I’m luckiest bitch in the world.”

Monte went to make a cup of caffeine in the room’s coffee maker but there were no packets left.

“Damn. Tommy, keep him here while I get some more coffee. If it doesn’t sober him up, we’re having a cold group shower.”

“Yay, party on!” Adam yelped, rolling onto his side and groaning for Kris.

Monte left and Tommy tried to get Adam out of his jacket. The Glam God looked his little friend over hungrily, licking his lips and stroking his arms. Tommy swatted his hands away but couldn’t take his eyes off Adam’s tongue.

Tommy had been around gay guys before and he didn’t think of Adam any differently than his straight friends. Tommy really liked Adam, not even minding it so much when he was frenched on national TV. In fact, he’d gotten a lot of tweets from girls telling him how hot it was. He needed to thank Adam for that.

But at this moment, he felt his own cock twitching as Adam devoured him with his eyes.

“My type, small and cute, like Krissy.” 

Adam sat up, grabbed two handfuls of Tommy’s shirt and pulled him in until their noses touched. Adam licked Tommy’s bottom lip. 

“Miss my little man but maybe we can play make believe and you can be Krissy and I’ll, I’ll….”

Monte hurried down the hall, finding enough coffee packets to keep Adam sober for weeks. He stopped outside the door and called Kris.

“Everything okay?”

“Just wanted to let you know he’s back in his room and we’re getting him sobered up.”

“We?”

“Me and Tommy. It’s all copasetic. I’ll make sure Adam calls you in the morning.”

“Before or after the hangover?”

“Whenever.”

“Right. Thanks again.”

“No problem.”

Just as Monte hung up, he heard gasps and moans coming from inside Adam’s room. He opened the door and dropped the packets.

Tommy was on his back, on the bed, hands pinned down above his head. Adam straddled Tommy’s hips and was licking his neck as Tommy’s eyes rolled back into his head.

“My little man … BIG little man,” Adam groaned, grinding his crotch against Tommy’s. The smaller man whined.

“You even smell like Krissy. God, I miss you Krissy.”

Using one hand to hold Tommy down, Adam’s other hand trailed down to Tommy’s waist to his zipper.

Monte was on Adam like a stripe on a tiger. Although he was smaller than Adam, he managed to drag him off Tommy and into the bathroom. He deposited him in the shower stall and turned on the cold water.

“AARRGGGGHHH!!! YOU … YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!”

Leaving Adam fuming and cooling off in the shower, Monte went back to Tommy, who was sitting up and desperately trying to hide his straining erection with his hand.

“What the fuck do you think you were doing?”

“I … I don’t know. He’s, he’s… Adam’s just so much…he started touching me and I … I gave in.”

“You’re supposed to be straight!”

“Not so sure right now?” Tommy replied softly, blushing and looking down at himself.

Monte threw up his hands.

“Has this whole fucking world gone insane?”

There was a knock at Adam’s door. Monte quickly closed the bathroom door – at least Adam had stopped screaming – and Tommy grabbed a pillow, covering his lap. Monte answered the door.

It was Adam’s PR agent. He was surprised to see the other two guys but he looked like he had other things on his mind.

“Where’s Adam?”

“Ah, in the shower. Why?”

“We need to talk.”

Time for damage control.

“If it’s about what went down at the club tonight, nothing happened.”

“What? No, no, nothing like that.”

Monte joined Tommy on the bed.

“What’s up?”

The agent sighed. 

“I guess I can tell you two. You’re just as involved. I got a call from the producers over at Good Morning America. The network has decided to cancel Adam’s appearance Wednesday morning.”

They were speechless. 

“Apparently, it doesn’t matter that he’s been on their show twice this year and everything was great. The FCC has received complaints about him and the network is concerned he might repeat the same racy performance. They want to protect their early morning audiences.”

“They want to protect their fat asses,” Tommy corrected.

“That too.”

“Hey, what’s with the pow wow?”

Adam stood in the bathroom doorway, drying his hair, a towel around his waist. He seemed more himself and right now, that was vital.

“Adam, sit down. We need to talk.”

He nodded, sitting quietly. Adam said nothing but his eyes were questioning.

“We have a major problem.”

As the situation was explained to Adam, Monte slipped back out into the hall and called LA again.

“Hello.”

“Have the early editions come out yet?”

“No. Why? What’s happening?”

“GMA just axed Adam’s appearance. It will be all over the news in the morning. I wanted you to get a head’s up.”

“How’s he taking it?”

“Don’t know, they’re telling him now.”

“Monte, something like this could trigger an anxiety attack. Is there anyway you can stay with him tonight?”

“I’ll try but I think he’ll kick me out.”

“That’s what I was afraid of. Will you try anyway and if he won’t let you, make sure Goliath is outside his door. At least if something happens, Goliath knows how to handle it.”

“Do you really think something like this could make him loose it? It’s all just so ridiculous.”

“I know but he’s going to feel like he’s being attacked again – not physically but emotionally. I don’t know what it could do to him. I’m going to try to get out there as soon as possible.”

The door to the hotel room opened and the PR agent and Tommy left. Monte looked into the room. Adam was sitting on his bed, legs drawn up, an arm around his knees and a hand behind his neck, rubbing. He was rocking slightly, staring at the foot of the bed. In the sudden quiet, Monte could hear his old friend.

“I will be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me. I will be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me.”

“Make is sooner than soon. Your boyfriend is going to need you


	21. “Can my life get any more fucked up?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Monte didn’t really ask Adam if he wanted him to stay; he just never left. Tommy went back to their room, confused and exhausted. Monte invited G. to come in with them but the gentle giant insisted on waiting outside the room. Monte made him a cup of coffee and G. assured him if anything happened he would be right there.

Monte set a cup of coffee on the bedside table but Adam didn’t move from his position, holding himself tight and repeating his mantra over and over like a broken record. He continued rubbing the back of his neck nonstop; Monte took a peek when he put the coffee down, noticing the pale skin getting red. He thought about doing something but he didn’t know what. So he sat there and watched his friend.

An hour later, Adam slowly fell asleep. He started tipping over and Monte gently guided him down, pulling the bed spread over him. This gig was more than he signed up for and if he and Adam hadn’t had this long standing friendship, he would have been out of here long ago. He looked at his watch, hoping Kris was in the middle of making reservations at the airport.

There was only one bed in the room so Monte made a makeshift one, dragging together two chairs and crawling into the cradle. He tried to stay awake but he was exhausted and soon drifted off himself.

 

\--*--

 

Adam was in the middle of a lonely stage, a mic stand before him and a solitary light shining down above his head. The familiar guitar strains echoed in the empty room and Adam began to sing.

“Hey, slow it down, whataya want from me, whataya want from me?”

“Why did you do it?” came out of the darkness on his left, a whisper, a demand.

“Yeah, I’m afraid, whataya want from me, whataya want from me?”

“You should be; you are disgusting,” came out of the darkness on his right, a whisper, an insult.

“There might have been a time when I would let you slip away, oh once upon a time, I didn’t give a damn…”

“You didn’t, did you? You didn’t care about your fans; it’s all about you,” came out of the darkness beside him, a whisper, an accusation.

“But now, here we are, so whataya want from me…”

“An apology!”

“Whataya want from me?”

“An apology!”

His frantic eyes searched the void that surrounded him. Shadows were moving inside, hands reaching for him, angry red eyes glowing. Panic settled in his soul.

“Just don’t give up, I’m working it out! Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down! It messed me up, need a second to breathe; just keep coming around! Yeah, whataya want from me?”

“An apology!” came out of the darkness, louder.

“Whataya want from me?”

“AN APOLOGY!” came out of the darkness, shouted.

“Whataya want from me?”

“APOLOGIZE!!!”

The darkness closed in and the overhead light made the surrounding faces grotesque. They shouted in his ear, demanding things of him. He heard children crying in the distance, parents accusing him of hurting their babies. Adam tried to back away but came in contact with someone. One arm slipped around his chest and the other over his hip and grabbed his crotch, stroking. He couldn’t see the person who fondled him but he recognized the voice…her voice.

“You know you want it Adam; you want us to fall all over you, touch you, take from you.” The hand pressed harder. “You don’t need to apologize to me.” His zipper came down and the hand curled around him. You are seeeex – you oooooze sex – you…waaaaant…sex.” 

“APOLOGIZE!”

“You know you want it.”

“APOLOGIZE!”

“…want it.”

“APOLOGIZE!!!!!”

“…want….it….”

 

\--*--

 

At first, he heard a noise in his dreams. He was headlining his own tour and the crowds on Mars were the best he’d ever had during this Universal leg. Over the screams of his name, he heard a familiar voice.

“N-No … stop … whataya want from me…”

He dismissed it as feed back and picked up his new Venus5000 triple necked electronic guitar, his four arms strumming in harmony.

“Don’t … no … stop … don’t…”

Monte tried to roll over but was restricted in his chair bed. He phased out of his dream, promising his fans on Mars he would return, and awoke to Adam’s nightmare.

His friend was thrashing on the bed, arms and legs pushing invisible assailants away.

“Leave me alone, I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Monte hurried out of his spot and to the bed. He grabbed Adam by the shoulders and shook him.

“Adam, wake up man! Wake up!”

Seconds later, Monte was flying across the room, landing on his butt. Adam leapt out the bed, naked, his towel tangled in the sheets. He pressed himself into a corner, hands clasped over his ears, yelling.

“Leave me alone, stop it! I didn’t do anything wrong! I didn’t do anything wrong!”

His friend stayed where he was, in shock at the force and fear that had taken over Adam. Kris had warned him about these attacks but he thought the little guy was exaggerating, letting his feelings for his boyfriend cloud his judgment. If anything, Kris’ description was not as bad as this. Adam’s usually jovial face was twisted in agony and terror, his eyes wider than was natural, unblinkingly facing his foes. Adam picked up nearby objects – pillows, books, an alarm clock, a lamp – and flung them across the room. This made Monte bolt and duck behind the chairs. 

Finally, the door opened and in charged Goliath. He froze, quickly assessed the situation, then calmly closed and locked the door and slowly approached his charge, his voice soft and soothing. He stopped just out of arm’s reach.

“Adam, you’re alright. You’re having a nightmare, wake up buddy.”

“NO, LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Another book went flying. Goliath easily dodged it and continued.

“Adam, listen to me. You are in your hotel room. The only people with you are me and Monte. We want to help you but you have to wake up.”

“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! MAKE THEM STOP, MAKE THEM STOP!”

Adam turned to the wall, hands once more blocking his ears. He was shaking as he started sliding down the wall onto his knees, burying his head.

Goliath took a step closer.

Adam didn’t move away.

He took another step closer and crouched down beside him, not touching him, not reaching out.

“That’s it, calm down. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out, that’s it. You are in your hotel room. You are safe Adam, no one is here to hurt you.”

“I…w-want K-Kris, where…is…is…Kris?”

Goliath turned to Monte, silently asking with his face what he should say. Monte came out of hiding and knelt beside Adam. He pulled out his cell and speed dialed, praying Kris would answer.

“Listen Monte, I’m just boarding.”

“Kris, Adam needs you,” he quietly stated.

“I know, we’re taking off in half an hour.”

“No, I mean now. He’s lost in another attack. We calmed him down but he’s still trapped in his head, he’s asking for you.”

Monte heard Kris take a deep breathe, shuddering as he got into the right mindset.

“Okay, what’s he doing?”

“He’s curled in on himself, covering his ears, telling someone to leave him alone, that he didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Hold the phone up to his ear.”

There was silence and then Kris could hear Adam crying, pleading painfully.

“Adam, its Kris, I’m here.”

“Krissy?” he wept, his voice small

“Yeah sweetheart, I’m with you. Listen, you have to wake up. That’s the only way to make them go away. Adam? Do you hear me? Wake up lover, wake up.”

Adam’s head banged softly against the wall.

“I’m … I’m g-g-oing to be al-alright … I can g-g-get through this … N-N-othing is going to ha- ha-harm me … I’m g-going to be alright … I can g-get through this. Nothing is going to harm m-m-me.”

Adam let out a big sigh, his voice growing stronger.

“I’m going to be alright. I can get through this. Nothing is going to harm me. ”

He let go of his ears and rubbed his eyes, looking around strangely. Monte brought the phone back to his ear.

“I think he’s coming around.”

“Thank God.”

Adam looked up, surprise all over his face when he saw Monte and G. watching him. He looked down at himself – why the fuck was he naked? His hands were shaking and he felt a burn rising in his throat. Clamping a hand over his mouth, he flew to the bathroom.

“What’s happening?”

“He’s hurling.”

“Good, that’ll get the alcohol out of his system. Monte, listen, I have to board before they close the gate but I should be there by the morning. I’ve booked a room in the same hotel so as soon as I drop my stuff off, I’ll find you guys.”

“I’ll be looking for you, believe me.”

“You’ve been a good friend – to him and to me.”

“Yeah, well, what should I say to him?”

“You probably won’t have to say much. I imagine he won’t remember any of the nightmare. Just answer what you can and be there for him, whatever he needs.”

“Sure.”

While Monte had been on the phone, G. had found Adam’s robe and brought it to him. Monte quickly cleaned up the mess, hoping Adam hadn’t noticed. 

Goliath helped the younger man back to bed.

“G, why was I naked?”

“You took a cold shower with your clothes on. Can I get you anything?” 

“Like what?” Adam replied sullenly, embarrassed by what just happened. How could he let himself get drunk? What was he thinking? He wasn’t thinking; that was the problem.

“Do you want me to call room service, get some food, a sandwich? Warm milk and cookies?”

Adam laughed despite himself, flashing a grateful smile at his bodyguard.

“I don’t know about the milk but I could go for a light sandwich, something to soak up the alcohol.”

“Will do.”

Goliath got on the phone and then Adam noticed Monte, flopped in a chair, looking a mess.

“What the fuck happened to you?” Adam asked, completely unaware of his tirade earlier. “You hung over too?”

He looked at Adam blankly.

“You could saw that. I’ve definitely been on a bender.”

“Then what the hell are you doing here? My misery doesn’t need company. Go to bed.”

Goliath looked over at Monte and nodded. 

“Sure, fine, see ya in the morning. I’ll bring the aspirin.”

“You do that and I’ll bring the ice packs.”

Adam pulled the blankets over himself. He felt tired but he didn’t want to go to sleep. All he could think about was the fool he’d made of himself after everything at Letterman had gone so well. He vaguely recalled drunk calling Kris and having one sided phone sex with him in the middle of a club. The rest was fuzzy. He reached for the remote and channel surfed, looking for a station that didn’t air news or entertainment reports. 

Unfortunately, one thing Adam couldn’t forget was that GMA and ABC canceled his performance for Wednesday. He thought about the fans that had tweeted him, telling him they were excited and would be waiting in line. He’d have to remember to send another message in the morning before heading to MTV for three different interviews – he liked Michelle, Alexa and Jim; they’d make him feel better, put everything in perspective. He’d have to go a tad heavier on the makeup and eyeliner to hide his lack of sleep but he’d done that before.

He found a movie channel. Some mindless movie was playing and he got comfortable, settling in for the long haul. Room service arrived and he ate half the sandwich, stopping when his stomach began protesting. Goliath wolfed down a double cheeseburger and cleaned up.

“Well, I guess this is good night G. Thanks again.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Adam knew better than to argue with him – he’d tattle to Kris.

Kris. He wished he could talk to him. He looked at the alarm clock; Kris should be fast asleep by now. Maybe on Thanksgiving. Yeah, he’d call Arkansas on Thursday, say hi to Kim and Neil and his baby boy. Adam was the one pushing Kris away and it was up to him to set things right.

Goliath stretched out awkwardly in the chair Monte had been using earlier. Adam looked at the king sized bed and the little amount of space taken up by him. He patted the other side.

“G, why don’t you stretch out?”

G gave him a look.

Adam laughed. “Don’t worry; I’m not going to ravage you in your sleep. You have to be alert to guard me from myself and it ain’t gonna happen in the dollhouse chair. Come over here, seriously.”

Goliath lay down beside Adam and immediately fell asleep. Adam’s mind wandered, thinking about the other hotel rooms he had been in, the ones he had shared with Kris…the beds he had shared with Kris.

His attention came back on the TV. The mindless movie was over and they were airing ‘Brokeback Mountain’. It was the scene where Jack and Ennis were making love in the tent. Adam watched the two men – one dark haired, the other light haired – and he thought once more of his boyfriend. He closed his eyes, imaging Kris pinned down under him, licking his neck, grinding their crotches together. He heard Kris whimpering and remembered his eyes rolling back … and then the image flipped, Kris replaced by Tommy.

Tommy was under him, being pinned down. Adam was licking Tommy’s neck, making Tommy whimper, calling Tommy his ‘little man, big little man’, saying he smelled like, tasted like Kris.

“Oh shit.”

His body revolted and the sandwich was returning for an encore. Adam scrambled back to the bathroom, this time not quite making it. When there was nothing left to hurl, he cleaned up the mess and stayed on the tiled floor, leaning against the door, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Can my life get any more fucked up?”

 

\--*--

 

Kris was the last passenger to board. He lugged his carry-on down the aisle, bumping into seats and people, his eyes looking for his seat number. Finding it, he stuffed his luggage into the overhead compartment and squeezed past the person in the aisle seat to reach his own by the window. He plunked down, laid his head against the headrest and closed his eyes.

“Kris?”

He turned to the voice beside him and opened one eye.

“Leila?”

The other eye opened and Leila’s warm and surprised smile greeted him. She initiated the hug and he gladly returned it.

“What are you doing here?” they asked in unison. 

They both laughed and ever the gentleman, Kris let her answer first.

“I’m joining Neil and Adam in New York for Thanksgiving. How about you? Business…or pleasure?”

Kris spotted the gleam in her eye. She had known about him and her son long before they had spent their first night together. She had said ‘a mom always knows’ and she gave them her blessing.

Kris blushed a little.

“Of course,” she chuckled. “Pleasure. But I thought you were spending the holiday in Conway, with your family. Change in plans?”

“No, no, not…really. I’m just making a quick visit and then I’m flying down.”

Leila watched his face more than listened to his words. Something was off; he should be happier than this.

“Kris, sweetie, is there anything wrong? Anything I should know about?”

He looked at her, flashing a forced smile.

“No, no, everything’s…great.”

“Kristopher?”

Oh, oh – the mom voice.

“We, um, had kind of small fight before he left for New York. I said some…things that I wish I hadn’t and…I want to see him and set it right.”

“Oh.”

She didn’t want to pry. They were grown men and could handle their own relationship problems. She really loved Kris. He had been friends with Adam from the moment they discovered they were roommates in the Idol Mansion and she couldn’t have been more thrilled when it blossomed into love, especially considering how that love helped her son get through the most traumatic event of his young life.

Leila decided to change the subject.

“I’m so looking forward to his concert Wednesday. Not so much being up at four in the morning but it will be worth it. If his fans can get up and be in line at six, I can manage it too. After all, who’s a bigger fan than his mom – next to you of course…”

She rambled on and Kris’ heart sank with each word. She hadn’t heard the news.

“…go to a nice rest..aur…ant. Kris, something is wrong, isn’t it?”

“Did you listen to any news before boarding?”

“Ah no, I was running late. What happened?” Fear flowed across her face. “Adam? Did something happen to my baby? Did someone hurt him?”

“Calm down Leila. He’s fine – physically. I got a call from Monte. He told me GMA and ABC have cancelled his concert.”

“Why?”

He gave her a look that said it all.

“His AMA performance.”

Kris looked away, nodding.

Her mouth became a tight line as she swallowed all the words she’d never let pass her lips. She had been shocked by his performance but she wasn’t surprised; this was her son, this is what he did. Didn’t America know this by now?

“I can’t believe its spiraling this far out of control.” She took Kris’ hand. “Have you talked to him?”

“He wasn’t in any shape to be talking when Monte called.”

“So you don’t know how he’s taking this?”

“Oh, I know. Believe, I know.”

Leila gazed over his sad face.

“This is the real reason you’re going to New York, isn’t it?”

Kris nodded, a single tear clinging to his lower eyelashes.

“It’s like he’s being attacked all over again but on a national scale. I … I went on the internet. It’s not just ABC, its some of his fans, public interest groups, complete strangers judging him, insulting him, spewing hate at him.” 

He grasped Leila’s hand tightly, letting the tear fall, followed by another. He locked eyes with her, his voice desperate. 

“I stumbled upon this ultra conservative website and the comments, oh my God Leila, the comments. Some … some jackass said he wished Adam would get AIDS and die and some other sick person said Tommy should have beaten Adam to death on stage for forcing himself on him like that. I keep telling Adam everything’s going to be okay but I … I just don’t know. He’s handled hate before, I know he has, but with the PTSD and the pressure he’s under, I’m afraid he could go over the brink and not come back!”

 

\--*--

 

G. was snoring loudly, helping Adam stay awake. ‘Dr. Zhivago’ was now playing and Adam finished the other half of his sandwich and cleared out the contents of the mini fridge. He ate the snacks, drank the pop and dumped the booze down the sink. He wrote a brief note asking housekeeping not to restock, catching it in the door.

He checked his cell. There was a text message from Kris:

i <3 u, i <3 u, i <3 u. K.

He texted back.

i <3 u 2. A.

There was also voice mail from his mom.

“Hi sweetheart. I’m on the plane to New York. Can’t wait to see you and your brother. Will be there soon.” There was a pause. “I love you Adam, and I’m so proud.”

Adam called her back. He knew she’d be awake – she had trouble sleeping while traveling.

“Adam, why are you still up?”

“My mind’s working overtime. How’s the flight? Have you got some chatterbox for a seat mate?”

Leila looked over a Kris. He’d finally fallen asleep, his head on her shoulder.

“Smooth sailing. And, no my traveling companion’s asleep. He’s quite nice actually.”

“Good, good.”

There was silence. Leila bit her lip and dived in.

“How are you? Everything…alright?”

More silence.

“Not really but don’t worry; I’m sure it will work itself out.”

“You want to talk?”

“When you get here.”

More silence.

“I talked to Kris,” Leila blurted out, hoping she sounded casual.

“Really? When? How is he?”

Leila heard the desperation in his voice.

“I while ago. He’s a little sad. He misses you…a lot.”

“I miss him too.”

“Is everything okay with you boys?” She’d heard Kris’ side, now she wanted Adam’s.

“We had an argument before I left to come here. I said some things, left some issues hanging that I shouldn’t have and I think he’s mad at me. I want to make it right but I’m not sure how.”

Oh, young love!

“Don’t worry son. I have a feeling you’ll figure it out.” She kissed Kris’ head. “You’ll both figure it out.”


	22. Looking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

“ ‘Given his controversial live performance on the AMAs we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning’,” Kris read from a newspaper.

The cab was weaving through the Manhattan city grid. Kris and Leila decided to share a ride since they discovered they were both staying in the same hotel as Adam. On their way through the airport terminal, they had picked up as many early editions of the local and national newspapers as they could get their hands on. 

“This one says the same thing, and this one too,” Leila replied, folding them up. “I talked to him last night.”

“When?”

“You were sleeping. I’d left a voice message telling him I was on my way and he called back. He said his mind was on overload.”

“How’d he sound?”

“Tired, a little defeated but not as bad as I expected. I have a feeling it may be rough on him but he’s going to make it through.” She patted Kris’ leg. “How could he not with friends like you.”

“Did you … did you tell him I was coming?”

“No. Should I have?”

“No, no, I’m, I’m glad you didn’t. I don’t really want to surprise him but at the same time, I don’t him running for cover trying to avoid me.”

The cab pulled up to the hotel.

“I think the only thing Adam will be running to is you.”

 

\--*--

 

Sleep had eventually won over Adam at some point in the early morning hours. He had been dreaming about Kris, of course, and started to awake with the sensation of a hot body beside him. With his eyes still closed, he felt the heaviness that pinned down his hips. He shifted around and a deep throated grumble startled him into full consciousness. Adam looked down to find himself under the heavy arm of his snoring bodyguard.

During the night, Goliath had obviously rolled over and now had the amused younger man trapped under his limb. Adam tried to get out from under the fleshy seatbelt but every time he lifted the arm, it came back, pulling him in closer until they were spooning and Goliath’s hand was rubbing Adam’s stomach. He was not prepared for the hardness he felt stirring near his backside.

Adam heard the door click open and he thanked God, for once, that someone else had a key to his room. Monte came in and covered his mouth, swallowing his mirth. Adam looked him directly in the eyes and through his own smile, mouthed ‘help me dumbass’. Monte took his sweet old time making his way to the bed and made a show of figuring out how to execute the rescue. Goliath started moving suggestively and Adam let out a yelp, limbs wiggling in the air like a cat trying to get away from its owner’s hold. The gentle giant didn’t wake up but he did roll over to the other side of the bed. Adam quickly got up, standing by Monte and punching him in the shoulder.

“Thanks for nothing!” Adam laughed.

“You’re welcome. You probably should close that.”

Adam looked to his robe. It had come loose and he was hanging out, not at attention but getting there.

“Goliath doing it for you?”

“More like dreaming of Kris. Why are you here anyway, I don’t have anything scheduled until this afternoon.”

“I thought you might want some company when you looked at these.” Monte held up the roll of newspapers Adam hadn’t noticed before.

“I guess the word is out then. TV?”

“Yup. You’re the talk of the country.”

“And not for the right reasons. How … how’s Tommy this morning?”

“Ah ha, so you remembered!”

“Bits and pieces. I know I put him in a tough position – pun intended – I hope he’s not going to quit over this.”

“Well, I can’t speak for him but I think he understands. It might be a little awkward for a bit but he’ll get over it. He didn’t seem to be too upset last night.”

Monte’s phone rang. He looked at the screen – KRIS. Adam didn’t ask who was calling; he just disappeared into the bathroom and shut the door.

“I’m here, in the lobby. How goes it?”

“Good and I’m not just saying that. You coming up?”

“I thought I’d wait a bit. Leila ended up on the same flight with me and she’s here too, just checking in. I think Adam should see her first; she promised not to mention I was here. I’ll see him this afternoon.”

“He’s going to be at MTV this afternoon.”

“Oh, well, then I’ll bide my time and see him when he comes back. Is he free after that?”

“As far as I know. His life’s in flux, you know.”

“Tell me about it. Leila’s coming back. Later.”

Adam emerged from the bathroom, his face smeared in shaving cream. He looked towards Goliath.

“I think you should wake him up. I’ve already been his cuddle bunny; it’s your turn to rouse him.”

Adam winked, hoping Monte caught his double entendre. He had.

“You…are…a…evil…man.”

 

\--*--

 

Leila was surprised and happy to see how relaxed her son was when he answered his door. They started the reunion light but eventually the elephant in the room took over and the AMAs and the fallout came up. Adam knew his mom was okay with it in the sense that she knew what he was about and she accepted him no matter what he did. He had just gotten off the phone with his dad before his mom arrived. They had laughed about his performance and his dad had cautiously suggested he issue an apology. Adam had told his dad that he wasn’t going to, that he didn’t feel he’d done anything wrong and that was that, end of story. No hard feelings between them either way.

“So Adam, have you heard from Kris?”

Adam fumbled with an invisible thread on the bottom of his shirt. “No, but I’m going to call him Thursday, wish him a Happy Thanksgiving.”

“And…”

“And ask him to forgive me. I know he cares about me.” Leila raised an eyebrow. “Okay, he loves me…and I love him…it’s just I get so caught up in my troubles and I forget that he has a life too. I don’t like being needy but I can’t help it. I … I’ve never had a boyfriend’s support that like this before and it’s easy to take him for granted. I haven’t exactly made it easy for him to love me.”

“Who ever said loving somebody was easy?”

“Not me, that’s for sure.”

Adam’s phone rang. Leila hoped for a minute it was Kris but it didn’t seem to be. 

“You have got to be fucking kidding me! That’s awesome! Yeah….yeah….I understand, we can talk about the details when I get back. Can I mention it? Okay, yeah, I’ll say that. Yeah, thanks again for your hard work…I know, I know, I haven’t exactly made it easy but thanks again … right … talk you later.”

Adam shut off his phone then caught his mom in an unexpected hug, lifting her off the floor and spinning her around. 

“Adam, Adam, put me down sweetie!”

He complied and gave her a noise ‘muah’ on the forehead.

“Thanks to my diligent, brilliant PR geniuses, I have a new appearance tomorrow morning to replace GMA.”

“Who? Who?”

“The Early Show on CBS. Have to talk about the controversy – I think that’s a given now – but they’ve cleared a good chunk of their schedule for me and I’ll be performing two songs – two songs? What should I sing? – anyway, they’re also setting up an outdoor segment for me to so I can be with the fans. The fans! Oh my God, I hope the word gets out I’ve moved!”

He picked up his phone, calling back his staff. Leila quietly excused herself, telling him she’d catch up with him later. She closed the door, said goodbye to Goliath and headed to her room. She called Kris but got his voice mail. She told him the good news about CBS and that Adam was ready to talk.

 

\--*--

 

Kris listened to the message from Leila in the elevator on his way down for breakfast. It was fantastic news and that meant Adam would be in good mood when Kris surprises him. Kris walked into the restaurant and noticed Tommy sitting by himself in a booth. Tommy spotted him and Kris could have sworn the other man was trying to make himself invisible.

“Tommy, hi, can I join you?”

Tommy nodded, suddenly feeling very self conscious. The waiter came over, bringing Tommy’s ham and eggs. He filled a cup of coffee for his new customer and took Kris’ order. They talked about this and that – the weather, the economy, the pending health care bill – eventually ending up on a mutual topic – Adam.

“So, about Adam…” Tommy started, hoping his nerve held out. He’d never had to tell some guy he’d made out his boyfriend before.

“Yeah, I know all about it. I think it’s great.”

“You what?” Tommy stuttered. Maybe Kris Allen was more liberal minded than he thought.

“It’s a shame it took something like this to make it happen but I’m really happy for you guys. It means more exposure, you know?”

The other man shook his head. What a lucky break! He lightened up a bit, feeling more comfortable about the whole thing. He tongue loosened.

“Wow, I didn’t think you’d take this so well. I mean, if my girlfriend had made out with someone else, I’d be breaking the other guys neck. Wouldn’t be too happy with her either.”

Kris stopped in mid sip. His ears must still be blocked from the plane ride. Did Tommy just admit he and Adam had made out?

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming him totally. He was really drunk and missing you like shit. I could have stopped him but I guess I was kind of curious you know, wondering if he was as fucking unbelievable as I’ve heard…” Tommy looked at Kris’ face, realizing he better stop there.

Kris took a breath, trying to control his anger. “I heard CBS has booked you guys for tomorrow.”

“Yeah, Monte called. We have to rehearse after Adam gets back and after he talks to PR. It could be late night. Not too late, I hope. I don’t function well at 4:00am.”

You apparently had no trouble functioning for Adam, Kris burst out at Tommy in his head. No wonder Adam wasn’t answering his calls; he was too busy letting his little bass player pluck him!

Tommy finished his food and got up. “Sorry to eat and run but Longineu and me are planning some serious damage on our credit cards. See you later.”

With that, Tommy was gone and Kris’ was nearing his boiling point. His breakfast arrived and Kris slammed $50 down on the table, declaring he wasn’t hungry anymore. He bolted out of the dining room, determined to find Adam and have it out with him. He banged into someone and kept going, not apologizing or checking to make sure he hadn’t hurt them.

“Yo, cowboy hold up! Kris? Kris?” Monte turned, watching Kris charge by him and head for the elevators. “Get back here!”

The elevator doors opened onto an empty car and Kris charged in, slamming the floor button and Monte slid in before the doors closed. He hit the button to stop the elevator.

“What the hell are you doing?” Kris demanded.

“Obviously stopping you from ripping someone’s head off.”

“You have no clue what I’m thinking.”

“I know the only person who could get you this riled up is Adam and you haven’t even talked to him this morning. Have you?”

“No, but I just heard something very interesting.” Kris got into Monte’s face, snarling. “When you called me last night and told me you and Tommy where sobering Adam up, you might have mentioned Tommy was doing so by fucking Adam’s brains out!”

“What the…You have no clue what you’re talking about!”

“Tommy told me himself!”

“You must have misunderstood.”

“I don’t think so.”

Kris hit the floor button again and the elevator started lifting. Monte hit another button, the floor below Adam’s and when the door opened, Monte dragged Kris out and they headed for the stairs.

“What the hell are you doing?” Kris demanded as he was hauled up the steps.

“Stopping you from making the worst mistake of your life!”

 

\--*--

 

Kris landed on the bed with a bounce. Monte locked the door to his room and dragged a chair over in front of Kris.

“This shit has gone on long enough. I’m not a fucking relationship counselor but I’m not going to sit by and let you ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”

“His music career.”

“No you, you dickhead.”

“But I, but he…”

“Shut up and listen. He was wasted and all he could babble on about was how much he missed you, needed YOU! Sure he kissed Tommy on the show, he got caught up, but that was all there is to it. Do you really think he would cheat on you?” 

Kris looked away as he felt the heat rise in his face.

“Well, do you?”

“No, but…”

“In his fog, he thought Tommy was you. He played out in his drunken state what he wanted to do with you. Sure, Tommy could have protested harder but can you blame him? I don’t think Tommy would have let it get farther than necking but he wasn’t 100% sober either and Adam can be very tempting.”

“Don’t I know it.” Then Kris tuned in to what Monte had just said. “Necking? You, you mean it didn’t go beyond that?”

“Well, there was some heavy petting going on but they were still fully clothed when I barged in.”

“Tommy made it sound like…”

“I’m sorry if you misunderstood. Tommy was pretty embarrassed and confused afterwards. I’m surprised he admitted it to you at all.”

“I guess he thought Adam had told me.”

“And he will, I know it. Adam doesn’t lie, especially about something as important as this. He couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t fess up.”

Kris got up and paced. “Tommy also mentioned you have a rehearsal this afternoon after his interviews and his meeting with PR. I’m guessing I’m not going to have a chance to talk with him.”

Monte got up and placed a friendly hand on Kris’ shoulder. “Sure you will.” He looked at his watch. “Listen, Adam still has time before he leaves. Go see him now.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to get into a fight when he needs a clear head. Maybe I should wait.”

“When is your flight to Arkansas?”

“Early tomorrow evening. Now he’s got The Early Show in the morning and I know he has another radio interview. Maybe I should just head back home now.”

Monte grabbed Kris’ hand again and they headed out the door.

“Damn, what did you two do when I wasn’t around to match make?”

 

\--*--

 

They arrived at Adam’s room and Monte knocked. The door opened but it wasn’t Adam, it was one of his PR guys. He slipped out and closed the door, not noticing Kris behind him.

“You can’t go in. He’s just about to go on the air live with Seacrest.”

“Seacrest?”

“His show called after they got wind of the GMA cancellation and then CBS picking him up. Ryan’s extended his show in LA so he can talk with Adam. You’ll have to come back later.”

He went back in, not paying much attention to what he was doing. The door didn’t close all the way and Monte and Kris took it as an invitation to eavesdrop. Ryan was on the speaker phone so they could all hear the conversation.

“During a performance, he kissed a boy and then, how do describe what else you did, some guy snorkeled in your crotch right?”

Adam cracked up. “Snorkeled?” Then he explained how he got caught up in the song and that he was proud of what he did.

“Then this morning I read a statement from ABC saying they’ve taken you off GMA due to that type of performance. How do you respond to that?”

Adam repeated the rehearsed speech he was to give in answer to that question, how he respected their decision and that it was a shame. He said he felt bad for the fans who were expecting to see him tomorrow. The double standard issue and ‘the children’ came up again.

“There were other things on there that were questionable so. You know, I have one move with a male dancer that, you know, is tongue in cheek, and kinda, you know, on the fly – literally – and…”

“Or literally tongue in cheek.”

“…ah, exactly, and you know its kind of not that big of a deal. I think a mountain’s been made out of a mole hill.”

“Okay, so let me ask you this.” Ryan paused for a minute. “Is it, is it something you would have done on American Idol?”

“Aaahhhhhhhh, no cause I wasn’t performing any songs of that subject matter on American Idol.”

“I mean there’s no way you would have had Kris Allen do that with you?”

They all laughed, even Adam.

“I don’t think Kris Allen would have wanted to do that…”

Out in the hall, Monte looked at Kris who was a peculiar shade of red.

“Would you?” Monte whispered.

“It’s none of your business,” he whispered back.

“I knew it – you would.”

The interview went on to talk on about The Early Show and Adam being one of Barbara Walters’ most fascinating people and they wrapped up. Adam’s team began ushering him out of his room and down the hall, chatting all the while about his next appearances. The elevator closed and Monte and Kris came out from behind the Coke machine.

“Really Monte, this just isn’t going to work. I’m heading home.”

Monte grabbed Kris’ hand and pressed something into it.

“What’s this?”

“Adam’s hotel room key. I think you know what to do with it.”


	23. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

The interviews went well – Alexa’s live audience was electric, Michelle kept him cackling with her standup quality comments and Jim delved into the music and just touched on the AMA’s briefly. Adam still chuckled to himself at his own impromptu imitation of cockroach. It felt wonderful to be silly. The moment he’d set foot back in the hotel, he’d been ushered into his strategy meeting and while necessary, it was about as much fun as watching paint dry.

He had a few minutes to head back to his room before rehearsal started. Adam shed his killer boots for some sneakers and removed his blue and black plaid shirt. When he had been getting dressed earlier, his stylist had a fit because someone had put a ‘Kris Allen’ on her rack of clothes but Adam thought it was fate and much to her chagrin, that was the top Adam insisted on layering with his black shirt.

He neatly folded the shirt and draped it over the back of a chair and then stretched out on the bed for a minute or two. What a rollercoaster these last few days had been and the ride had just started. He was living his dream but someone was missing. He looked over and stared at the shirt, chewing his bottom lip. He wondered what Kris was doing right now. Was he in the midst of his own interview or was he stretched out on a bed somewhere thinking about Adam? 

Shifting on the bed, Adam’s jeans refused to move with him, and they bunched up. Straightening the fabric out, his hand grazed over his crotch and his dick pulsed. He cast an eye towards the door, hoping he’d locked it, and undid his zipper, slipping his hand inside his pants. Adam closed his eyes, picturing Kris laying down beside him in all his naked glory, and started stroking himself.

Knock. Knock.

Shit.

“Coming, coming, hold on!”

He tucked himself back in, hurried to the bathroom to wash his hands and check his hair, then headed off to round three.

 

\--*--

 

Back in Arkansas, the pace of life was slow and relaxed but Kris had never experienced a day that seemed to go on forever. Adam was off to MTV and waiting that long was bad enough but now Kris had to wait through a PR meeting and a rehearsal before he’d get a chance to see his boyfriend. Kris had gone out for a walk around Manhattan, purposely getting lost because it would help pass the time and then when he found his way back to the hotel, he headed in the opposite direction and got lost again. This time, in his wanderings, he came across a bakery and decided to pick up some chocolate brownies with walnuts, and green tea with honey as a peace offering. 

It was well past eight and Kris was literally pacing in his room, cell phone in hand.

“Ring damn it!” he cursed and on command the phone rang.

“Hello?” Kris yelled.

“Easy tiger!” Monte commented. “He just got here. Go to it…and by the way, I let G. in on your surprise so he doesn’t think you’re an intruder and puts you in traction.”

 

\--*--

 

Monte closed his phone just as Adam approached him. He looked around the room.

“Is Tommy here yet?”

“Nope. Why?”

“I want to talk to him about last night. I owe him an apology.”

“Ah…that’s… big of you but, um, I don’t think you need to worry about it. He’s cool.”

“Still, we have to work together and I don’t want anything unsaid between us. Toss him my way when he comes in.”

Adam headed off across the room to talk to Longineu and Lisa as Tommy sauntered in. Monte sprinted to the door, grabbing Tommy by the hand and yanking him out into the hallway.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” Tommy demanded, rotating his dislocated shoulder.

“Listen to me Glitterbaby, and listen good!” Monte ordered, lowering his voice. “Adam wants to apologize for hitting on you last night.”

“So?”

“You accept his apology and keep your mouth shut. Don’t tell him Kris is here or that you told him about your make out session.”

“I didn’t tell him; he knew.”

“He knew about the Early Show thing, not what his boyfriend did – not until you told him.”

“I didn’t know, I swear! Oh God, Kris must want to kill me.”

“He wanted to kill Adam actually until I set him straight. Adam will tell him, as soon as they get together. Kris is waiting for him in his room so don’t… say… anything and let them handle it.”

“Tommy!”

Adam headed over to him. Monte smacked Tommy on the ass as he walked away to join the others. Tommy gazed into the nervous face, almost laughing at how ridiculous it was that Adam should look afraid of him!

“I … um … I need to talk to you. Got a sec?”

Tommy nodded and he headed once more into the hallway, Adam on his heels. They found a couple of chairs and sat. Adam picked at invisible fluff on his pants, trying to remember how he wanted to say this. Tommy sat quietly, tapping his fingers on his legs.

“You said you wanted to talk.”

“Oh, right. I … ah … I just want to, that is, I’m sorry…”

“Apology accepted.”

Adam’s brows knit together. “You don’t even know what I’m sorry for!”

“Well, I figured it was about, you know, the other night.”

“So you are mad at me.”

“No! It’s just that you were drunk…”

“That’s no excuse.”

“No, it’s not, but you’re dealing with a lot of heavy stuff and you miss Kris and I was there and it shouldn’t have happened. And it won’t happen again.”

Adam laughed softly, running his hand through his hair. “Thank you for apologizing for me.”

“You’re welcome. Now can we go practice? You have people waiting.”

 

\--*--

 

Two hours later, Adam was heading down the long hallway to his room. He was going to have a 4:00am call and he couldn’t wait to get to bed. G. was silent, as usual, until Adam was posed to swipe his room key.

“Just to let you know,” Goliath began. “You have a visitor inside.”

“At this hour? Who is it?”

Goliath shrugged and gave Adam a shy smile.

Adam entered his room, expecting his mom, or Neil, or…anybody but who he saw sitting nervously on the bottom of his bed.

“Kris,” he uttered softly, frozen to the spot.

“Hi Adam,” he replied, just as softly.

Adam pushed the door closed. “You’re here.”

“Yup.”

“You should be in LA…or Arkansas.”

“Yup.”

“But you’re here.”

“Uh-huh.”

Adam took a few steps forward, Kris stayed where he was.

“We need to talk.”

“I know.” Kris wrung his hands, his eyes wide with anticipation. “I’ve missed you.”

Adam took a few more steps, close enough so Kris had to look up.

“I’ve missed you too…a lot.” 

Adam reached out and ran the back of his fingers down Kris’ cheek. Kris leaned into the caress, a crooked smile forming on his lips. He stood up and moved forward until they were toe to toe. Kris played with Adam’s necklace, his hand sensing the increased beat of Adam’s heart. Twisting the chain in his hand, Kris started reeling Adam in but Adam jerked back in response, his hand flying to the back of his neck.

“Oh God, Adam, I’m sorry, I didn’t think…” Kris could have kicked himself. That was the stupidest idea he’d ever had.

“No … no, it’s … it’s alright,” Adam reassured him though his voice was shaky. 

He returned his hand to Kris’ cheek then pushed it through his boyfriend’s hair and around to the back of his head. He held Kris’ head still as he lips descended, tentative but demanding, hard but soft, sweet but hot.

Kris eased his arms around Adam, bringing their bodies together. He started moving his hands down towards Adam’s ass, stopping every inch or so, waiting for his cue from Adam. With every inch his hand traveled, the more fiercely Adam kissed him. Kris tucked a hand into the back of Adam’s pants, his middle finger teasing the sensitive spot at the top of his crack, sliding in and out, in and out. His lover groaned and pulled away.

“Wha…what’s wrong? Too much?” Kris let his worry show on his face, not hiding his concern any longer.

“Kris, baby, we … we need to talk.”

“I know but Adam…”

“I want that too but…”

“Can’t we wait, can’t we talk…after?”

“I don’t know; it doesn’t seem right until I….”

Kris cut him off with a kiss and a slow, needy groan. Adam lifted Kris up of the floor, their lips so intertwined they couldn’t be distinguished and carried him to the bed. Adam kneeled on the mattress and laid the two of them down, releasing his baby’s lips long enough to gasp, “Talk can wait.”

 

\--*--

 

Adam woke up to an empty bed. He looked around in the dim room and caught a glimpse of Kris doing something at the table, wearing Adam’s plaid shirt. It was just long enough to barely cover the tempting curves of Kris’ tasty cheeks, making Adam hurt with desire to be buried in that bit of heaven once more. Silently, he crawled out of bed, his naked body flushed from exertion, and came up behind Kris. Adam rested his chin on Kris’ shoulder.

“Snacks. Mmmmm, how domestic of you.”

“Need to keep up our strength,” Kris chuckled then he felt Adam’s organ standing hard and hot up his spine. He licked his bottom lip, his breathe panting. “Though, uh, you, ah…” Adam slipped his arm under Kris and circled his dick. “Oh, right, strength, you, ah, seem to have…” Adam tightened his hand, “uh, uh, yours back.” Kris banged his head onto Adam’s chest. “Oh for Pete’s sake, fuck me already!”

Kris found himself on the bed, legs over Adam’s shoulders, screaming his lover’s name and curling his toes. 

“Harder…harder….Adam….fu-fuck….fu-fu-fuck!”

 

\--*--

 

“What are you doing down here?”

“No worries, I can still see the door.”

“Are they still in there?”

A deep chuckle. “Oh yeah, they’re in there.”

“So why…?”

“Giving them some privacy and besides, I started missing my girl, if you catch my drift.”

Monte walked to Adam’s room and without having to press his ear to the door, he could hear them clearly; he could hear everything clearly. He swallowed hard and his face got hot.

“Hear what I mean?” Goliath called down the hall.

Monte tugged at his collar and hurried down the hall, past Goliath and towards the elevator. Goliath turned around.

“I thought you wanted to talk to them?”

“Not now G. I … I need a shower,” Monte replied as the sliding doors closed, his voice strained.

“I bet he does, and a cold one at that.”

 

\--*--

 

“That’s better; you are way too distracting.”

Kris did up his shirt, smiling at Adam who was lounging on the bed in his sweatpants and t-shirt, talking between mouthfuls of brownies and sips of cold tea. He sat on the bed and rested his hand on Adam’s bare foot. He opened his mouth to speak but Adam cut him off.

“Can I start?”

Kris nodded as Adam set aside his snack and leaned against the headboard.

“I did something really stupid, really thoughtless last night and I need to tell you about it. I should have told you before our little reunion session but, anyway, I need to apologize and I hope you forgive me. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.”

His boyfriend remained quiet, letting him continue. Adam blurted it out. “I tried to have sex with Tommy.”

He braced himself for the tirade, the backlash. 

Nothing.

There was no anger in Kris’ body language, no hate in his eyes. 

“You know, don’t you?”

Kris nodded.

“How?”

“Tommy told me…accidentally.”

“When do you see Tommy?”

“This morning at breakfast.”

“You’ve been here since this morning?” Adam’s voice was getting louder and he sat forward. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m telling you now.”

“That’s not an acceptable answer Kristopher.”

“Fine. I was on the same flight as your mom…”

“And I bet you were the nice seatmate she had.”

“Actually, yes. Anyway, I thought you should see her first and then I came to your room to talk but you were doing an interview with Ryan, and then you were off to MTV and then…

“…the PR meeting and the rehearsal…”

“…and I didn’t have a chance to see you until you got back.”

“So mom knew you were here and didn’t say anything.”

“I asked her not too.”

Adam was getting a little annoyed. “And then you saw Tommy and he didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah.”

“But Goliath knew you were here. He knew I had a visitor. Did he let you in?”

“Ah, no.”

“Who let you in Kris? Who else is in on this?”

This chat was not going the way he envisioned. “Monte gave me the key.”

“And how did he…no, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”

“He called me yesterday, to tell me about the GMA cancellation.”

“Why the fuck is he sticking his nose into my private life?” He got off the bed, fist clutching and unclutching.

“I asked him to keep an eye on you,” Kris whispered.

“What?”

“I said I asked him to keep an eye on you…for me.” Kris gathered his resolve. “I was worried about you Adam, after the AMA fiasco and then the drunk phone call and GMA cancellation and…”

“And you thought I was going to break. Well thanks a lot for the vote of confidence! Is there anyone in my life who doesn’t think I’m a screw up?!”

“We don’t think that.”

“Sure you do? You don’t trust that I can handle this! Poor Adam, he’s damaged goods, he’s so feeble minded after the attack that he can’t manage on his own anymore. Well, I’ll have you know I managing very fine on my own, thank…you…very…much! I’ve haven’t flipped out in over a month!” The look on Kris’ face told Adam he was missing something. “What? Why are you giving me that look?” His boyfriend hung his head. “Damn it, answer me!”

Goliath opened the door but Kris silently shooed him away.

“You had an episode last night.”

“That wasn’t an ‘episode’. I was drunk, plain and simple.”

“After you got drunk. After you were told about GMA canceling your appearance.”

“No … I would have remembered that!” Adam started pacing, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Monte called me when they were telling you. I don’t know exactly what you were doing after but he was worried and told me to come.”

“Well, it must have been the combo of the news and the drinks. No … no … it doesn’t sound like something to be worried about.”

“That was just the first time.”

Adam’s mouth opened then closed. Rubbing his neck, he sat down beside Kris. “I don’t think I want to hear this.”

“Do you remember anything from last night?”

“Um … I think …. no, Monte and G. were watching me…and I was naked…then throwing up. G. said I took a cold shower with my clothes on and Monte looked like he’d been run over by a truck. I didn’t want … couldn’t sleep. I remembered calling you … sorry by the way … and thinking about you and … the rest is all fuzz.”

“Monte called me at the airport; I was getting ready to board. He said you’d had another attack and we’re crying for me.”

Adam really couldn’t remember; it was like he was listening to a soap opera recap. “Was I saying anything?”

“You were curled up on the floor, covering your ears, yelling at people to leave you alone…you kept repeating you didn’t do anything wrong.” Kris wiped a tear from his eye, recalling how desperate Adam sounded. “Monte put the phone up to your ear and I talked you down. That’s all I know.”

“They didn’t tell you anymore?”

“No…and I didn’t ask.”

“Of course you wouldn’t; you’ve been there before – you know the drill.” Kris shifted over until their sides touched. “God, I don’t remember any of this. We’re in one vicious cycle aren’t we? All I want is to be in love with you but all I seem to give you is trouble.”

“Adam, that’s not true. No relationship is perfect.” Adam snorted at the understatement. “When people are in love, it’s more than sex and good times. It means being there for each other. I agree we’ve had more than our share of troubles lately but we can handle it – together. What I’m trying to say is that it’s okay that you want to deal with this on your own but you don’t have to. Please, let me help. I want to help you. I love you. And understand, if I get frustrated, I’m not frustrated with you, it’s the whole shitty thing.”

“I’m sorry I blew up at you. I seem to be apologizing a lot today. It’s not so hard; maybe I should just apologize for the whole AMA thing and move on.”

Kris kissed Adam’s ear. “You could, that would be the easy thing to do. But you won’t.”

“You’re right; I won’t. Do you think I should?”

“Oh, Adam…” Kris sighed, not sure he would like the answer.

“You do, don’t you? You think I should say I’m sorry.”

“It’s not my call and my opinion doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me.”

“I think…you should stay true to yourself. It’s not exactly something I would have done…in public anyway.” Adam’s eyes smiled. “If you were anything other than you, you wouldn’t be the man I’m in love with.”

Kris kissed Adam again, at the side of his neck. His eyes grazed over Adam’s hairline.

“Adam?”

“Mmmm?” he replied, his hand on Kris’ thigh.

“Do you know your scar is red?”

“It always has been red.”

“No babe, I’m mean really red … angry red.” Kris touched it gingerly and Adam flinched a little. Thinking back, he could recall Adam rubbing it from time to time as they argued. “Do you realize you’ve been rubbing it?”

“Have I? I hadn’t noticed.”

Kris held Adam close, his heart aching for his boyfriend. Adam turned in his arms, tasting Kris’ lips. He unbuttoned Kris’ shirt and slid it off his shoulders.

“Make love to me Kris,” Adam pleaded, his tired voice soft. Whenever Adam made this request, he wanted Kris to take the lead, to be in charge. Giving over control showed Kris how much Adam trusted and loved him.

Kris eased them down on the bed and he straddled Adam’s hips. He helped Adam remove his shirt and then peppered his chest with kisses. Adam closed his eyes and let himself just feel. Calloused finger teased his nipples and skimmed over his stomach. Kris slid off his legs, taking the sweatpants with him then he was engulfed in a moist, hot mouth, tongue swirling around, licking, sucking. He arched his back, groaning, his body enveloped in quivering bliss.

Moments later, Adam was on his stomach, squirming as fingers worked him open, tickled his prostate.

“P-please baby, now….now…”

Kris removed his fingers and slid in, the tight muscles fighting and squeezing him. They went slow, Adam breathing and relaxing, Kris entering tenderly. Finally, Kris was in and they stayed still, feeling like one entity, one being whole and complete. Kris covered Adam’s hands with his own and he began moving. He kissed Adam’s scar, tugged his earlobe with his teeth.

“I love you Adam,” he whispered, bringing them closer.

“I love you Kris.”

 

\--*--

 

Kris awoke to thrashing beside him. Adam was dreaming again, muttering in his sleep. 

“Sshhh, baby, you’re okay. I’m here,” Kris quietly told him, petting his hair. Adam calmed down and they settled back into sleep.

The alarm went off and Adam caught it before Kris woke up. He slipped out of bed, showered quickly and threw on some clothes. He didn’t have to worry about wardrobe and make up – that would be taken care of. He started leaving a note for Kris.

“Are you off?” a sleepy voice asked.

“Sorry to wake you.”

“That’s okay. You nervous?”

“A little, but it’s a good kind of nervous.”

Kris reached for the alarm. The sheet slid over his hips and Adam had to look away, fighting temptation.

“I’m setting this thing so I can watch you. Shit, where’s the ‘on” button?”

Adam took it from him and clicked the button. He then leaned down and gave Kris a kiss.

“What time is your flight?”

“Early tonight.”

“Can you squeeze me in before you go?”

“Of course, you know I love squeezing you. Good luck.”

“I don’t need luck; I have you.”


	24. “We look after each other.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Kris stretched out on his stomach across the bed, a fresh cup of hot green tea in his hands and a stale brownie on a napkin beside him. A little subconscious about lying around naked, he slipped on his underwear and put Adam’s plaid shirt back on. He lifted the collar and sniffed Adam’s cologne as the opening credits of The Early Show started.

The camera panned the crowd outside. One of the hosts commented that fans had started lining up as early as 3:00am to see Adam, fans from every state in the union and some who had come all the way from South Africa, Japan and Pakistan. The camera went to Adam and the band in the Green Room and he waved. He looked relaxed but the lighting in there sucked so it was hard to get a good look.

As the show went on, Adam had come outside a few times for little segments and at one point answered questions from his fans. Not one of them asked the AMAs, just about his background, training, his band, future touring – all the things Adam truly wanted to talk about. He looked wonderful in those black shiny pants and high collar coat, his hair a la Elvis and minimum make up. Adam looked strong and confident and beautiful.

As 7:30am rolled around, it was time for the first official TV sit down interview since that performance Sitting in that chair, he dominated the screen and held his own perfectly.

He admitted he got carried away but he didn’t intend to offend anybody. Adam said just like Idol, he guessed he had a tendency to divide people. Kris smiled, thinking how they had managed to close the personal gap between them – if the public only knew, many of them would probably be shitting bricks. Kris loved how Adam basically called out parents who complained about their children watching, that he was “not a babysitter; I’m a performer” and that the parents need to hold some responsibility for what their children watch.

Kris laughed when Adam said if he could do anything over it would be to sing it better. At the time, Kris had sensed he was off and he wasn’t surprised Adam thought so as well. Adam went on to discuss his lessons learned and he asked America not to judge him on one song, not to think he’s going to be like that every time. Kris laughed with Adam when he promised his performances this morning were family friendly. Great interview, Kris thought; he couldn’t be prouder.

The commercials took forever. Kris sat up, cross legged and started biting his nails, a nasty habit he picked up from Adam. This would be the first time Kris and the rest of the country were going to hear Adam sing “Whataya Want From Me” live. He’d heard the song on the CD and he cheered Adam for selecting it as his tell-me-what-the-hell-you’re-looking-for anthem. The show came back and Adam began. Kris was blown away. The lyrics, written months ago, could have been penned in the last 48 hours. When Adam sung about being a freak, Kris’s shook his head, mouthing silently ‘no you’re not, no you’re not’ and he wished the rest of the world could see Adam like Kris and his fans did. Kris didn’t care how foolish he sounded; when Adam belted out at the end ‘whataya want from me’, Kris yelled back at the television “You tell ‘em baby!”

Then the hosts brought up a special fan. Awww, Leila looked lovely. Harry mentioned to her that what amazed him about Adam’s fans outside the studio was that they were from all over the world, across the country, all ages, shapes and sizes and Harry asked Leila how she felt about her son having this connection with so many people. She simply said he is an inspiration. Harry asked Adam what kind of pressure that puts on him and he replied it was nothing a couple hundred shoulder pads couldn’t handle. God, Kris just wanted to jump through the screen and take Adam right then and there. 

“Music Again” was light and fun and Adam smiled through the entire performance, filling the cloudy day with his brand of sunshine. What the hell was wrong with him this morning, Kris sighed. I’ve turned into a 14 year old fan girl with a poetry fetish! The song ended and Adam ran out to his waiting fans, signing autographs. Kris scanned the group, trying to pinpoint anyone who looked like trouble. A couple of people looked off but everything seemed to go fine.

 

\--*--

 

Adam once more thanked the hosts and crew of The Early Show and jumped into his limo. Performing always excited him and having his boyfriend in town, wearing his shirt and nothing else, had given him a head start on the day.

“So, what’s next? The interview at the 92.3 Now studios?” he asked his publicist.

“That’s this afternoon, followed by the interview with Sirius XM.”

“Oh, I forgot about that one. Anything else this morning?”

He scanned over the day’s agenda. “Um, no. Looks like you have some downtime.”

Downtime indeed, Adam laughed to himself. “So I can go back to the hotel for some… rest then.”

“Yeah, sure, kick back and do whatever. But meet with your stylist at noon. We can’t have you in the same outfit for another taped interview.”

“Heaven forbid.”

Adam looked out the window as the limo started and stopped through traffic. He closed his eyes, remembering Kris beneath him, legs over Adam’s shoulders, writhing in pleasure as Adam pounded into his tight ass relentlessly. He could feel his cock getting big and hard. The limo was full of other people, including his mom, so he couldn’t just stick his hands down his pants. Instead, he crossed his legs and squeezed, his clenched fist in from of his mouth so he could bite it and muffle his groans.

He saw his mom to her room, kissed her cheek and the minute the door was closed, he whipped out his cell. He didn’t even let Kris get out a ‘hello’.

“Where are you?”

“In my hotel room.”

“Are you alone?”

“Uh-huh, but why….”

“Don’t….go….anywhere! I’m on my way.”

He snapped his phone shut.

“Thanks G. but I won’t need you for a while. Feel free to use my room, order whatever you want.”

“I don’t think I should Adam.”

“Please? I’m going to be with Kris. I’ll be fine. We don’t need you hanging outside the door.”

“I’ll walk you there then I’ll go. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Adam nearly sprinted down the hallway to Kris’ room. He knocked politely on the door and his groin throbbed when the wet, half naked man answered the door.

“Sorry, just got out of the shower.”

Adam turned to Goliath. “Thanks man, pick me up around noon.”

“No problem. Have fun.”

Goliath walked away and Adam invited himself in, closing and locking the door behind him.

“I thought I wouldn’t see you until this afternoon sometime?” Kris asked, turning away from Adam and drying his mop top with a towel. The next thing he knew, the towel around his waist was yanked off. He spun around laughing. “What, are we playing frat boys and you’re going to whip…me…with…it…”

Kris’ laughter faded as he saw fire dancing in the other man’s eyes. Adam’s eyes moved up and down, taking in the vision before him and he licked his bottom lip, smiling. Kris swallowed hard, feeling his temperature rise. Adam took a step forward, removing his jacket. Kris stepped back.

“How long do we have?” Kris croaked.

Adam pulled his shirt off next, tossing it on the floor. Kris took another step back. Adam started undoing his belt.

“A few hours anyway.”

“Good thing I’m stocked up. How about….”

Before Kris could finish his thought, Adam launched himself at Kris with all the gusto and joy of Tigger pouncing on Winnie the Pooh. They landed on the bed, bounced a few times then went right off the other side onto the floor in a tangled heap. They broke out into fits of giggles, hugging each other until their mouths met and the passion took over.

Time didn’t exist, just each other. At some point, they were both sprawled out on the floor, limbs everywhere, panting heavily.

“Owwww,” Kris half laughed, half groaned.

“Kris?”

“I think I’ve got rug burn on my butt.”

“It’s probably on your back; I had your butt up in the air.”

“True, true.”

Kris rolled onto his side, resting his head on Adam’s chest and playing with his belly button. “Not that I’m complaining, but what brought this on?”

“I’m happy.”

“And?”

Adam kissed Kris on the top of his head. “That all. I’m happy. You make me happy.”

Kris looked up and kissed Adam’s chin. “It’s easy when you make me happy too. Are you hungry?”

“Famished. All I’ve eaten today is dry muffins. Plus, I’ve just finished quite a workout.”

“Full breakfast it is.”

Half an hour later, they sat quietly like gentlemen at the table brought in by room service. Kris wiped up the egg yolk with his toast and Adam scooped up his home fries. It was all very civilized except for the fact they were still naked.

“So I won’t get to see you again before I leave tonight?”

“Afraid not. I forgot I had two interviews this afternoon.”

“Well, then, maybe I’ll book an earlier flight. I’ll just make myself miserable hanging around without you.”

“Aww, are you miserable without me?”

“You are the sunshine of my life.”

“How original Stevie Wonder.”

“If it fits, say it. What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

“Well, I’d love to see the parade but I don’t know how that will work. Mom and I are meeting Neil later at a restaurant, going to kill a bottle of wine or two and stuff ourselves like turkeys. How about you?”

“Same as every year. The family gathers at my parents’ home, mom puts on a full Southern spread…”

“Does she make homemade mac and cheese?”

“Sometimes.”

“I loovvveee mac and cheese!”

“I’ll ask for her recipe and make it for you. Better yet, maybe you can come for a visit sometime and she can make it herself.”

Adam stabbed his last home fry and contemplated it. “Does your family know about us?”

“Us?”

“You and me. That’s us.”

Kris avoided Adam’s eyes, instead munching a piece of bacon. “Sure, sure they do.”

“I mean, as more than friends. Kris, look at me.” Kris couldn’t refuse. He looked up into Adam’s understanding gaze. “Do they know you and I are in love?” he asked quietly.

“No, they don’t Adam. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry Kris, but you’re going to have to tell them sometime.”

“Not tomorrow. It’s the holiday and everything. It’s not the right time.”

“Baby, it’s never the right time to drop this kind of bombshell.”

“I know, it’s just…”

“You’re afraid of their reaction.”

“Kind of. You know my upbringing.”

“Your upbringing doesn’t make you gay.”

“But it makes in hard to, to….”

“Disappoint them. They love you Kris, you are their son. I don’t know your parents really well but you coming out isn’t going to change that. Of this I am sure.”

“I, ah, don’t suppose you’d like to come to Conway for the holiday? Your mom and Neil can come too.”

“Looking for reinforcements?”

“Just a thought.”

Adam got up from his seat and knelt beside his boyfriend. He rested a hand on Kris’ knee and brushed Kris’ hair with his other hand.

“Take your time baby. When the time is right for you, you’ll know.”

Kris gave Adam an adorable half smile. “Who’s looking after who this time?”

“We look after each other.” Adam glanced over at the clock. “The hot sex on the rug was mind blowing but we still have time before I leave….”

Kris got up and holding Adam’s hand, led him to the bed. All the passion was still there but it was tempered with love, slow and sweet.

 

\--*--

 

“Kristopher! Kristopher! Here! Over here!”

Kris juggled his luggage and craned his neck, looking over the crowd, trying to pin down the voice. Then he saw them.

“Mama! Daddy!”

Kim and Neil Allen pushed their way through the other holiday travelers to their son. Kris dropped his bags and enjoyed being welcomed into the fold again. His mom rained kisses all over his face and his dad, sounding a little annoyed, told her to stop smothering the boy. But as soon as Kim let him go, Neil planted his own kisses on his son.

“It’s wonderful to have you home son,” his dad announced, patting Kris on the back like he was trying to burp him.

“Even if it’s just for a few days,” Kim added.

“Mama,” Kris chided. 

“I know, I know, you’re very busy with the album. But I get to milk as much out of this visit as I can.”

“I expected you would.”

Neil picked up Kris’ things and the trio headed for the parking lot.

“So, how’s Adam?” Kim asked innocently.

Kris stopped in his tracks. “How do you know I saw Adam?”

Kim stopped as well, looking at him, a little confused. “Well, isn’t he the reason you were in New York before coming home? To see how he’s handling all of this, you know, with his….issues?”

Kris didn’t like the way that sounded but he knew his mom meant no harm. His parents loved Adam – just not as much as he did.

“He had a couple of episodes initially but he’s doing much better now. He’s having Thanksgiving with his mom and brother.”

“Oh Neil, we should have invited them down. I bet they’re going to a restaurant, aren’t they?”

“As a matter of fact…”

“I’m sure the food will be fine but a holiday like Thanksgiving should be spent with home cooking and in the company of loved ones.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Kris replied. “I asked him if they wanted to come but Adam didn’t want to intrude.”

“Well another time then.”

The drive home was relaxing. He forgot how open everything was here; he’d spent so much time in Los Angeles and New York lately that he didn’t realize how much he missed open green space that wasn’t manicured within an inch of its life. His dad told him there was a stack of messages waiting for him in his room. As soon as his friends found out he was coming home for a few days, everyone wanted to get together with him. In the end, Daniel had arranged for them all to meet in one location, Kris’ favorite bar, so he wouldn’t spend more time driving around than visiting.

He had a light dinner at home and then Daniel showed up and dragged him to his welcome home party. The bar was packed; Kris didn’t think he had this many friends. There were a few new faces in the crowd, probably new boyfriends and girlfriends and the odd fan who managed to sneak in but one face stood out amongst the rest; the one face he most wanted to see – his high school sweetheart Katy.

Katy spotted him over her shoulders and flew to him. He caught her in his arms and swung her around as best he could in the crowded room. Kris put her down and she laid a wet one on him.

“Oh my gosh Kris! I haven’t seen you since your Homecoming during Idol. You look wonderful.”

“You too Katy, you too. Marriage agrees with you. Sorry I missed the wedding.”

“Oh Krissy, you were on tour, it couldn’t be helped. Thanks for the beautiful bedding. I’ve never felt cotton sheets so soft and luxurious.”

“Egyptian cotton. A friend told me they can’t be beat.”

As they talked, they were bumped left and right by revelers going to and from the bar.

“Kris, let’s find some place less busy to chat.”

“Rich won’t mind?”

“Nah, he knows we have a history but he’s cool with it.”

“Does he know everything about our history?”

Katy touched his arm. “No, he doesn’t know about that. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone and I haven’t. Look there’s an empty booth, let’s grab it.”

The pushed their way through the bar, stopping every few steps for someone to say hello to Kris. Finally, they reached the booth and slid it. Katy took Kris’ hands in hers.

“So, how are you, really?”

“Oh, great. The CD tour has been a lot of fun. Recording was everything I imagined it would be. And I’ve had a chance to tour the country.”

“Krissy, you know I’m not talking about that. How are YOU?”

“Honestly?”

“Is there any other way?”

In their senior year of high school, Kris first noticed he was attracted to guys and he was shocked that when he finally fessed up to Katy, she said she had already known. He was afraid back then that she’d hate him but she loved him all the more afterwards; they ended their romance in a good place.

Kris squeezed her hands. “Never better in my life Katy. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been; although there have been some speed bumps, but I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“And I’m guessing a tall, dark, Californian with the voice of an angel has everything to do with it?”

Kris couldn’t hold back any more. The dam burst and he told her everything about him and Adam and their life together. Katy sat there beaming, thrilled he had finally found someone to love him the way he deserved. He told her about the tough times too - the uncertainties, the challenges, the PTSD and how it had pulled them apart and brought them back together. They spent the remainder of the night together, talking about their lives now and then, and wishes for the future. It wasn’t until Daniel came to tell them the bar was closing that Kris realized it had gotten late. He looked at his watch. It was nearly 1:00am.

“Ah shit, I missed it!”

“What? What did you miss?”

“Adam’s appearance on Letterman. He taped it Monday but it was airing tonight. Damn, I promised him I’d watch it.”

“He’ll understand, won’t he?”

“Of course he will. Adam would tell me spending time with family and friends is more important.”

“I only know Adam through what I’ve seen on TV and what you’ve told me, but I really, really, really like him.”

“Me too.”

The bar had cleared out and Daniel waited for his brother by the truck while Kris said goodbye to his friends. They were quiet most of the ride home.

“You seemed to have fun.”

“Ah Danny, it was great. Thanks for arranging it.”

“Don’t mention it. You and ah, Katy, spent a lot of time alone tonight.”

“Don’t even think about it, we’re taken.”

“We?” Danny exclaimed, shock evident in his voice. “Are you hiding someone from the family?”

Shitty, shit, shit!

“No, what I meant was, that um, she’s married, she has Rich, and I, ah, I’m married to my career. No, no time for romance.”

“That’s too bad. You’re not such a bad catch you know?”

“Ah gee, Danny, thanks a heap!”

The pick up pulled into their parents drive way and Kris hopped out.

“See you tomorrow. Thanks again.”

“Woah now, you aren’t getting rid of me so quickly.” Danny turned off the truck. “I have to pick up something from dad”

“At 1:40 in the morning?”

“Yeah, I forgot earlier and I need it! You have a problem?” Danny joked.

“No, sure, whatever. Better you waking them up than me.”

They went into the house to find their parents still up, watching Jimmy Fallon.

“Did you have fun boys?” Kim asked, curled up in her favorite chair and coddling a hot drink.

“A blast,” Kris replied through a yawn. “It’s been a long, crazy day. I’m heading upstairs, see y’all in the morning.”

“Night son. Oh, and by the way, we know Adam was on TV tonight. We taped it so you can watch your friend in the morning.”

Kris almost cried. “Thanks, I really wanted to see that. Night Dad, night Mama.”

Once Kris had disappeared upstairs, Danny turned to his Dad. “I need those tools you promised to loan me.”

“At 1:50 in the morning?”

“Well, if I don’t get them now I’ll forget.”

“Alright, already, wait here,” Neil grumbled, heading downstairs to his workshop.

In a split second, Danny was kneeling beside his mom, lowering his voice.

“I think Kris has a girlfriend.”

“Did he tell you outright?”

“Nah, but he let it slip that he had something – or someone – important in his life but he’s keeping quiet.”

“Oh wouldn’t that be wonderful? I was so disappointed he and Katy didn’t get married but maybe there’s still a chance for grandchildren in my future.”

“Well, I’m doing my part!”

“Danny boy, you know what I mean. And by the way, I appreciate your efforts – I’m sure you wife does too.”

“Mama!”

Neil returned and Danny got out of the house and the conversation as fast as he could. Kim and Neil locked the door, turned off the TV and lights and headed to bed. On the way to their bedroom, Kim made a detour to the linen closet.

“Kris has probably gotten used to that warm LA weather. He’ll need an extra blanket I’m sure. Go on Neil, I’ll be right behind you.”

Neil kissed her on the cheek and headed into their room. Kim raised her hand to knock on her son’s door when she heard him talking, more than likely to someone on the phone. Could it be the special someone? She knocked and the talking stopped.

“Come in.”

Kim opened the door and came in. “I brought you another blanket.” She set it on the foot of the bed. Kris was holding his cell phone, covering the speaker.

“Thanks, I’ll need it.”

“I thought so. Nighty-night.”

“Night.”

She closed the door but not all the way. Maybe it was his new lady on the phone. Maybe she could get a name.

“I’m back. It was my mom with a blanket…..yeah, I will get cold without you here to keep me warm….no, no, it still smarts but next time we make love, let’s stick to the bed okay, or a least a bearskin rug….”

Kim felt ashamed for eavesdropping on Kris’ phone call, particularly as it was a very intimate call, but curiosity was winning over courtesy.

“I better let you get some sleep; your day’s been busier than mine….Can’t wait, yeah me too….with all my heart….”

Kim leaned in, certain the name of the mystery lady was on the tip of her son’s tongue.

“….with all my heart….Adam.”

The call ended and Kris’ light went out. Kim rested her head against the wall. No, she must have heard the conversation wrong. It, it wasn’t what it sounded like. It was exactly what it sounded like….a bedtime conversation between lovers….her son and the love of his life…her son and Adam Lambert.

In a daze, Kim Allen walked down the hall, passing the open door to her bedroom.

“Kim, honey, where are you going?”

She backed up and stuck her head in the room. “Go to sleep Neil, I’m just getting a coffee.”

“But you just finished a coffee.”

“A tea then. Don’t wait up.”

In the kitchen, she filled and plugged in the kettle, dropped a teabag in a mug and sat at the table, staring at the packaged tea leaves, looking for an answer. She had never imagined having to face this. They loved Adam like a third son and she thought Kris loved him like a brother but apparently it went much deeper then that…much, much deeper. The kettle whistled and shut itself off but Kim didn’t notice. How, what, when, where and why, why didn’t their son tell them. She didn’t know where to turn for the answers. She couldn’t go to her husband. She didn’t dare go to Kris until she knew what she was feeling. There was one person, only one person she knew of who could answer the questions she had.

She fingered through their address book and found the number she was looking for. Kim let the phone ring countless times, knowing the other party would be asleep. Finally, they picked up.

“Hi, it’s Kim.”

“Kim! Oh my God, did something happen? Why are you calling me at 2:00 in the morning?”

“Leila, I need to talk.”


	25. “Did those dreams include him being happy?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

“Leila, I need to talk.”

“It must be important if it couldn’t wait til daylight.”

Kim looked at the time. “Oh, I’m sorry, I should have realized. I’m just so…confused right now, I…”

“Kim, Kim, its fine.” Kim could hear the smile in Leila’s voice. “How can I help?”

“I did something tonight that I am so ashamed of – I, I invaded Kris’ privacy and heard something he obviously doesn’t want me know about.”

There was silence on the other end.

“Leila?”

More silence.

“Oh my dear Lord, you knew about this didn’t you? You knew about Adam and Kris?”

“Yes…I know.”

“I…how…but…,” Kim stuttered, her brain conflicted. More than anything she was hurt that Kris wouldn’t share something this big with her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“They’re grown men; it wasn’t my place. I know it’s a shock.”

“Not for you obviously.” The resentment in Kim’s voice was thinly veiled.

“Adam didn’t tell me, I figured it out.”

“How? What were the signs? It is serious?”

“Kim, I don’t know if I should…”

“Please Leila, I’m floundering here…sorry, but this goes against everything I was brought up to believe, everything Kris was brought up to believe. I want to support him, I do, but I need to understand!”

“Well, you know they seemed to hit it off right away, became good friends when they moved into the Idol mansion.”

“Into the same room.”

“Yeah, but I can say with certainty nothing happened between them when they were on the show…it developed later.”

“After the attack.”

“Once Adam let Kris be there for him, your son became his lifeline in many ways. He seems to be the only person who can get through to Adam when he’s lost in one of his episodes and he’s helped Adam deal with it on his own but he’s still there when he’s needed.”

“Like yesterday, in New York.”

“I don’t know the details – and I didn’t ask – however, when they parted, they were in a very good place.”

Kim weighed her words before continuing. “I, ah, know they are, I assume from what I heard, that they have been…intimate. Is it, I mean, is it just physical or is there love there?”

“I really think these are things you need to discuss with Kris.”

“You’re right, I’m just blown away. Half an hour ago I thought Kris had a new girlfriend and I was imaging grandbabies in my future and then I find out he has a boyfriend instead and all my dreams for him flew out the window.”

“Did those dreams include him being happy?”

“Of course they did!”

“Then he’s fulfilling your dream. They make each other happy and in my book, that’s all that counts.”

“So what should I do? Should I tell him I know or let him tell me in his own time?”

“Let him come to you.”

“What about Neil? Should I tell him?”

“Let Kris do it.”

“Okay.”

“I hope I was able to help.”

“You were. Can I call you again sometime?”

“Any time Kim. Try and get some rest. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Leila.”

Kim unplugged the kettle and headed to bed. Neil was asleep and she carefully crawled in beside him. Her husband turned to her in his sleep and pulled her close. Kim lay there, imagining Kris and Adam in bed like this. It was hard but she could do it, if she really tried. It was uncomfortable to imagine yet thinking of her boy being alone for the rest of his life was worse.

 

\--*--

 

The call of nature woke Kris up and then he couldn’t get back to sleep. He curled up under the blankets, running his hand over an expanse of empty mattress, missing Adam like he would miss breathing. He thought about their conversation over breakfast before they parted ways. The notion of telling his parents he was gay terrified him. They weren’t as puritanical as some members of their Church but they did not accept homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle. His parents liked Adam, but as Kris’ friend; how would they react to him and Adam when they found out the young men were lovers. His imagination ran the gamut from acceptance to pain to hate. 

Kris found his cell buried in the covers and scrolled to a picture of the two of them. They were shoulder to shoulder and that was the most intimate image he dared have out there. One morning, after waking up together, Adam had taken a picture of the two of them lounging in bed and as much as Kris loved that photo, he deleted it. They couldn’t risk having it fall into the wrong hands, not until they were ready to let the world in on their romance. Setting the phone on the pillow beside his head, Kris gazed at the image and let his hand trail down between his legs. He didn’t try to arouse himself; he just wanted to feel some physical contact, some sense of intimacy even if his partner was only a pixilated collection of dots on a computerized screen.

He thought about telling his parents. Adam had been right when he said there was no good time to drop the bombshell. Their extended family was coming over for Thanksgiving and he certainly didn’t want to share with an audience so during dinner was out. He could tell his mom in the morning while grating cheddar for the mac and cheese but then she’d be a mess during the dinner and that would make others ask her what’s wrong and then it might come out. So, okay, telling them in the morning wasn’t a good idea either. After dinner, he could tell them but his mom would be exhausted, fussing over the cleanup and his dad would be snoring from his annual turkey overdose so after dinner was out.

It seemed everything was ‘out’ for Thanksgiving except Kris.

Scrolling through his downloads, Kris listened to Adam singing “Broken Open”. They had been in bed after a wonderful reunion in Florida when Adam first played this song for him. It had been written about them, about having someone to fall apart with who would keep all the pieces together. 

Kris gently stroked himself and his other hand slid over his shoulder, up his neck and into his hair. He closed his eyes and petted himself. His skin tingled under his ministrations and he quickened the pace on his swollen cock. Kris tightened the hold on his hair, yanking his head back and chewing on his bottom lip. He cried out Adam’s name like a wounded animal and when he came, Kris pressed his face into his pillow, body convulsing and heart pounding. Sated and cocooned in the fantasy of his lover, Kris fell back asleep to Adam’s lullaby.

 

\--*--

The next morning, Kim threw herself into preparing Thanksgiving Dinner. Aside from a little small talk with her husband and son, she limited her conversation to instructions and orders directed at her assistant chefs. Neil peeled every root vegetable known to man and Kris grated cheese and watched the boiling pots on the stoves. Neil slipped away from KP duty unnoticed, leaving his son to deal with the crazy woman who inhabited their home on major holidays. 

Kris was the official greeter as everyone wanted to talk to him anyway. Traffic increased in the kitchen as helping hands offered their services to present the feast. A non stop line of waiters carried out delectable dishes until the table groaned. The football game forgotten for the time being, everyone gathered together and held hands of grace.

It was a tradition in the Allen family to go around the table and have each guest offer at least one but no more than three things they were thankful for. Naturally, Kris was thankful for his family and his success on Idol. He was also thankful for Adam but that remained a silent prayer. Kim was the last to offer her gratitude.

“It has been a year of blessings and trials. I’m thankful for my family and pray that we can overcome our disappointments. Amen.”

The circle was broken as everyone dove in. Kris dropped his hands in his lap and stared at his mom. She wouldn’t look him in the eye and he could see the tight lines in her forehead and around her mouth. Kris broke out in a cold sweat and excused himself. He ran out the back door and behind the garage. He crouched on his knees, forehead resting on his clasped hands. Taking deep breathes, he turned on his cell and dialed.

 

\--*--

 

Adam, his mom and his brother had just been led to their table and were scanning the wine list when Adam’s cell vibrated. He took it out and his face lit up.

“Kris?” his mom guessed.

Adam nodded like a goof.

“Take it outside before I loose my appetite,” Neil commented. Adam got up, smacked his brother upside the back of his head and went looking for some privacy.

“Happy Thanksgiving baby!” 

“I think she knows,” Kris declared, his voice small and shaking.

“What? Kris, I can’t hear you.”

“I think she knows.”

“Who knows what?”

Adam heard Kris’s voice catch. “My Mama, I think she knows I’m gay.”

“You think. You don’t know for sure?”

“Oh God, Adam, what if she does know? What am I going to do?”

“Take it easy baby. What makes you think she knows?”

“Something she said during grace, about dealing with disappointments. And she barely talked to me this morning and she won’t look me in the eye. I just know she knows!”

“I think you’re jumping way ahead of yourself. She could have been talking about anything Kris. Don’t panic. Where are you now?”

“Behind the garage.”

“I’ll tell you what you should do - get your ass back in the house, enjoy your mom’s fabulous cooking, catch up with your relatives and when it’s all over, you sit down with her and tell her.”

“Okay, I … I can do that. I guess I have no choice.”

“Not anymore. If you don’t say something to her now, it’s going to drive you nuts and one mental case in this relationship is enough.”

Kris couldn’t help but laugh. “Thanks Adam, I needed that. I love you.”

“I love you too and call me tonight, let me know how it went.”

Kris hung up and Adam joined his family again just as the bottle of Chianti was served.

“How’s Kris?” his mom asked, sipping the fine vintage.

“He’s freaking out right now. He thinks his mom has figured out he’s gay.”

“She has,” Leila stated bluntly.

Adam spilled his wine.

 

\--*--

Kris watched his mom the entire afternoon. She didn’t look at him, she didn’t talk to him. Even his dad noticed, trying to draw the two of them into a conversation and she wouldn’t take the bait. Neil patted his son on the back, offering him a supportive smile. This was quickly going down as the worst Allen family Thanksgiving Dinner. Kris couldn’t take it anymore and excused himself. He was heartsick.

He went to his room and sat in silence, rehearsing what he would say to his parents. He could beat around the bush but the direct approach was the best way. It was also the hardest way. All he could do was admit who he was, show them he wasn’t ashamed, and tell them that he had never been happier than he was with Adam.

An hour or so later, his dad came upstairs to tell him their guests were leaving. Kris apologized to everyone and promised to keep in touch. When the reception line of hugs and kisses came to an end and it was just the three of them again, Neil closed the door, locked it, and turned to his family, face severe.

“Alright, I’ve had enough! That was the rudest display of hospitality this family has ever shown. I don’t know what the hell is going on between you two but it stops here, now! No one is going anywhere or doing anything until this is settled.” He pointed to the couch. “Sit!”

Kim and Kris sat on the couch and Neil stood over them, arms crossed, waiting.

“Well? Who’s going first?”

Mother and son looked at each other, both of them scared of opening their mouths.

“Can’t decide? Alright, I’ll choose. Kim.”

Kim pulled on her fingers in her lap. She looked away from her son as she made her confession. “I, um, invaded your privacy Kris and I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“My privacy? I don’t understand…”

“Last night, after I brought you the extra blanket, I stayed outside your door and listened to your phone conversation.”

“Kim! How could you?” Neil couldn’t hold his tongue.

“Neil, please, this is hard enough without having to defend myself to you as well.”

Neil pursed his lips together and stepped back, taking a seat on the other side of the room.

“I, that is, Danny said he thought you had a new girlfriend,” Kim continued, “and I was just so excited that you were seeing someone and I wanted to hear her name.”

“Her name.”

She looked at her son and recoiled a bit at the shame she read on his face.

“But I didn’t hear her name.”

“No,” Kris concluded, tears pooling in his eyes, “you heard his name.”

She started crying as well and nodding, looking anywhere in the room but at her son or husband. “Adam. I heard you talking to Adam.”

“How … how much did you hear?”

“Everything you said after you thought I left.”

“I see.” Kris got up and walked to the fireplace, looking at the family photos that covered the mantle. “I should have told you both myself but I didn’t know how you’d react.”

“Is this the kind of reaction you expected?” Kim asked.

“I don’t know what I really expected. I didn’t mean to hurt you, to disappoint you.”

“Disappoint me?” Kim came to her son’s side and grabbed his hand. “You could never disappoint me son. How could you think that?”

Kris’ tears flowed freely. “All day, you’ve barely talked to me, you wouldn’t look at me and then during the blessing, you prayed for help to overcome your disappointments. I know you, both of you, didn’t see this coming. I didn’t really see this coming. No, that’s a lie. I knew in high school that I was different, that I was gay, but I never foresaw someone like Adam coming into my life.”

“Sweetheart, I’m not disappointed in you; I’m disappointed in myself for not being open enough for you to come to me with something like this.”

“I never knew how to tell you. I was always waiting for the right time but there is no right time to do this; Adam told me that.”

“He’s right. Can I ask you? Is it serious?”

A smile brightened his face, a smile unlike anything Kim had ever seen on his handsome face. “Yes Mama, it is serious. We’re in love, deeply and honestly and happily.”

“Are, are you two being….safe?”

Kris blushed again but this time he laughed softly. “Yes, we are. Every time.”

This whole time, Neil hadn’t said anything; he just sat quietly in his referee’s chair. Kris walked over to his Dad, feeling like he was five years old and had to tell his daddy he broke the window with his baseball.

“Dad, I know you must be mad at me…”

“You have no idea what I’m feeling right now Kristopher.”

“…and I always wanted to be a man you could proud of.”

Neil stood up and looked down at his oldest boy. He lightly set his hands on his son’s shoulders and his voice caught in his throat. “Kristopher, I couldn’t be more proud of you than I am right now. You are a brave and strong man, living your life on your terms, and while I’m not going to pretend I understand this kind of love, I want you to be happy and at peace with yourself and your life. If sharing your life with a man is what you want, I’m behind you.”

Kim joined them, hugging her son from behind. “I feel the same way Kris.”

They held each other in silence until Neil couldn’t hold back. “About Adam?”

“Yes dad.”

“You tell him I had secretly wished for a third son – and now I have a one…”

“…and I have a daughter I can share make-up tips with.”

Neil and Kris turned to look at her, at the serious expression on her face and then the facial muscles twitched and the tension blew out of the house.

“Just keep your make up locked away when he comes to visit,” Kris advised about his boyfriend. “He was forever digging into his mom’s when he was a kid until she got him his own.”

 

\--*--

 

Adam drank a little more wine than he had intended at dinner. He’d been so concerned about Kris, and frustrated that his mom wouldn’t share info from the mom/mom conference, that he lost track of how many glasses he emptied. Only when he bumped into a waiter on the way out did he realize he’d overdone it.

He couldn’t sleep. Adam was afraid that the alcohol would intensify his suppressed memories and give him nightmares, nightmares that Kris couldn’t help him with. However, the main reason he couldn’t sleep was worrying about his boyfriend. He had every light on, the TV and the radio, drinking cup after cup of coffee trying to stay awake. He’d changed into his night clothes but hadn’t taken the time to shower and clean his face in case Kris called. Many people had told Adam his coming out was one of the most painless stories they had ever heard. Adam admitted he’d been very lucky, having such liberal parents. He also knew his experience wasn’t the norm. Kris’ Christian upbringing could make his parents go either way. Adam wasn’t really a praying man, looking more to the Universe for answers than to God, but he prayed tonight, not for himself but for his baby. 

Adam couldn’t wait any longer. The phone rang and rang and then voice mail picked up.  
“Hey baby, I’m worried about you. Please call when you can. Love you.”

Ten seconds later his phone rang.

“How’d it go?”

“Pretty well. We spent a lot of time talking but I think we’re going to be okay.”

“Oh baby, I’m so happy for you. I wish I could be there to help you celebrate.”

“So do I. We talked a lot about you.”

“Oh?”

“My folks said you are to consider yourself a part of the family.”

“Does this mean I have to wear plaid?”


	26. "I killed him ... I killed him ... I killed him ..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this will be an emotional chapter but have faith in them.

Friday morning, Adam flew back to Los Angeles. Kris was coming back that night and Adam was going to meet him at the airport. It had been wonderful spending the holiday with his mom and brother, and Kris had certainly had a holiday breakthrough in telling his parents about them but now it was time to get back to everyday life and each together.

After Goliath dropped him off at home and checked the place over to make sure no one was hiding out or had taken anything, Adam unpacked his things and fixed a long hot bubble bath. Settling in, he remembered their time together in New York and smiled. Eyes closed, he recalled their make out session on the floor that left Kris with carpet burns on his back. As he reminisced, he touched himself and started rubbing, whispering Kris’ name.

Just as he’d gotten a good rhythm going, his phone rang. Adam waited for the voice mail to pick up so he could hear who was calling. It would have to be pretty important to get him to stop….

“Hey Adam, are you home yet?”

Adam jumped out of the tub, covered only by bubbles, and ran to the phone.

“Baby, hey, I miss you.”

“I miss you too lover. Did you have a good flight back?”

“Could have been better. You know, we haven’t joined the Mile High Club yet!”

Kris laughed. “Right to the sexy punch line. God, I love you.”

“Me too. Say, I was thinking after I pick you up, we could go out for dinner before coming back here. There’s this really discreet café off of Sunset…”

“That’s why I called; I’m not coming home tonight.”

“You’re not?” Adam sat down on the couch, wet ass and all.

“Mama asked me to stay a few more days. We, ah, still have a lot to talk about, to work out. And I haven’t told Daniel yet. He’s coming over in the morning. I hope you aren’t mad.”

“Mad? Why would I be mad? I know better than anyone that you can’t just say ‘mom, dad, I’m gay, see ya’. Take as long as you need.” He paused before adding. “How long will you need?”

“I have some interviews coming up so I can’t stay any longer than Thursday.”

“Thursday?” That was nearly a week later! 

“If you need me back sooner, I’m sure I could do that. I’ll talk to my folks….”

“No, no, baby, you stay. I’m good.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah, my mom’s nearby and I’ve got Goliath and Monte and the band, among others. I’ll survive til you come home.”

“You know you can call be anytime, right? Screw the time zones, just call if you need me.”

“I will baby. Enjoy your visit and good luck. I love you.”

“I love you too Adam. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Adam looked at the phone and tossed it to the other side of the couch. Kris didn’t wish him luck on his Ellen appearance for Monday. Oh well, Kris had a lot on his mind and Adam was sure he’d watch, if he remembered, and wasn’t busy with his family, and old friends. Tired of feeling sorry for himself, he headed back to the now lukewarm bath. Just as he reached the tub, the phone rang again. He ran back to the couch.

“Kris?”

“Sorry to disappoint.” It was his publicist. “Now that you’re back in LA, we need to discuss your schedule for this week. Tonight, we have….”

She babbled on and Adam made acknowledging grunts and mutters, heading to the bathroom, phone attached to his ear, and pulling the plug, relaxation time over.

 

\--*--

 

Damage control picked up Friday night and didn’t stop. Two meetings Friday night, more on Saturday, more on Sunday, The Ellen Show on Monday, more interviews and demands on Tuesday. Even Goliath was getting worn down by the schedule and by Tuesday morning needed some time off. G didn’t want to leave him but Adam insisted, telling him he needed to listen to his body and rest.

Adam, on the other hand, wouldn’t heed his own advice. He’d slept every night but he would wake up more tired in the morning then he’d been going to bed. Four nights of this vicious pattern left him edgy, irritable, picky and easily angered. On top of it all, his fan encounters were growing and he couldn’t seem to go anywhere without running into someone who wanted to shake his hand or hug him or want a picture or an autograph. The paps were everywhere too. If there was one or two, they were pretty respectful but when a gaggle of them got together, it got really intense, lights flashing in his eyes, voices yelling out to him from all sides. 

His mom came to his home during the day to help out, fixing him meals when he wasn’t eating out and cleaning the place. Adam was usually pretty tidy and Leila noticed as the week wore on, his home was getting messier and messier. She’d make his bed every morning after he left, nice and neat, and the next morning, she’d find the sheets and pillows on the floor, all twisted up. A disturbing trend she noticed was his pillow case being damp. She was sorely tempted to call Kris in Arkansas but she didn’t want to interfere. Kris had been calling every night anyway and he was pretty astute; hopefully he was picking up on the lackluster tone in Adam’s voice. 

When Adam did come home to eat, he’d pick at his food and keep to himself. Leila would ask about his day and all she got was one word answers. Tuesday night, over dinner, Leila asked if he wanted her to stay the night. 

“I don’t need a babysitter,” he mumbled, playing with his salad.

“I know that son; I just thought you might want some company.”

“I’ve had nothing but company! When I’m home, I want to be alone.”

“Okay, I just thought…”

Adam pushed his chair away from the table and exploded. “Just leave me the fuck alone! I don’t need you running my life too!”

Both Lamberts froze. Adam had never spoken to his mom like that before and the shock on her face hit him like a punch to the stomach. 

“Mom, mom, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I said that.” He couldn’t look her in the face and to his own ears, he sounded pathetic.

Leila got up and cleared the table, saying nothing.

“I’m just … I’m so tired of being told what to do and where to stand and what to say and not say. I need my space … I need my privacy … I need my….”

“Kris. You need Kris,” Leila concluded, her voice even but tight.

“I don’t want to NEED him, but I miss him so much and just want to curl up beside him and tune out the rest of the world.”

“Have you told him this?” she asked, sitting back down at the table.

Adam hung his head, playing with his napkin. “No. He needs this time with his family. Coming out’s been rough on him, even though he won’t admit it.”

“Just like you won’t admit that you want him here. Isn’t this the same thing that got between the two of you last time – not admitting you needed his help?”

“He’ll be back in two days. I can hold on til then,” he half laughed and his mom’s face brightened a little. “Really mom, I don’t need you to stay. I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll just clean up the dishes and go.”

“Nah, just leave them. I’ll do them later…as penance for sassing my mommy.”

They hugged and Leila left him alone, promising to stop by in the morning – if he wanted her to. 

He did. 

Adam left the dishes by the sink and headed into his bedroom. He stripped down and showered then started digging through his closet for tomorrow’s wardrobe. Standing in front of his full length mirror, he held up outfit after outfit and nothing seemed right. Reaching the end of his vast collection, now piled up on the floor, he looked at himself – no makeup, no products, no clothes, just him. Adam didn’t like what he saw.

Starting at the top, he parted his damp hair, looking at his roots. Then he decided his hair was getting too long. Next, he poked at his face; all this stress was causing breakouts that not even his best concealer could cover it up. He smacked himself under the chin with the back of his hand, seeing the flesh wobble and he looked at the rest of his body. You’re getting flabby Glambert, he chided himself, although if he asked anyone else, they’d tell him he was getting too skinny. He twisted his arm, seeing the faint outline of bruises from his bodyguard. Goliath didn’t realize how hard he was grabbing Adam as he helped direct him away from the crowds that constantly surrounded him now. Adam hadn’t said anything; he was just glad to have the big guy there to protect him. He turned around, trying to see the back of his neck. He’d rubbed it raw; the scary thing being he didn’t realize he was doing it until something like a necklace or collar landed on it and stung.

After he stopped insulting himself, Adam threw on some sweats and crawled exhausted into bed. He grabbed his cell and called Kris. It went straight to voice mail.

“Hey baby, it’s your neurotic boyfriend again – ha ha, just kidding.” He wasn’t. “Hope you had a great day, mine was same old same old. Can’t wait to see you in a few days. Do you want me to meet you at the airport? Let me know, I’ll arrange it no problem. I miss you Kris. I love you. Good night.”

 

\--*--

 

Kris had been on his way through security at the airport and his phone was in the basket with his other personal affects. He’d just arrived at LAX, having decided he couldn’t stay away from Adam any longer.

He spent a lot of time debating with himself whether he should go straight to Adam’s house – he had his own key and the security code – or if he should go back to his place and see Adam in the morning. In the end, Kris decided to go home to his apartment. It was rather late and Adam had sounded wiped the last time they talked, even if he wouldn’t admit it. He’d let Adam sleep and they could reunite over breakfast.

Once in the cab, he listened to Adam’s message. He really sounded worn out. Yeah, this was the right thing to do; one more night apart wouldn’t kill him.

 

\--*--

 

The theater was full of shouting people, their faces twisted and grotesque. The curtains were drawn back and Adam was lowered to the ground from the catwalk above. His legs folded on the floor until the strings were pulled taunt and he wobbled and clicked across the stage, his arms flopping. He was maneuvered behind a table and directed onto a chair. Before him was a stack of papers and his hand was manipulated into taking a pen and signing everything in front of him. The audience laughed.

When he had finished, the table and chair were whisked off the stage and Adam was led back to the center. The front row of gawkers stood up and ordered him around.

“Adam, to your left, to your left!”

He was turned to his left.

“Adam, to your right, to your right!”

He was turned to his right.

“Adam, dance for us!”

The strings tugged and his feet clip clopped on the floor, his muscles jelly.

“Adam, sing for us!”

Jaw creaking, his mouth opened and closed, opened and closed, not matching the music that filled the theater. His lips were stiff, his tongue fused to his teeth and his eyes unblinking.

“Adam, tell us about the AMA’s. Why did you do it? Why won’t you apologize?”

Tired of being a puppet, he fought the manipulations with all his strength. His handlers tried to make him say things he didn’t believe. Adam clenched his jaw and wouldn’t let them open him up. A stage worker came out with a can of oil and lubricated his mouth joints, apologizing for the delay. Once more, they tried to make him do what they wanted and he used any control he had not to give in.

The audience started booing, throwing rotten tomatoes and stones. With one huge tug, Adam was yanked back into the air and piled up on the catwalk. Angry arms grabbed his shoulders and shook him; being made of wood with no backbone, his head flopped everywhere.

“What the fuck are you doing? You’ll do what we tell you! You belong to us…you’re just a puppet, just a puppet, just a puppet…..”

 

\--*--

 

“Kris, you’re home! Oh sweetie, come here.”

Leila gave the young man on Adam’s doorstep a huge hug. Kris returned the embrace, happy to see her too – and more than a little surprised.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Kris commented as she brought him inside.

“Didn’t my son tell you? I’ve been helping out on the home front the last few days. He’s been so busy and distracted with his career that I’ve been lending a hand. He won’t admit it, you know Adam, but I think he appreciates it.”

“I know he does. Is it out? Around here somewhere?”

“He’s asleep.”

Kris looked at the clock, nearly ten. “Still?”

Leila nodded as Kris followed her into the kitchen and she poured him a coffee. “He’s had a rough go of things since he got back from New York. His people call it ‘damage control’; I’m more inclined to call it ‘Adam control’. They’ve got him on a tight leash, dragging him all over the place. I know Adam wouldn’t put up with it if he really didn’t want to but he’s just exhausted and definitely not acting like himself.”

“Has he had any more episodes?”

Leila poured herself a coffee as well and sat down. Kris joined her. “I think he has but it’s just my opinion.”

“I don’t understand.”

“He hasn’t said anything about having them and being alone, if he did, there were no witnesses…”

“Or anyone here to help him. Shit.” Kris ran a hand through his hair, wishing he’d been there. “Maybe he doesn’t remember. That’s happened before.”

“Entirely possible. I think he’s been crying at night.” Leila went on to explain the things she had noticed that were just off and she told Kris what happened the night before. Kris was stunned. Leila assured him she didn’t take it personally. It was a good sign he asked her back.

As they chatted, a third voice materialized. Leila and Kris stopped talking and listened. It was Adam and he was yelling at someone. Without a word, they knew what was happening and Kris ran to Adam’s bedroom. Leila stayed behind, letting Kris manage things. Even though her son’s cries were terrifying, she smiled a little, knowing things would get better with Kris back.

In the bedroom, Kris flicked on the light and saw the familiar sight of Adam thrashing around on the bed, getting twisted in his bed sheets. He ignored the mess and headed straight for his boyfriend. At first, Kris didn’t touch him. He decided to let him know he was there.

“Adam, sweetheart, it’s Kris. I’m back. Wake up lover, wake up and the nightmare will stop.”

It wasn’t doing any good; Kris wasn’t getting through to him. He touched Adam’s arms and Adam flinched away. “Adam, wake up! Do you hear me? You have to wake up! Now!”

Nothing.

As a last resort, Kris took Adam by the shoulders and shook him a little. “Adam, wake up! It won’t stop until you wake up!”

Adam bolted upright, eyes wide open, and his hands clamped onto Kris’ upper arm. He looked in Kris’ direction but looked through him rather than at him. “I’m not a puppet! I’m not a puppet!”

“I know you’re not Adam. Wake up!” Kris felt Adam’s grip tightening, bruising him. “Adam, you’re hurting me. Wake up!” Adam’s grip got tighter still and Kris felt himself being lifting off the bed. “Adam, what are you doing? Stop it!”

“I’M NOT A PUPPET! I’M NOT A PUPPET!”

“ADAM, NOOOOOOO!!”

 

\--*--

 

Leila was fixing some breakfast when she heard a huge crash coming from Adam’s room. She dropped the eggs she was holding and ran in. At first, she only saw Adam, sprawled on his bed whimpering, hugging his pillow and rolling about. Then her eyes were drawn to the still body on the floor in front of Adam’s dresser.

“Oh my God, no! NO!”

She fell down beside Kris and grabbed one of Adam’s discarded shirts from the floor, pressing it hard against the blood escaping the side of Kris’ head. She turned back to the bed.

“Adam! Wake up now damn it! Kris needs you!”

She could only hope her words, the mention of Kris’ name, would snap her son out of this. The whimpering stopped and convinced Adam was coming around, she turned her attention back to the young man unconscious at her side.

She tapped his face lightly. “Kris? Kris, can you hear me? Kristopher?” She leaned over his mouth, feeling a steady flow of air and she could see his stomach rising and falling. Stretching as far as she could from her position, she caught Adam’s phone and called 911.

Meanwhile, Adam had rolled to the other side of the bed, away from the drama happening on his floor, and he woke up. He sat up, groggy, and hearing a voice coming from behind him.

“Hold on sweetheart, help’s coming. You’ll be okay. Adam. Adam! Come hold this, I have to unlock the door.”

Adam stood and walked around the bed, still not with it. When he looked down and saw his Kris on the floor, bleeding, her couldn’t move. “How, what….”

“I don’t know,” Leila blurted out, not checking her words. “He came home early, wanted to surprise you, we heard you yelling, he came in, there was a crash….Adam, hold this compress, I have to open the door for the ambulance.” He was statue still, one hand on his stomach, the other over his mouth. “Adam. Come. Here. Now!”

He backed up slowly, shaking his head. “I killed him. I killed Kris.”

“No honey, he’s alive, you didn’t kill him. Adam come here. Help him!”

Adam kept retreating, both in mind and body. “I killed him….I killed him…I killed him…” He continued backing up until he hit a wall and fell to the floor. His eyes were blank and kept repeating the same phrase.

“Son, come here! Adam, he’s going to be okay. ADAM!”

He curled up in the fetal position, chewing on his thumb nail. “I killed him…I killed him…I killed him….”

All alone with the world caving in around her, Leila made the decision that there was nothing she could do for her son right now so she concentrated on the boy she could help. The sound of sirens was getting closer.

“Hold on Kris, they’re coming. I can hear them. You’ll be okay … Adam will be okay … we’ll all be okay.”

She scrolled through the numbers on Adam’s phone and quickly found the one person she thought could help Adam right now.

“May I speak to Dr. Evans please? This is Leila Lambert and I’m calling about my son Adam.” She gazed at her shattered child. “Hello, Dr. Evans? Adam needs your help… Can you come to his home?...That’s the address…. I’m, I’m afraid it’s very serious.”

When that call was done, she made one more before the paramedics rushed in.

“Monte, its Leila Lambert. I need you to come to Adam’s right away, please….Of course, please bring him too…Adam’s going to need all the support he can get.”

 

\--*--

 

When Dr. Evans pulled up to Adam’s home, he was surprised to see an ambulance in the driveway but not at all surprised to see police holding back thongs of curiosity seekers and the paparazzi. Mrs. Lambert didn’t give him many details, just enough to convince him to make a rare house call. It didn’t take much convincing; he admired this young man greatly and had gone out of his way more than once for him.

Approaching the police, he saw two men desperately trying to get past the officers and into the house. All he had to do was show his credentials but he recognized the young men. He couldn’t remember their names but they were members of Adam’s band and he vouched for them. All three hurried into the house. 

As they reached the porch, a gurney was coming through the cracked front door with Kris Allen on it. The side of his head was bandaged and he was unconscious.

“What happened?” he asked the paramedic after identifying himself.

“Don’t know any details Doc, that’s the cops’ job. All we know is there was some kind of scuffle and this poor guy is going to need a lot of stitches.”

They continued to the ambulance amongst the flashing cameras and the threesome hurried inside to the bedroom. Before they could say anything, Adam’s mother spoke.  
“Tommy, could you please go with Kris. I don’t want him alone; I need to be here.”

“Of course Mrs. Lambert, whatever I can do.”

“Here, take my car.” Leila tossed him her car keys and he left.

Dr. Evans didn’t need to ask where Adam was; he could hear the pained voice behind him.

“I killed him…I killed him…I killed him…”

Lying down so they were face to face, Dr. Evans tried to reach out to his young patient.  
“Adam, it’s Dr. Evans. Kris is fine. You didn’t kill him. Did you hear what I said, you didn’t kill him.”

“I killed him…I killed him…I killed him….”

“Doctor, why isn’t he coming out of this? He’s never had an episode this long!” Leila started to fall apart now that Kris was taken care and she could turn her full attention to her son. Monte put an arm around her shoulder and she leaned in towards him.

“Was he having an episode when this accident happened?”

“We, that is, Kris and I thought so. Kris had always been able to bring him back before.”

“How’s he been lately – mentally?”

“He’s been overworked and stressed out and a little depressed.”

“I killed him…I killed him…I killed him….”

“Mrs. Lambert, I’d like to admit Adam overnight so I can do a proper evaluation. Because he’s not mentally stable at the moment, you can give me the go ahead.”

The thought of her son in a mental ward terrified her but seeing him like this, on the floor curled up and lost, was worse. “Go ahead Dr. Evans. I’ll sign the papers.”

Dr. Evans called for a second ambulance.

“Is that necessary?”

“There’s no telling how long he’ll be like this. We can’t take him in ourselves.”

“Oh, the paps are going to love this,” Monte interjected before he could filter himself.

Leila left him and sat by her son, laying his head in her lap and stroking his hair. “We have no choice Monte.”

“I’ll call Simon Fuller and give him a head’s up.”

“Thank you.”

As they waited for the second ambulance, Leila rocked her boy, telling him repeatedly that Kris was alright but she couldn’t get through the fog he was trapped in. Dr. Evans made arrangements for Adam’s care, threatening whomever it was on the receiving end of the call not to let anyone know who they were admitting. The next group of paramedics came in and they lifted Adam onto the gurney and started strapping his feet and wrists down. Leila gasped, horrified.

“Mrs. Lambert, it’s just a precaution. We don’t know how long he will stay like this or how he will react when he comes out of it. It’s for his safety.”

It seemed that the act of restraining him was enough to bring Adam around. He began looking around, dazed and confused. He saw two strange men in white hovering over him and when he went to lift his arm to rub his eyes, he couldn’t. He lifted his head and saw the restraints.

“What the hell? Why am I….Oh God, oh my God, Kris, I….” He looked around frantically. “Kris? Kris? Where are you baby? Kris!” 

Dr. Evans approached him. “Adam, do you remember who I am?”

“Yeah, Dr. Evans. What … why…,” he yanked at the restraints, “Why are you doing this to me?”

“You had a severe episode and we’re just taking you in for observation.”

“I what? No, no, I’m just tired, I just…” His blue eyes widened and he remembered what happened. Tears poured down his face and he cried out, “Krissy! Krissy! What did I do? No, no, no, Krissy, where’s Krissy?”

“Relax Adam, he’s being taking care of. Let us take care of you now. Gentlemen?”

The gurney started moving and Adam, like a scared child, looked everywhere, seeing his mom standing there with Monte. “Mom, no, don’t let them take me! Mom, help me, help me!”

Leila couldn’t hold back her emotions anymore and broke down on Monte’s shoulder. The gurney maneuvered into the hall.

“Mom! No! Please!” Adam’s voice got higher. “Mommy! No, no, Mommy help me!”  
His body started thrashing, fighting to get free. 

Leila rushed to his side, taking his face in her hands and kissing his forehead. “You’re alright sweetheart, they’re only helping.”

Adam captured her eyes with his. His voice softened but the desperation and fear were still there. “Mommy, please don’t let them take me. I didn’t mean to … I didn’t mean … I love Krissy, would…ne-ver…hurt…-m.” His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he went still.

Leila looked up to see Dr. Evan’s removing a needle from his arm. “Just a mild sedative.”

She brushed his damp hair off of his face. “Can you untie him now?”

“No, I don’t think we should.”

“Then cover these up please,” she begged, touching the restraints. “I don’t want the world to see my son like this.”

 

\--*--

 

Kris felt the tugging in his hair but not the needle stitching him up, thanks to a local anesthetic. He had awoken in the ambulance and even though he asked during the entire ride to the hospital, they wouldn’t tell him anything about Adam. The only case they would discuss was his.

“There we go. You were lucky it was under the hair Mr. Allen. It’s going to be a nasty looking scar.”

He remembered being thrown across the room by Adam and hitting a hard piece of furniture. He’d been told how long he was knocked out and they were going to keep him overnight for observation. Kris sat on the edge of the examining table as they arranged his room. He heard the curtain slid open and relaxed when Leila came in. She hugged him hard.

“Oh Kris, thank God one of my boys is okay.”

One of my boys? “Leila, where’s Adam?”

She moved back and he saw her red eyes and worn face. Leila bit her bottom lip, and started crying again. “He’s been admitted.”

“Admitted?”

“In … in the mental ward. Dr. Evans had to sedate him and they’re doing an evaluation.”

“Hold on, hold on a sec. Back up.”

Adam’s mom filled him in. With every word, the tale got worse and worse.

“I have to see him!” Kris jumped off the table and nearly fell over as the room spun around. Leila caught him.

“Oh no you don’t. I hope they’re keeping you here.”

“They are but I don’t give a shit about me. I need to be with Adam.”

“They may not let you.”

“Leila, don’t you understand. He thinks he killed me. No matter how many times he’s told I’m alive, he won’t believe it unless he sees me. If you won’t help me, I’ll get there on my own.” He moved away and crumpled again.

She caught him again. “You are just as stubborn as my boys. Wait here and I’ll see if I can arrange it.”

Ten minutes later, an orderly and Leila came in with a wheelchair. “Dr. Evans said this is a good idea but after you assure him, he needs his rest and so do you.”

They went up five floors and then had to pass through security doors to enter the mental ward. Luckily, Adam was in the first room on their left. Tears sprang to Kris’ eyes as he saw Adam restrained but looking peaceful. The orderly rolled him up beside the bed and they were left alone – but the door was open. Kris slowly got out of the chair and sat on the bed. He took Adam’s hand and touched his face.

“Hey Sleeping Beauty, you’re Prince Charming is here. Do I need to plant one on you to make you wake up?”

“It couldn’t hurt.” Adam opened his eyes and gifted Kris a weary smile. “I didn’t kill you, did I?”

Kris kissed him. “Not even close. You did scare the shit out of me though.”

“Then we’re even. I had a mental breakdown over you.”

“Sshh, don’t talk like that. Just rest. Sleep is your best friend right now.”

“I thought you were.”

“Alright, it’s your second best friend.”

“I’m so sorry Kris. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I know sweetheart, I know. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Adam’s eyes couldn’t stay open. Kris kissed him softly and Adam drifted off.


	27. Taking Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Kris sat cross-legged on his hospital bed, staring at his cell phone. Leila had gone back to Adam’s when Dr. Evan’s started his evaluation and she picked up a change of clothes for both her boys. She also brought Kris’ phone. He kept it hidden and on vibrate because the hospital didn’t like cell phones in the rooms. Nearly every ten minutes, there was another message from his mom. He’d listen to them then hit delete. The news of what happened at Adam’s house – what the media thought happened – had made it to Arkansas, including a shot of him being taken unconscious out of the house with bandages on his head. He really should call her back but he didn’t know what to say. 

The sun was setting; Adam’s evaluation had been taking a long time. What if they decided he was a danger to others, or to himself, and wanted to commit him? Every wild scenario his throbbing head could come up with flashed before him. Kris certainly didn’t blame Adam for what happened but people were eager to jump to conclusions and suspect the worst. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t called his mom back. He had just spent five days telling his family how wonderful Adam was to him and the day after he comes home, it looks like he was a victim of domestic violence at Adam’s hands. 

She called again. It was only going to get harder the longer he prolonged it. Kris flipped the phone open and hit ‘talk’.

“Hi mama….I’m fine….really, I am….no, I’m not holding anything back ….really …. don’t I sound fine?....They’re keeping me in overnight….a concussion….no, no, I’m trying to…honestly, I’m okay…mama!...Adam?....no he’s not here, I mean not with me…I don’t know how he is….yeah, I talked to him, he’s tired ….no ….no…. what? ....How’d it happen?....an accident….it was an accident….mama….mama…mama!”

There was knock on his door and Leila popped her head in. She saw Kris on the phone and backed up. He waved her in quickly and mouthed the word ‘help’. She nodded and took the phone.

“Kim, its Leila....no, he’s not lying, he’s fine….just as a precaution…I’m sure…he’s doing alright…no…no…an accident, simply an accident…Kim…Kim…Kim!”

Kris leaned back on the bed and held a pillow over his face. Leila’s voice became muffled but he could still hear her trying to reassure his mom that she didn’t need to drop everything and fly to LA. A minute or two later, he felt a warm hand on his ankle and lifted the pillow.

“You can stop hiding. My mom took it outside.”

Kris peered up and smiled at Adam, dressed and looking much better. Tossing the pillow aside, he got up and hugged his boyfriend. Adam hugged him back.

“I came to say good bye.”

“Are visiting hours over?”

“No baby, I’m leaving.”

Kris pulled back a little. “Right, they released you. Will you be back in the morning?”

“No Kris, I won’t,” Adam replied, his voice small and unsteady.

Kris took Adam’s hand and led him to the bed. They sat down and Adam started rubbing the back of his neck. Kris gently took his arm and brought it down, holding it.

“Lover, talk to me.”

“I had a long session with Dr. Evans and this once-in-a-while counseling isn’t working. I’m getting exposed to more and more triggers and I can’t do it on my own anymore; I can’t conquer this with you either. I’m checking into a private clinic for a few days for intensive therapy. I’m sick of having my life held hostage Kris. I want to get on with living again.”

“Just how ‘intensive’ is ‘intensive’?”

“Whatever it takes. I’ll do anything and everything to get that damned day out of my head!” Adam lifted Kris’ hand up and kissed it tenderly. “I hurt the most important person in my life and I own what I did. Now I need to make sure it doesn’t happen again; I don’t’ want to loose you for good.”

Kris caressed Adam’s cheek. “You’re never going to loose me Adam.”

“Never say never. Just to let you know, you and my mom will be getting a call in a day or so to join me for some sessions, if you want.”

“Whenever, wherever, I’m in.”

“Good, good. And one more thing. I think my mom is going to ask you to stay at my house with her. She’ll tell you that she wants to keep an eye on you – she probably promised your mom that anyway – but I really think she needs someone to mother so she doesn’t feel….”

“…lonely.”

“Yeah. Can you do that for her, for me?”

“Sure.”

Dr. Evans interrupted. “Adam, it’s time to go.”

“Coming.”

Adam stood up and Kris held him once more. “I’m so proud of you Adam. I know you must be scared.”

“Terrified.”

“But you are stronger than you could ever imagine. You’re the strongest person I know; you’ll come out on top like you always do.”

“I didn’t come out on top of Idol,” he laughed.

“Of course you did – you came out with me.” They kissed, tasting enough of each other to last them a while. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Adam?”

“Coming doc. Bye baby.”

“Bye.”

Adam disappeared around the doorway, Dr. Evans’ hand on his shoulder. Leila appeared in the doorway as Adam disappeared. She waited until Adam turned the corner before entering Kris’ room.

She handed him his phone. “I think I talked your mama down.”

“What did you tell her about Adam?”

“The truth. That his life is out of his control and he’s doing everything he can to get it back. And that he loves you and he’s going to make all of this up to you.”

“Thanks.”

Leila pulled back the covers and patted the mattress. “I also told her I’d watch out for you, make sure you didn’t have a relapse.” Kris climbed into bed and let Leila tuck him in so well he couldn’t move. He forced his arms out. 

“Leila, I’ve been thinking. Would it be okay with you if I stayed at Adam’s house? It’ll make me feel closer to him and I don’t think I could take care of it by myself, with my work schedule.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday Kristopher Allen,” she chided with a smile, “I know how my son’s brain works. But yes, I’d love a roommate.” She brushed his hair off his forehead and kissed him. “Get your rest. I have a list as long as my arm of things that need to be fixed around that house. Adam knows his makeup but he knows jack about home reno.”

She headed for the door and turned out the light. Before leaving, she turned to Kris, her tears glowing in the fluorescent hall lights.

“Adam’s going to make it, isn’t he? I mean, he can beat this before it beats him?”

“He’s going to make it Leila, I know he is.”

Kris curled onto his side, gathering the blankets in his fist. Adam just has to make it.

\--*--

 

Adam had four days to basically turn his life around. ‘Intensive’ was an understatement; he spent more time with Dr. Evans than he did alone with himself. After each session, his head hurt but his mind was a little clearer. 

The morning of day three found Adam by himself, curled up in an easy chair in the common room, working on his list. Dr. Evans wanted him to brainstorm ideas of how he could confront and conquer his PTSD, no matter how farfetched.

“I can’t believe he’s doing homework!”

“And to think he left college after five weeks!”

“Okay guys, knock it off and get over here.”

Adam set down his notepad and hugged his mom, followed quickly by Kris. Three days felt like three years as they caught up.

“How’s the noggin?” Adam asked Kris.

“Hard as ever. How’s your noggin.”

“Screwed on a little tighter. Is my house still standing?”

“Not only is it still standing, it’s improved and shinier,” Leila replied, her eyes never coming off her boy’s face.

“Shiny’s good.”

The levity ran out quickly.

“So sweetheart, how are you really?”

“Its hard mom but I think its working. We’ve got a plan in place.”

“Is that what the writings about?” Kris asked.

“Yeah, I’m trying to think of my own ideas. Dr. Evans wants me as involved in my recovery as possible.”

“Can I take a look?” Leila cautiously asked.

Adam flipped the notepad over and looked sheepish. “I’d rather that you didn’t. It’s just…”

“No need to apologize sweetheart. Enough said.”

Relaxing a bit, Adam leaned back in his chair and smiled, rubbing his neck. “I’m guessing Dr. Evans called.”

“Yeah, he said something about discussing your treatment. Said you could use our help,” Kris replied.

Adam snorted. “That just goes to show how fucked this is. I need to learn how to handle this myself and yet at the same time, I need to bring in backup. No wonder I’m so screwed up; nothing about this makes any sense to me.”

A nurse walked in and headed directly for the trio.

“Ah, the prettiest dealer in the city. You got the good stuff?”

“Only the best for my favorite customer.”

She handed Adam a small plastic cup containing pills and a glass of water. Adam tossed them back, followed by a water chaser.

“Thanks Abby.”

“No problem; see you tonight.”

Adam wiped his wet lips with the back of his hand and found his mom and boyfriend staring at him, worry all over their faces.

“Yes folks, I’m taking drugs – anti anxiety drugs. So far they seem to be helping, especially at night.”

“I suppose Dr. Evans knows what he’s doing; I just don’t want to see you dependent on them.”

“Mom, I swear I’m not going to get addicted to them. Once I can handle things on my own, I won’t need them anymore.”

“Let’s hope.”

Dr. Evans joined them. “Wonderful, everybody’s here. Adam, did you make that list for me?”

Adam nodded and handed the notepad over. He watched the doctor’s reactions to his more ‘out there’ ideas. Dr. Evans was doing a great job of being professional but Adam caught him smirking a little. Finished reading, he handed the paper back.

“I’m impressed, not only at your creativity but your common sense. You’ve come up with a few ideas on your own that I was going to suggest. In fact, I’ve made arrangements for us to follow through with one this afternoon.”

Adam gazed nervously at the people around him, his hand moving towards his neck. One raised eyebrow from the doctor made him stop. “Which idea?”

“I believe it was number six on your list.”

The young man grabbed his list and looked it up. His face paled. “Oh, that one.”

“A car will be ready at two o’clock. Both of you are joining us I hope?” he asked, addressing his patient’s loved ones.

They nodded, not sure what they were agreeing to. Whatever was about to go down, Adam didn’t look happy.

“Wonderful. Please feel free to join Adam for lunch and I’ll see you all later.” He gave Adam’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “You can do this Adam.” With that, he left.

As soon as the doctor was gone, Kris rested his hand on Adam’s knee and asked, “Adam, what’s number six?”

Adam forced a smile on his face. “We’re, um, going to SkinGraft this afternoon. It’ll be good to see Cassidy and the gang – I mean the staff – again.” Kris didn’t miss his boyfriend’s reference to ‘gang’ and the quick switch. Adam got up and clutched the list to his chest. “Will you two excuse me? I’m feeling tired all of a sudden and I think I should nap; big afternoon ahead.” He kissed his mom and Kris quickly and hurried out.

Kris fell down into his chair. “I have a bad feeling about this Leila.”

“Why? He and Cass have been friends for a long time. In fact, Adam’s worn a lot of SkinGraft’s creations on stage. Remember, they made the jacket he wore on the Idol tour?”

“How could I forget? He was having a fitting for that jacket when….”

“…he was attacked. Oh my God Kris! Why would Dr. Evans subject him to this! I won’t allow it.”

“Even Adam considered it an option. You can’t stop it.”

“The hell I can’t! I’m not going to have my son go through this nightmare all over again!”

“Leila, he’s never left it. He’s been in this nightmare for nearly six months. I’m sure there’s a good reason why they’re revisiting this.”

“And I aim to find out.”

Leila stormed out, on the hunt for Dr. Evans, but Kris stayed put. He thought back to the research he had done online about PTSD. He recalled something about facing your fears and if you succeeded, those events or things lost power over you. Adam had never had a chance to face this head on. His attackers hadn’t been brought to trial in his case; maybe if they had, Adam would have been able to confront them and in the end, come out somewhat vindicated. Kris still didn’t like it, and was scared to death for his boyfriend, but this just might be the cure Adam was looking for.

Kris headed down the hall and asked where he could find Adam’s room. He had planned on going in but through the window in the door, he saw Adam and decided he needed some time alone. He was sitting in a chair facing the window. One hand, as seemed to be his new habit, was rubbing his neck and the other was hugging a pillow. Adam’s lips were moving and Kris cracked the door open enough to eavesdrop, wondering if Adam was chanting the calming phrases he’d learned. To Kris’ surprise, he was actually singing softly to himself. At first, Kris didn’t recognize the tune and then it came to him. 

The last time Kris had heard “We Are The Champions’, he had been singing to Adam, soothing him, distracting him, as Dr. Keeling was opening up and cleaning the wound on Adam’s neck. Adam was giving himself his own pep talk. His voice was low but there was resolve in it, fight in it.

“ ‘But it's been no bed of roses / No pleasure cruise - / I consider it a challenge before the whole human race - / And I ain't gonna lose’….”


	28. Getting His Life Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a therapist, just a conjuring from my imagination after watching too many shows on TV LOL

The car pulled out of the clinic’s parking lot and headed towards West Hollywood. Dr. Evans was driving, Leila was in the front passenger seat and Adam and Kris sat in the back, casually holding hands. The quartet carried on an easy, casual conversation, talking about nothing in general but the closer they got to their destination, the quieter Adam became. 

“Adam, did you tell your mom and Kris about the surgery?”

“What surgery?”

“Adam, what’s he talking about?”

Adam looked guilty, like he’d been keeping it top secret. He rubbed his neck and caught Kris’ eyes a few inches away. He self consciously moved his hand down and rubbed his knee.

“Obviously, I’ve developed this fetish of rubbing my scar when I get nervous. Most of the time, I don’t realize I’m doing it. It’s the only physical reminder I have of that day so I’ve decided, when things slow down, to have plastic surgery to remove it. It may not change anything but it’ll be gone.”

Everyone fell into silence soon after the revelation. Kris was more aware of Adam’s changing state than the others. He watched his boyfriend gaze out the window, biting his fingernails. Adam’s grip on Kris’ hand got tighter and tighter. By the time they pulled up at SkinGraft, Kris’ hand was ghostly white from lack of circulation.

People were on the sidewalk, going about their business, not caring that Adam Lambert was there. In other words, everything was normal. The front door to the store opened and Cassidy stepped out, waiting for his old friend. He looked as anxious as Adam. The last time Kris had spoken to Cass was just before the tour. Back then, Cass felt somewhat responsible for what happened, since it all started outside his place. Kris knew he and Adam had talked a lot since then and Adam didn’t hold any grudge against him, although Adam hadn’t been back to the store since that June day. Cass was fidgeting and Kris wondered if he still felt some lingering guilt.

Dr. Evans turned around. “Adam, are you ready?”

Adam didn’t look at anyone in particular. “No, but let’s get it over with.”

Leila got out first. She walked over to Cassidy and gave him a hug. She held his arm and talked to him as Dr. Evans got out and waited on the sidewalk. 

Adam turned to Kris. “You’re coming with me, aren’t you?”

“If you want.”

“I want.”

Adam took a deep breath and opened his door, climbing out slowly. Kris was right behind him. Adam shuffled towards the store.

“Hey Cass….long time no see.”

“Yeah, it’s been too long man.”

“How’s business?”

“Good, good, especially since you put the word out you shop here.”

Adam laughed and Cass joined in. The ice started to break. Cass looked at Leila and after a reassuring nod, he stepped forward. Adam took a few steps himself and then they fell into a hug, slapping each other’s backs.

“Let’s go inside and catch up,” Cass offered, keeping an arm around Adam’s shoulders.

Adam nodded and looked to Kris who smiled and followed them in, as did Leila and Dr. Evans.

On the way in, Cass explained they closed for a bit so they could visit. Adam was thankful not to have to deal with strangers right then. He looked through their latest creations and then Cass asked if he’d like to come back into the office for some tea. Adam said he’d like that. Kris told his boyfriend he’d wait in the store and browse. Cass said if he found something he liked, he’d give him a really good deal. Dr. Evans and Leila found a couple of seats and talked quietly. Kris looked at some jackets and relaxed. So far, so good. 

As he looked at the leather appliqué on a jacket’s sleeve, he heard a thud, thud, thud. Kris turned about and found three girls outside on the sidewalk knocking on the window, waving at him. Kris smiled, waved back, and went back to his browsing. Two minutes later, the number of fans on the sidewalk had doubled. Their voices were muffled as they called to him and waved, one of them talking his picture. Kris looked towards the office door, slightly ajar. Adam was sipping his drink and reclining in a chair, unaware of anything going on. Turning back to the window, the number of fans had doubled again, up to twelve. Kris started wondering if there was a back exit.

Before Kris could ask the other staff about that, Adam and Cass came out. The thudding and mumbling intensified as they recognized Adam. He froze on the spot but smiled and waved, being friendly and his old sweet self. Kris came up beside him.

Through his fake smile, Adam asked, “Can you join me in the office?”

Kris nodded and they went back, still smiling and waving as they left. The minute the door was closed, Adam started pacing like a caged panther, rubbing his neck furiously.

“Adam … hand.”

“Oh…sorry.” He stopped and then started again. “I can’t do this baby, I can’t. I can’t go out there!”

“You’ve handled this before.”

“Yeah….but this is different…just like last time…they swarmed….led me away.”

“You’re not alone.”

“I wasn’t alone then either.”

“True, but we know better now. We won’t let them lead you anywhere. Just sign the autographs, take a few pictures and leave. That’s all they want.”

“That’s never all they want.”

“Adam.”

His boyfriend kept pacing.

“Adam?”

Still pacing. 

Kris stepped in front of him. “Adam. You can do this. Why are you here?”

Adam cocked an eyebrow. “You mean, like, ‘why do I exist’?”

“No lover. Here, here.” Kris indicated the room. “Why are you here?” 

“Cause I want my life back.”

“And are you going to get it back hiding in Cassidy’s office.”

“Maaaybeee.”

Kris crossed his arms, shaking his head.

“No, I won’t get it back hiding in here.”

“So move it.”

Taking a deep breathe, Adam turned and headed towards the street.

“Son, where are you going?”

“Looking for my life.”

Leila gazed at the fans, going even crazier when they realized he was coming out.

“Adam! Wait!”

“Mrs. Lambert, let him go.” Kris blurred past them as he flew out the door behind Adam and took his spot beside him, hand on his back. Cass came behind them. “He knows what he’s doing.”

Adam and Kris greeted their fans and in about ten minutes it was over – no grabbing, no innuendo, no dirty tricks. They got what they wanted and left, just like Kris predicted. Kris curled an arm around Adam’s waist and leaned in. Cassidy took up a spot on Adam’s other side, hand on his shoulder.

“That wasn’t so bad,” Cass commented.

Yeah, it was, Adam thought to himself. Years of theatre made him a great actor and he acted like his stomach hadn’t turned upside down or that an ocean of sweat wasn’t swimming beneath his skin. 

What Dr. Evans wanted to do for Adam was help him create new memories to replace the old ones, replace the bad with the good, give him a crutch to fall back on when those feelings started to overwhelm him. Being reunited with Cass, he remembered how much he loved being at this store, hanging with his friends, wearing their sic creations. Maybe this was going to work, he had thought to himself before he left the office and found a mob waiting outside the store – again. His body stopped functioning at that moment and he thanked the Universe that it had or Adam was sure he would have shit himself.

He ‘played’ nice and somehow got himself back into the office. Every limb jumped to life the minute that door clicked shut and he wanted to crawl out of his skin. Even Kris’ calming presence did little to help. Adam remembered being so excited back in June when he discovered fans waiting for him. It was still all so new to him and he naively thought there was nothing better in the world than being appreciated. He had jumped in with both feet and got burned.

Kris talked reason – sometimes Adam hated him for being so level headed – and sucking it up, he delved in. He’d been vaguely aware of his mom calling out to him. The volume reached ear piercing levels as he and Kris hit the sidewalk. The warm hand on his back kept him grounded as they met the fans. Everyone was so polite and considerate, taking their turns, not pushing or yelling in his face. Before he realized it, it was over. Cass commented it hadn’t been so bad. Adam thought, yeah it had been and then he changed his mind – it was horrible at first then something happened, something turned it around. Adam looked back at SkinGraft and a new memory was there. The lingering nightmare was there around the edges but he now had a fond memory to hold on to.

Adam turned to Kris, then Cass. “No, it wasn’t so bad at that.”

His mom and doctor joined them. Dr. Evans congratulated him on successfully taking the first step. His mom hugged him, trying not to hover. Adam flashed a small smile; first step indeed. It was far from over.

“I’m proud of you sweetheart,” his mom said, taking his arm and directing him towards the car. “Let’s go back.”

Adam rooted his feet. “No mom, not yet.” He looked up the street one way, then the other, biting his lip, searching for something. “Cass, which way is it?”

At first, Cassidy didn’t know what Adam was talking about and then it came to him. “It’s that way honey.”

Adam nodded and walked down the sidewalk, eyes searching the storefronts. Why the hell are you doing this, he yelled in his head. You’ve made progress today, why jinx it! Because facing a crowd of fans is nothing compared to facing down the memories of the assault. It was the assault that was screwing everything up! It had happened so fast but the suffering had lasted months. If he needed new memories about anything, it was this.

“Dr. Evans, what is he doing?” Leila asked.

“I’m not sure but I believe he’s planning on facing down another memory.”

“Is this wise? I mean, he’s still mentally fragile.” She knew where her son was headed and prayed he’d change his mind. 

“He’s much stronger than you give him credit for.”

“No offense but if he were strong, he wouldn’t be dealing with this six months later.”

“Stronger men than him have fallen, Mrs. Lambert. This isn’t a 100% guaranteed cure; it’s a method of coping and he needs this. You all need this.”

This was confusing - Adam couldn’t find the empty store. He was sure it happened in an empty store. He had been confused, turned around, distracted. They could have led him anywhere. But then, Cass knew what he was asking about when he asked for directions so it must have been nearby. 

Adam stopped where he thought it should be. “I don’t understand. I know it’s here.”

Cassidy came up behind him. “I should have realized you wouldn’t have known. The vacancy was rented out a month after the…after. There’s been a temp office here ever since.”

They moved down one more address and there it was. They looked in the windows at the beige office. Two agents were at their desks. One looked up at them and then returned to his work. He looked up again and mouthed something to his co-worker. The other man looked up at them and mouthed something back. Kris realized they must look suspicious and he decided to ask them if they could come in.

Adam watched Kris enter the office and approach one of the employees. Kris started talking with a smile on his face, gesturing towards them outside and then the smile disappeared as the other guy obviously turned him down. Kris came to the door and asked Dr. Evans to come in. Again, Adam watched from the sidelines as his doctor showed his credentials and repeated the story, or so Adam assumed. When Dr. Evans finished talking, the temp staff talked amongst themselves and the one who seemed to be in charge nodded. Everyone shook hands and Kris gestured the rest of them in.

Cassidy and Leila moved forward but Adam stayed where he was.

“Sweetheart?”

“Yeah mom, just give me a sec.”

Rubbing his neck, Adam looked back in the direction they had come from. An image materialized in front of him of a group of fans surrounding him, shoving papers in his face, flashing cameras in his eyes. They moved as one, forcing him to go with them or be trampled. He was alone, his bodyguard no where in sight. When the image reached the store, it vanished.

He then looked the other way and saw the entrance to an alley. Another image formed, this one stumbling out of the doorway and frantically looking for help. There had been no one there, and he had seen the alley and made a run for it. His jeans had been riding low on his hips, the zipper open, and he tripped on the fabric pooling over his shoes. His jewelry was gone and his shirt was shredded. Glaring red lines had marked his exposed skin and blood had trickled down the back of his neck. The image fled around the corner and then the mob came out, splitting in two, screaming out for him, ordering each other not to let him get away.

“Adam, are you okay?” It was Dr. Evans, standing beside him, touching his arm. “We don’t have to do this. You’ve done very well today. You should really rest before tomorrow’s trip.”

“I was remembering stuff, like them taking me here. Then I remembered running away but it was like I was watching a movie, seeing it instead of being it. Can I really do it? I mean, replace the memories or rewrite them, so I stop feeling like such a loser?”

“You’re not a loser Adam. You found yourself a victim in a well thought out, deliberate attack. You never had a chance to deal with it head on, never had the chance to confront and challenge that helplessness you’ve been dealing with. You…got…away. They tried to take from you and you wouldn’t let them. You deserve to reclaim your dignity and self worth. You don’t deserve to let them destroy your life.”

Adam swiped a tear off his cheek. He thought back over the last half year. He’d had a lot of great moments and more than half of them had a countering disaster on its heels. This was supposed to be the best time of his life. He worked damn hard to get where he was, made a lot of sacrifices; his sanity shouldn’t be one of them. Adam didn’t like living in the past; he kept his eyes on his future and his future meant more music, more touring, more opportunities, and definitely more Kris.

His friends and family waited patiently inside for him, purposely not watching him – no pressure. Adam knew he needed to do this as much for them as he did for himself.

“Let’s go.”

Adam entered first, followed by his doctor. They all turned to him, assurances on their faces, but they remained silent, letting him handle this his way. Adam looked around the room. It was beige on beige on beige. Really boring and sparse and businesslike and it was a beautiful sight. No signs of the dark, dingy, litter strewn room he’d been cornered in. In essence, it no longer existed and if it no longer existed in the real world, it didn’t need to exist in his head. Adam memorized every new detail and got ready to transfer one memory with another….

…when the lights went out.

“Oh, sorry, must have leaned on the switch,” Kris apologized.

It was a dull day, the afternoon sun was fading and when the lights went out, while it wasn’t pitch black, it was a drastic, sudden change. Kris reached out to flick the switch again when an ear splitting scream was let loose.

“NO! NO! STAY AWAY!” The scream cracked into wrenching sobs. “HELP ME! HELP ME! OH…GOD…HELP… ME!”

In the dim light, they all watched in horror as Adam backed himself against a wall. Cassidy and Leila froze – this was the first time either of them had seen what these flashbacks did to Adam. The two employees also came flying out, drawn by the noise. Cassidy had enough awareness to send them away, assuring them everything would be okay.

It was a creepy image, a live butterfly with its wings pinned to a display board. In his face and body, muscles strained as Adam tried to move. He looked around frantically at his invisible attackers as their hands roamed over him, unable to defend himself.

“Stop, p-please, stop….” His banged his head against the wall in frustration. “Why? Why?”

Dr. Evans and Kris jumped right in. The two men stayed calm and did what they had to do. Kris moved away anything around Adam that he might hurt himself on and Dr. Evans started talking low, reaching into Adam’s nightmare to draw him out. 

“Adam, listen to me. It’s Dr. Evans. You are not in danger. Nobody is touching you.”

“Make them stop….m-make them s-stop!”

“You can make them stop Adam; you can make everything stop.”

“Can’t…can’t…”

“Yes you can. You are in control. Adam, where are you?”

“Don’t…know…dark.”

“You do know. You are in a temp office. It’s not dark, it’s light.” He gestured to Kris who turned the light back on. “Look Adam, look around you.”

Adam’s head stopped thrashing and his eyes opened wide, taking in the room about him.

“What do you see Adam?”

“It … it’s light.”

“It’s not a dark, dirty, empty room is it?”

“N-no … no.”

“That room doesn’t exist anymore Adam. Let it go.”

Kris could see Adam’s eyes registering that but there was still a vacancy, a pain there – he wasn’t out of it yet. Adam struggled, memories still pinning him to the wall, and he whimpered.

“What’s happening Adam?”

“Can’t move…holding me down…”

“That’s another memory. No one is touching you; no one is holding you down.”

“They are!” Adam sneered and sobbed softly. “Leave me alone, please…”

Dr. Evans waved Kris over. “Who’s touching you Adam?”

“Faceless…laughing…rough…”

“Kris, touch his arm when I tell you.”

“What?”

“Touch his arm….”

“Why? He’ll just push it away.”

“Trust me. Adam, someone is going to touch you.”

“No … no … please,” his sobs increased.

“But it’s not them; Kris will be touching you. You like it when Kris touches you, don’t you.”

A small smile brightened through the tears. “I love him, he makes me feel…he makes me feel safe.”

“I know. The room in your nightmare is gone, right?”

It took a moment or two. Adam looked about the office again. “Yeah, it’s different.”

“We’re going to make their touch go away now. When you think of this room, you feel Kris’ hand, not theirs. Kris loves you, he’d never hurt you.”

“I’d never hurt you Adam,” Kris whispered, on the verge of breaking down himself. It was killing him to see his strong Adam like this.

“I know…I know.”

“He’s going to touch your arm. Is that okay?”

Adam nodded and Kris reached out slowly, placing his hand on Adam’s arm. Gently, he rubbed up and down, soothing him like he’d done many times. At first Adam flinched and then he relaxed. As he relaxed, he muscles eased and he started moving. Adam slid down the wall to the floor and Kris caught him, pulling him into a hug. They held each other, no desperation displayed. Kris stroked Adam’s back, whispering love words to him. Soon the sobbing and fear went away. Dr. Evans asked Adam to keep his eyes closed.

“I want you to think about these places and how you feel now. How do you feel about SkinGraft?”

“I … I like their clothes,” he started.

“I’m sure Cassidy is glad to hear that. What else? When you think of going back there, how do you feel?”

“Nervous…but, but I’ve missed it…and, and I want to go back and visit…and shop…soon.”

Kris held Adam tighter as Dr. Evans talked to him. It seemed to be working; it wasn’t an immediate cure but healing had definitely started.

“That’s good to hear. Now, this place…what is this place to you now?”

“Dull.”

“Dull?”

“Too much beige is dull.” Everyone released a nervous laugh. Kris kissed his head.

“I see you sense of humor’s still in tact. But Adam, where are we now?”

“In an office.”

“What happened to the dark place?”

“It’s beige…it’s gone.”

“And when you think about being touched here, who is touching you?”

“My … my baby…Kris….” Adam sat up but kept his eyes closed. Kris grabbed a few tissues and pressed them into his hand. Adam wiped his eyes and blew his nose.

“So, how do you feel?”

“Safe.”

“Wonderful. Now, Adam, I want you to open your eyes and tell me who you see.”

His eyes were red and his lashes spiked as Adam looked around the room. “Cassidy…my mom…you…and, and Kris.” 

“Does it frighten you to be here?”

Adam bit his lip and swallowed.

“Don’t tell me what I want to here; tell me the truth.”

“I’m still…uncomfortable…but I don’t feel…terrified….just uncomfortable, strange.”

“That’s a good start Adam, that’s a good start.”

\--*--

 

They’d spent another half hour or so at the office, talking and letting Adam recover. They all understood now that while Adam might still have some episodes, they should be neutered by the good memories they created that day. Fan encounters and being touched took on a new meaning and didn’t look as dark as they had.

The quartet came back to the clinic after saying goodbye to a shaken Cassidy. He and Adam didn’t say ‘goodbye’ – they said ‘see ya later’, a casual promise not to loose touch again. On the car ride back, Adam fell asleep. One sharp turn to the left and he toppled over, his head landing on Kris’ shoulder. As soon as they arrived, Adam and Dr. Evans went into a private session. Leila found an empty room and was sleeping while Kris paced outside. He wished he could be there but Adam had to do most of this on his own. The nurse came by and brought Adam his medication. Through the closing door, Kris caught a glimpse of Adam pacing, holding papers in his hand. When she came out, he briefly saw Adam again, seated with his head in his hands.

Some time later, Kris was nudged awake. He stirred in his chair, stiff and groggy. He looked up at Dr. Evans.

“We’re finished for today Kris.”

“Can I talk to him?”

“Of course; he’s back in his room. Will I see you tomorrow?”

“If Adam needs me here, yeah.”

“You are a wonderful friend to him; he’s very lucky. Good night.”

“Good night Doctor.”

On his way, Kris passed the nurses’ station and they told him Leila had found him asleep and took a taxi. She said she’d see him when he came home. 

Adam had been sitting cross legged on the bed but jumped to his feet when Kris came in. They hugged and kissed and touched, keeping an ear, if not an eye, out for any of the staff.

“Day after tomorrow I can show you properly how much I love you,” Adam sighed, licking Kris’ bottom lip.

“Can’t wait.”

They hugged again and Kris noticed papers spread out on the bed.

“What’s all this?”

“Take a look.”

They were photographs. Photographs of bruises and cuts.

“Adam, these are, they’re from…!”

“The police; they’re the forensic photos from the police.”

“The ones they took when you gave your statement. What are you doing with these?”

“Preparing for my meeting tomorrow.”

“Meeting? What meeting?”

“My meeting with Trish.”


	29. Light at the End of the Tunnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 of American Idol has wrapped up the competition and the fun is starting ... well, it should be starting. The idols are excited for the tour but for one of them, the dream is turning into a nightmare.

Kris sat curled up on Adam’s couch, cradling a mug of warm milk, staring into the dark. It was nearly 3am and he hadn’t been able to sleep, not since Adam told him he was confronting Trish in the morning.

The moment Adam told him been looking at the forensic photos from the day he gave his statement, Kris’ stomach had felt like a lump of coal – an entire scuttle of coal. Adam had explained why he had to do this but all Kris heard was white noise, his own fears and anxieties blocking out any other sounds. He had been with Adam for nearly all of his flashbacks and episodes and panic attacks and yet the idea of Adam coming face to face with the woman who helped orchestrate the assault on his boyfriend terrified Kris more than anything. What if she said something to make it worse, what if her very presence was enough to send Adam into that dark place and what if, God forbid, he never came out of it again? He’d tried to tell Adam his thoughts but Adam was determined that this was truly what he needed – everything else they’d done and tried had been the treatment and Adam was positive this was the cure.

When he’d left Adam at the clinic, they had kissed and Adam promised he was okay. Apparently, Dr. Evans was coming back for another session. They were going to rehearse what would … what could … happen, and plan for any eventuality. It sounded good, and Kris was sure it looked good on paper, but more times than not the best laid intentions backfired. Kris hated being negative, especially when he’d always been the stronger one in this. He felt like his very doubts were betraying Adam and all the hard work his boyfriend had done to get his life back. 

His eyes filled with tears and through the blur managed to set the mug down before curling in on himself and letting it all flow out. Loving Adam gave him strength he’d never known he could possess and it made him more vulnerable than a newborn.

Leila sat in the kitchen, dealing with her own worries. She’d already been back at Adam’s place when Kris found out about tomorrow’s visit, and it pained her he had to be the one to tell her about this meeting. She both hated and admired Dr. Evans’ effect on her son. On the one hand, it appeared that the intensive therapy was working, that Adam was overcoming the trauma. On the other hand, she hated how the doctor brought these changes about. She constantly felt it was too much and seeing her grown, strong, confident boy reduced to rubble was more than she could bear. She was actually relieved when Kris told her Adam wanted her to stay away tomorrow, that he didn’t want her to see him do what he had to do. Leila had seen him vulnerable and while he wasn’t okay with that, he knew it hadn’t been the first time. What he didn’t want her to see was the explosion of rage Adam was sure this meeting would trigger. He didn’t want his mom to see that side of him, a side he’d never shown before, the lava seething beneath the surface.

Hearing the sobs coming from the living room, her mom instincts kicked in. She hovered in the doorway, not knowing if Kris wanted to be alone or if he needed her. At first, she sat on the opposite end of the couch, making her presence known but not forcing herself on him. Silently, Kris rolled over and laid his head on her lap, his sobbing quieted but still there. Following his lead, Leila said nothing. She reached up and pulled down the blanket draped over the back and covered him up. A kind hand on his shoulder was offered and he reached up, taking her hand and squeezing it. They weren’t blood relations but they’d developed a bond that matched it.

 

\--*--

 

Kris expected to find Adam sitting in his room, trying to center himself and remain calm. He didn’t expect to find his room turned into a make up and wardrobe studio!

It was hard to count, so many bodies milling around chairs and racks of clothes and tables full of make up and hair products. Adam, naturally, couldn’t be missed. He sat quietly in the middle of the maelstrom, having his hair spiked and his nails manicured. Pieces of clothing were being held up for his approval. He didn’t seem happy with anything they showed him. Finally, he gave his approval just as his hair was finished and then his stylist started on his make up. It was funny but so Adam, and it didn’t take long for Kris to realize what he was doing. The spiked hair, the heavy eye make up, the black clothing and long black trench coat and black army boots. Adam was psyching himself up visually, showing fierceness and dominance. He would present an intimidating image not only to Trish but to himself. If he looked in control, he would feel in control.

All this time, Kris had sat in the corner, watching the show. Adam hadn’t even noticed he was there but that was okay. With his hair and make up done, he got dressed and his six foot one frame seemed to stretch to seven feet. He thanked everyone and asked them to give him a minute or two. When the last one left, he turned to Kris.

“I didn’t think you knew I was here,” Kris commented softly, getting up and falling into Adam’s outstretched arms.

“I always know when you’re here.” He kissed the top of Kris’ head then stepped back, turning around. “So what do you think?”

“I think you’re going to scare the shit out of her.”

“That’s the plan. Did you bring the box?”

“Yup.” 

Last night, Adam had asked Kris to go into his closet and find the small black box shoved in the back of the top shelf. Kris had to use a flashlight to find it but he did. He took a step closer as Adam opened it and dumped bits of jewelry onto the bed. Kris recognized the items immediately; it was the jewelry Adam had had stolen during the attack, the items that had been returned to him after the case had been closed. Adam put on the rings and bracelets then paused when he held up the necklace. He inadvertently started rubbing his neck and this time, Kris didn’t stop him.

“You don’t have to wear it Adam.”

“Yeah, I do. I need to show her I’ve reclaimed everything she took from me, even if it’s not entirely true.” He’d had the chain repaired months ago just in case he decided to wear it again. He adjusted it and readjusted it several times, wincing as the cold metal rested on his bare skin.

The door opened and Dr. Evans charged in, face buried in Adam’s file. “Alright, everything is set up and ….” He looked up and was taken aback by the sight of this brave young man before him. Dr. Evans had seen him only at his worst and seeing him looking strong and commanding made him proud. “You certainly appear ready to play the part.”

“Most important acting job of my life.”

“It won’t be an act son. I have every confidence that after today, you will be running your life instead of your life running you.”

Adam surprised the doctor by gathering him in a hug. At first stunned, Dr. Evans froze then relaxed and returned the hug. “Thank you Dr. Evans for saving me.”

“Your welcome, but a lot of credit goes to your young man.”

Adam released the older man, keeping an arm around his shoulders. “Don’t I know it.”

The three of them sat down for their last session. It was explained to Kris that Trish was being brought to the police station. They had thought about going to the detention center but there were security concerns by the police and guards so arrangements were make to meet at the station. She would be secured in an interrogation room and Adam and one officer would be in the room with her. A senior officer, her lawyer, Dr. Evans and Kris would be in an adjoining room observing and listening through a one way mirror and they would be in communication with the officer inside so if the doctor, senior officer or her lawyer felt the meeting needed to end, they could notify the other room. Adam was absolutely not allowed to touch her in any way. The police were giving him lots of leeway considering what he had been through but she had rights as well and they didn’t want anything to happen that would result in lawsuits and bring more attention to the situation.

They got up and started to leave. Dr. Evans left first then Kris put his hand on Adam’s arm. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

Adam cupped his cheek and kissed him. “Baby, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s dim right now but its there. I need this.”

“I know you do and I’m here.”

“Don’t keep the police waiting boys; not a good start.”

 

\--*--

 

Detective Travers, the officer who handled Adam’s case, met them at a back entrance. They were doing their best to keep this visit as low key as possible so the press wouldn’t catch on. The hallway was empty and the interrogation rooms were only feet away. Before they entered the observation room, Detective Travers stopped them.

“She’s already here. Her lawyer isn’t happy but we did as you requested; she has no idea why she’s been brought in. Remember Mr. Lambert, no physical contact or it ends and you won’t get another chance.”

“I’d like to get my hands on her,” Kris muttered to himself. He looked up and saw the officer watching him. A smile flashed across the other man’s face and then he returned to his stoic look.

“Are we ready?” the detective asked.

Everyone looked to Adam and he nodded.

Trish’s lawyer greeted them and reviewed his conditions for this meeting. Through the one way window, they saw her waiting. Handcuffed to the table was a young woman, early twenties with blond curly hair and wearing an orange jump suit. She looked around the sparse room, stopping occasionally to gaze at the window. Trish probably knew she was being watched but had no clue who it was.

When Adam set eyes on his attacker the first time, he didn’t know what to think. She looked scared and that made him extremely happy but he also felt a fist closing around his heart and little flashes of memory came to him. It wasn’t nearly as severe as he had experienced before but it still made his skin crawl.

Kris watched his boyfriend’s face. He was holding it together, barely, as the muscles in his jaw clenched. The door opened and closed and then her lawyer appeared in the other room, sitting beside her. He talked to her quietly; the intercom hadn’t been turned on yet but the tension was obvious.

“Any time Mr. Lambert.”

Adam looked to his support system and forensic photos in hand, he went in.

Kris watched the action play out in front of him. Trish and her lawyer sat at the table and then the door must have opened because they both looked in its direction. At first, her face lit up when she saw Adam standing there and then within moments, the smile melted off her mouth and her eyes went black. Adam walked in and took a seat across from her, tossing the file on the table in front of her. 

“Open it,” Adam ordered, his voice steady and calm.

She looked at her lawyer, who nodded, and she opened the file. Kris watched her face as she looked at the photos of the cuts and bruises they inflicted on Adam’s body and she looked a little sick when she saw the picture of his neck wound, still swollen and red and raw from the surgery he’d had hours before the photos were taken.

“I still have the scar on my neck,” Adam commented, pointing at the image. “It reminds me everyday of what you and your friends put me through.”

She closed the file and folded her hands before her, keeping her eyes adverted. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“You’re sorry. Is that all you can say to me? Do you think that makes it all BETTER?!” Adam’s fist pounded on the table and she jumped in her seat. “Do you think two little words are going to make up for the months of torture you all put me through?!!!”

Trish muttered something, too low for Kris and the others to hear. But Adam heard her and he laughed in disbelief.

“You have no clue, do you? Well let me tell you sweetheart what my life has been like since then.” His voice was cold as he spoke through clenched teeth. “I have been living a nightmare. My family and friends have been sitting on the sidelines watching me fall apart. When you all cornered me in that abandoned store, I have never been so fucking scared in my entire life.”

She said something under her breath. Adam ordered her to speak up. 

“I … we … thought you would like it, having us go crazy for you.”

“You thought I wanted to be physically and sexually assaulted?”

“We didn’t….”

“You guys pressed me against a wall, penned me in, stole my jewelry, sliced my neck open, ripped my clothes, fondled my ass and crotch and tried to get into my pants and YOU THINK I WANTED THAT?!!!!” Adam got to his feet and moved around, never taking his eyes from her. “I begged you all to stop; I said repeatedly I didn’t want you to do this. And when I managed to get away, you all hunted me down like a pack of wolves. It was only by the grace of God that I wasn’t found. I don’t even want to think about what would have happened then.

“Do you know what PTSD is?”

She shook her head.

“Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know it very well. I have not had a decent night’s sleep since June, the slightest things that never bothered me before would trigger a panic attack.” Adam braced his hands on the table and leaned in towards her. “My heart pounds, my body shakes, I feel dizzy and lightheaded, sick to my stomach. I relive the attack and act out my reactions. I hurt the person I love most in the world, put him in the hospital when he tried to help me cause I thought he was you. 

“I worked so damn hard to get my music career going and in minutes, you all turned something beautiful and desired into something ugly and feared!” He started pacing again. “There was one time a group of children – CHILDREN! – rushed at me. All they wanted was an autograph and do you know what I did Trish? I ran away. I ran away from CHILDREN! I don’t remember what I did after that cause I blacked out. The next thing I remembered was Kris asking me to step away from the ledge. I was on the roof, on the edge. He thought I was going to jump. I yelled at him, my best friend, telling him I wasn’t that fucked up and I ran away again. But you want to know something Trish? If he hadn’t found me, I probably would have jumped. I never told him,” Adam looked briefly in Kris’ direction and his voice caught, “that he saved my life that day. I just wanted the pain to go away.”

Kris turned from the verbal massacre. The revelation that Adam had wanted to take his own life at one point floored him. He moved over to Dr. Evans. “Did you know he had thought about suicide?” 

Mouth tight, Dr. Evans nodded. 

“When?”

“The night you two were brought into the hospital. He told me during his evaluation.”

“So that’s why he’s done all this. Did he say anything about having those thoughts again?”

“I really shouldn’t be telling you this – confidentiality – but no, he only thought about it once. He said after he let you in on his shameful secret, and into his heart, he became determined not to give up on life again, no matter how difficult it got.”

They turned back to the confrontation. Adam was sitting again, across from Trish. She had her head in her hands, shoulders shaking, and he was leaning back in his chair, arms folded across his chest, watching her with disgust on his face.

“Stop it,” he said calmly and when she didn’t, he smacked the table and screamed, “STOP IT!”

Her head snapped up and she straightened her back, wiping her eyes and nose on her sleeve. She stared ahead but her bottom lip still quivered. “I’m sor-….”

“Don’t….even. Are those the only two words you know? I know for a fact you have a larger vocabulary. You know how to say, ‘I know you want it’ … ‘I know you like it’ … ‘You are a big boy aren’t you’ … ‘Don’t let him get away’. You can say many things Trish. Don’t you dare say those two measly words again. I’m not accepting any apology you offer because I don’t think you mean it. After all, you may have escaped being punished for attacking me but you did get caught in the end, didn’t you, you and your gang. If you were really sorry, you wouldn’t have tried it again.”  
“If you won’t accept my apology, then I have nothing else to say.”

“I didn’t come here looking for an apology. I wanted to finally put a face to my tormentor and I’ve done that. You were a monster in my head Trish but in reality, you are nothing but a pathetic worm,” he pushed his chair back, getting up, “and I can’t believe I let something as insignificant as you get into my head and screw with me.”

Adam started to leave, then spun around. “You know, I’m glad we had this little chat. I see now there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore. You and your friends aren’t worth the energy it takes to fight back. I hope you rot in jail a good long time. I, on the other hand, have a life and love and career to enjoy. You can keep the pictures since you seem to like me so much. Sorry it’s not my good side.”

The door slammed shut and that was that.

 

\--*--

 

Adam entered the observation room, leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. His hands rested on his knees and he held his head high, eyes closed. Kris sat down beside him as the rest of the men left. Dr. Evans said he’d be outside if they needed him.

Kris waited for Adam to make the first move, giving him space. Adam’s leg tilted sideways, bumping his boyfriend’s knee. “I am such a bitch,” he half laughed.

“No, you were wonderful.” Kris picked at his thumbnail. “Adam….why didn’t you tell me you had considered, I mean, wanted to take, that is, thought about ending it all?”

“I dunno. I don’t know what I did half that time anyway. I guess I didn’t want to scare you away, didn’t want you to think I was weak.”

“I’d never think that.” Kris reached out and took Adam’s hand. “Do you want to go home?”

Adam rolled his head to the side and opened his eyes. “Yeah.”

 

\--*--

 

Leila met them at the door, smothering her baby boy with hugs and kisses. Kris squeezed past them and took Adam’s suitcase to his bedroom, giving mother and son some time alone.

“Mom, mom, please, I’m fine.” He gently got away and plunked onto the couch. 

Leila sat across the room, aware she was making him uncomfortable. “I was going to ask how it went but you’re here, not….”

“…locked up in an insane asylum?” He saw the shock on her face. “It’s okay mom, I thought I might end up there too.”

“So, you’re home. Does that mean no more sessions?”

“I’m an outpatient again but I can get back to living a normal life.”

“My boy, nothing you have ever done could be considered ‘normal’.”

They looked at each other and burst out laughing. Kris joined them, happy to see things easing up. He sat beside Adam who promptly drew him near and kissed his temple. Leila watched them, getting the hint they wanted to be alone.

“I’ll come back for my things in the morning.” Adam and Kris rose to their feet as she did. “Ever the gentlemen.” Leila kissed and hugged them both and left.

Adam went to the door and locked it. He headed for his bedroom, hand reaching out to Kris. They slowly walked in silence to his bed. The last time Adam had been in his room was the day he’d hurt Kris.

Kris read the look on his face. “The past is in the past Adam; let’s live in the now.”

Touching his cheek, Kris drew Adam’s lips to his. The kiss was slow, gentle. They suckled and licked and tugged, playing their game of give and take. Adam shrugged off his long jacket and sat down. He lifted Kris’ shirt, kissing his tone stomach and caressing his back. Kris removed his shirt and buried his fingers in Adam’s hair, sighing as his skin cooled after each touch. Adam turned his attention to his lover’s jeans, removing the fabric and releasing him to ardent strokes and licks.

“Mmmm….Adam, I want you…inside.”

Kris tugged on the fabric covering Adam’s shoulder, taking it off. His hands rubbed Adam’s neck, feeling his muscles tense and relax as he deep throated.

“A-Adam…ah, ah…p-please…fuck…me.”

Adam increased his speed until Kris came in his mouth and he swallowed it down. Releasing him, Adam stood and made short work of his remaining clothes. Kris stretched out on the bed, leg’s open and waiting. Adam dug in the side table and loaded his fingers with cream, gently pushing in and stretching him. Kris wiggled his hips, mewling. Once Adam was satisfied Kris was ready, he slipped on the condom and entered him in one stroke. Legs over Adam’s shoulders, Kris’ toes curled and stretched with each plunge. Their mouth met once more, tongues keeping up the pace. Adam could feel himself coming and he sped up, pushing Kris’ up towards the headboard. Cum sprayed over their stomachs as Kris climaxed first, followed closely by Adam.

Pulling out, Adam rolled onto his back and Kris turned onto his side, head resting on Adam’s pounding heart. They’d been through so much and survived; now was the time just to be.

 

EPILOGUE

Adam left the studio and headed back to his dressing room. Prepared for the onslaught of opinions, his visit to The View had gone well. A camera awaited him for his exit interview.

“So, how was it?”

“I think it went really well; it was fun. Great audience.”

“Great audience? What did ya think of the questions? What did you think of the interview?”

“Oh, the interview was cool. It was, um, you know, I think they asked the questions that people are wanting to know the answers to. So, it’s The View,” he laughed.

“Is there anything you didn’t get to say that you wanted to?”

“Nah, I think I said it all…a million times.”

The interview cut away and then they said one more thing as he left.

“Adam, you behaved yourself.”

He turned serious. “I have an apology to make….that was family friendly.” He broke out in a grin and walked away, laughing over his shoulder.

The segment producer laughed too. “Bye Adam.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading this story. I have many more to share :)


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